Q: Traditions and good Christmas memories aren't part of my experience. Growing up, Christmas centered around giving and getting gifts. Once the presents were opened and the wrapping picked up, Christmas was pretty much done. My husband and I want to change that with our own young family, but neither of us has a Christmas "heritage" to pass on. Do you have any thoughts that might help us?

Jim: I can empathize with your situation. I started my own family empty-handed in this regard, too. But I can attest that your predicament is far from hopeless. Perhaps this story will inspire you.

Johnny Carson once joked that there was only one fruitcake in the world -- it's just been passed from person to person since time began. For a couple of friends here in Colorado, that's not far from the truth. You see, they've been exchanging the same fruitcake with one another for nearly 30 years. Each Christmas, the friend who received it the year before returns the vintage cake to his buddy, along with a goofy "gift." It started as a joke, but for almost three decades it's been a quirky holiday tradition that's deepened their friendship. These friends discovered the spirit of Christmas isn't about gifts, but about the memories you create.

If you want to do the same with your family, I'd recommend trying something out of the ordinary. Volunteer at a shelter or visit a nursing home. Attend a Christmas Eve church service. Or maybe try ice skating for the first time. You might fall down in front of your kids, but that's the point. It's a memory they'll cherish for years to come!

It doesn't matter what you do. In fact, the more unusual, the better. Because when your goal is to create memories, even an old fruitcake will do.

Q: This will be a painful Christmas for us. For reasons we don't understand, our daughter and son-in-law no longer want any contact with us. We've respected their wishes and hope to make amends with them someday, but for now, how should we interact with our grandkids?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: You're in a hard place, and our hearts go out to you. Without knowing all the details, we can at least affirm that your decision to respect your children's wishes is appropriate and provides the best chance for reconciliation. Our licensed counselors would consider it a privilege to hear more of your story and offer some helpful direction. Please call them at 855-771-4357.

In the meantime, do what you can to maintain your perspective. Set boundaries of your own so that you won't be hurt by your daughter's and son-in-law's attitudes and actions. Don't allow your personal worth to be defined in terms of your acceptance or rejection by your children. Guard your heart and avoid falling into a trap of bitterness. Seek counsel and the support of trusted friends in dealing with your pain. And, by God's grace, there's always a chance that the relationship will change someday.

As for your grandchildren, look for opportunities to express your love in small, unobtrusive ways. You can maintain your influence in their lives by sending them cards two or three times a year -- on birthdays, at Christmas and on other special occasions.

Don't send money or gifts, because that may be perceived as an attempt to manipulate. Instead, just say something like, "We're thinking of you and praying for you. Love, Grandma and Grandpa." If nothing else, this will lay the groundwork for reconnecting with them once they're grown and are able to make up their own minds about having a relationship with you.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle with my kids when it comes to entitlement, and Christmas only makes things worse. A season I once cherished has become something I look forward to as much as a root canal. Any advice?

Jim: I think there are many parents who share your frustration. In fact, your situation reminds me of a family featured on "Good Morning America" last year.

When John and Lisa Henderson grew concerned over the entitled attitudes their three boys were exhibiting, they came up with a radical remedy. They decided to "cancel" Christmas. No Santa. No stockings. No presents.

"We have not canceled putting up decorations, celebrating the birth of our Savior or any of our other heartwarming traditions," Lisa wrote in a blog post.

After months of working with their boys to help them curb a growing sense of entitlement, Lisa said she and her husband decided to take the money they would've spent on gifts and instead "put it toward service projects and giving gifts to others."

The parents' goal for their kids, Lisa explained, was to "teach them the pleasure of giving, rather than continuing to feed their desire for more."

The boys cried when they learned the news, but as Lisa shared, they soon bought in by "making gifts for each other ... They are learning exactly what we wanted them to learn ... They are thinking of others."

The irony of ironies is that the Hendersons didn't really cancel Christmas at all. Rather, by re-emphasizing the importance of expressing love to one another and exhibiting a spirit of generosity, they recaptured its true meaning.

