parenting

On Keeping Faith During Times of National Crisis

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 3rd, 2016

Q: It seems like every time we turn around, there's another report of a mass shooting. Do you have any thoughts on why this is happening and, more importantly, what to do about it?

Jim: Tragedies of this sort are usually the result of multiple concurring factors, of course. From moral depravity and racial or religious prejudice, to mental illness and family dysfunction, shooters -- sadly -- come in all shapes and sizes. Law enforcement officials and psychologists spend years and millions of dollars analyzing and attempting to identify the warning signs. That they fail to identify killers before they kill is not, ultimately, a sign of professional failure, but rather a symptom of a sin-filled world that fails to recognize the sacred value of human life.

For years now, we've been told that it's secularism, a freedom from that "old-time religion," that will truly liberate us. I believe the reality is quite the opposite. True freedom is not found in the absence of all restraints, but instead by living within the parameters of the natural law. For me, as a follower of Jesus Christ, this means embracing and adhering to the precepts of the Bible.

Certainly, the United States is a pluralistic nation. Our first freedom is the freedom of conscience and religion, a right protected and enshrined by the Constitution. Our Founding Fathers wanted no state religion and no spiritual litmus test, but they also didn't want government to be hostile toward people of faith.

I'm the president of one of the world's largest family-help organizations. We hear every single day from parents desperately seeking advice on how to raise their children and how to keep them safe in an increasingly unsafe and unpredictable world. Our response to the present-day darkness is to encourage young and old alike to transform the culture by shining the light of their faith in the world. In my view, the only answer is the one that points to Someone beyond this world.

Q: We've made a family resolution for this year to be more intentional about doing things together that will strengthen our relational bonds. But I'm realizing that's easier said than done; it's tough to find time for it with so much going on. Do you have any suggestions or advice?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Strong families are built on a foundation of love, which doesn't simply happen. Love takes work -- especially when the details of the day-to-day grind seem to crowd out everything else and leave you drained of energy and low on time.

When schedules are jammed with activities, it's easy to lose sight of life's little pleasures. But if you make the effort to notice those pleasures, dwell on them and bring them into focus, you'll find that you've already taken a huge step in the direction of cementing meaningful, lifelong relationships with your loved ones.

It's easy to forget that one of the most valuable investments a parent can make is the gift of time. Schedule one-on-one times with each of your children and consider these "dates" as important as any other commitment on your calendar. Take the kids along when you're running errands, making a point to talk about what they find interesting. If possible and appropriate, bring them to work with you occasionally to show them how you spend your days. And if resources allow, block out time to plan significant family vacations -- or "staycations" -- involving the whole household.

Finally, don't underestimate the power of the written word -- especially hard copies versus electronic communication. Even short hand-written notes and letters, particularly those marking special milestones, can (and often do) become treasured keepsakes.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Some Tips on Making New Year's Resolutions Stick in 2016

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | December 27th, 2015

Q: With a new year upon us, I've once again made a long list of resolutions I intend to keep. As sincere as I am about achieving my goals and making some changes, I'm afraid they're doomed to fail as they did in 2015 -- and every year before. Do you have any advice?

Jim: I suspect many of us can empathize with your frustration. I could offer some tips, like focusing on just a few goals, making yourself accountable to someone, etc. But what I've discovered through my own failures is that often the problem is rooted in willpower that's insufficient for the particular thing I want to accomplish.

This concept may be easier to understand by realizing that the word "willpower" in Greek is often translated as "desire." It's the idea that we can achieve a goal when our desire matches our objective. But, too often, our desires are in direct conflict with our goals. And that's exactly the problem, isn't it?

Take weight loss, for example. I may wish to lose 20 pounds, but if what I truly desire is to eat ice cream every night, I soon find my willpower breaking down. The reality is our wishes are never strong enough to overcome our true desires for very long.

In these situations, I'd suggest the solution is to focus on the underlying needs that control our desires. For example, maybe we routinely overeat to anesthetize emotional pain. If we find healing for that inner struggle, the need to pacify our pain should dissipate.

If this is your situation, you may have to put in some work to get your true desires to align with your goals. Once that happens, your willpower can work for you, rather than against you.

Q: My son is big into video games. I have no qualms with him firing up the PlayStation and enjoying some screen time. But, in my opinion, he can be at it for way too long. Surprisingly, I've polled other parents only to find that their kids spend just as much time, if not more, gaming. What kind of limits would you recommend?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: A few years ago, in an effort to get a better handle on some of the hottest video games, I made arrangements to hang out with a neighborhood kid who had a reputation as a major league gamer. As part of my research, I was curious to find out how much time he spent playing games and how attached he was to his gaming console.

I was amazed to learn that not only had he spent seven hours gaming the day before, but he'd been at it for another four prior to our meeting that day. Clearly fatigue wasn't a factor for him as he proceeded to put on a mind-bending demonstration of his skills and of the latest games. After two hours I left exhausted, but he showed no signs of letting up.

I was aware of the consuming nature of video games, but seeing it firsthand made an indelible impression. The experience left me with a deep conviction that no one should play video games as if it's their full-time job!

So what's the ideal amount of time for gaming? There's no universally accepted standard, but I'll share the parameters we set in our home. The rule was 30 minutes a day (reinforced with a timer) and an hour on weekends. Something in this timeframe should allow your child a chance to unwind a bit without the worry of fostering an addiction.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

parenting

Mother's Passing Hangs Over Stressful Christmas Season

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | December 20th, 2015

Q: My mother recently passed away, and the reality that we're celebrating the Christmas season without her has been more difficult than I could've imagined. How can I get through this?

Jim: My heart goes out to you. As you're experiencing, Christmastime and other holidays can amplify the pain that comes with losing a loved one. Our family is grieving with you, having just lost a mother and grandmother of our own four months ago. For those of us struggling with heartache, here are some thoughts for getting through this holiday season a bit easier.

First, allow yourself to be comfortable with the idea that emotions will run high this Christmas. It's healthy and perfectly acceptable for a family to cry together, even on Christmas. Instead of stuffing your grief or pretending everything is fine, it's usually helpful to acknowledge your pain.

But it's also important to be OK with celebrating the holiday. Some people may struggle with guilt if happiness or laughter pops up in the midst of their grief. Give yourselves permission to experience whatever emotions arise.

Another idea is to scale back this Christmas. When you're grieving, holiday gatherings can be emotionally draining. Observing a few traditions can help the family maintain some stability, but help one another be realistic about what everyone needs and feels up for.

Finally, Christmas can create opportunities to bless others in need. Consider reaching out to another family or giving to a charity in your loved one's name. Blessing others can often bring joy even in the midst of grief.

When your heart is aching, life can feel pretty dark. For anyone who finds himself or herself in a hard, painful place this Christmas, I invite you to call one of our counselors at 855-771-4357. They'd be privileged to offer you a compassionate, listening ear or an encouraging word.

Q: Should my husband and I spend Christmas morning together with the kids at his parents' house, even though we've been separated for four months? Although I'd love to see my girls open their presents, I'm afraid this will send them mixed messages about the marital problems they know we're experiencing. What do you think is the right choice for my children?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: A great deal depends on specific circumstances and the goals and intentions with respect to the future of your marriage.

For instance: Are you actively working on your relationship during this separation? Have you been seeing a counselor and taking steps to resolve your differences? Are you trying to put the marriage back together? If so, it would probably be a good idea to maintain your family's holiday traditions and keep the celebration of Christmas as normal as possible. Far from sending mixed messages to your children, this will demonstrate unity and solidarity, showing them that you're working together to weather the storm and giving them hope that the family is going to remain intact.

If, on the other hand, you see little hope for reconciliation at this point, then we'd advise you to think twice about accepting your husband's invitation. Under these circumstances, there's a very real danger that the celebration your spouse is planning could come across as a bit of insincere play-acting -- a phony attempt to assume an appearance of normality. This could prove extremely confusing for the kids.

Whatever the situation, I'd strongly encourage you to give our licensed counselors a call (855-771-4357). They'd be privileged to hear more of your story and offer some helpful direction.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

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