While you and your family may not require such "drastic" measures, I'd encourage you to cultivate a similar spirit of selflessness this Christmas. If you do, you'll pass on the wonder of the season to your children and help them discover a kind of Christmas that can never be canceled.

Q: Somehow our family has fallen into a pattern of needing to "top" the previous holiday season. My kids seem to expect a bigger and better Christmas, and it always falls on me to make it happen. Frankly, I don't have the energy. Can you help me out?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: There are plenty of us who know exactly what you're talking about. It seems our culture is trending away from the simple and toward the extravagant in almost every area of life. Outrageous birthday parties, theatrical marriage proposals, grandiose weddings and over-the-top events of all kinds have become the norm. As you've experienced, it's an unhealthy expectation that creates a lot of unnecessary stress. When it comes to Christmas, I believe there's a better way.

You can enrich your family's experience of the Christmas season by looking for ways to maximize everyday moments. It's a principle I've often applied to the challenge of building a stronger marriage, but it can also be used to lessen holiday stress and strain as well.

Instead of staging a "Celebration to End All Celebrations," try introducing Christmas into the little things you do each day during December. For instance, keep a batch of holiday cookies on hand and pack them in each child's lunch when you send them off to school. Get your ornaments down from the attic early and involve everyone in sorting them out. Put up one new decoration every day from your assortment of family favorites. Play Christmas music at mealtimes or before bed. Take advantage of small opportunities to share Christmas memories or talk about what the holiday season means to you. There are endless ways to give every day a creative Yuletide twist.

Try it and I guarantee you'll like it. In fact, you may never have a big holiday blowout again!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Can you tell me what it means to "honor" a parent who has become increasingly cranky, feisty, disagreeable and demanding as a result of Alzheimer's disease and the aging process? My mom was once a sweet, caring and soft-spoken woman, but all that has changed dramatically over the past few years.

Jim: There's no doubt about it -- caring for an aging loved one involves sacrifice and self-discipline, especially in situations like yours.

We should begin, then, by defining "honor." Honor implies choosing to give great respect and care to our elders -- not grudgingly, but from a principle of love and out of genuine concern for their needs. True honor is placing the highest value on our loved ones, regardless of whether they deserve it or not.

Once you've made this choice, the key issue is knowing how to carry it out. The biblical commandment to "Honor your father and mother" doesn't mention specifics. It has nothing to say about nursing homes, pensions or Medicare. Nor does it obligate you to take aging parents into your home.

Instead, the art of honoring a cranky elder is based on intuitive knowledge. That knowledge, in turn, is rooted in your love for and commitment to your mother. Out of that commitment and your day-to-day interactions with her will grow an awareness of practical ways you can serve her and care for her immediate needs. This might mean sharing your home and offering financial support. It could also involve seeking support services, filling out endless health insurance forms, providing transportation and communicating with doctors.

Finally, remember that it's never too late -- or too soon -- to love and honor your elders. As you seek to honor your mother, your love for her will grow and your relationship with her will be enriched.

Q: My 13-year-old son loves music and hopes to turn this passion into a viable career someday. As you can imagine, he's constantly checking out new bands and artists' videos. I'm all for him increasing his artistic knowledge and developing his craft, but I worry that he's being exposed to a lot of risque images and nudity. Do I have reason for concern?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: Sadly, the challenges parents face from the entertainment industry and popular culture don't ease up or take a day off. A recent discussion on Fox News' "Four4Four" program highlighted three well-known female celebs who'd recently gone topless, as the panel examined the question, "(Are) Music Videos Getting too Naked?" Had the program discussed the subject, "Are Music Videos Getting too Risque?" they could have begun that discussion 30 years ago.

But just because nudity and other explicit content is common doesn't mean it's healthy. Overall, more than 60 percent of men ages 18 to 30 admit to viewing porn monthly, and the downside of doing so is well-documented. (Check out internetsafety101.org/harmsofpornography.htm.)

Although there are many ways to start down a path toward porn addiction, I've heard from several men who've said that watching today's movies and television has been their gateway. As one man shared, "I found that to feed my lusts, I didn't need to purchase Penthouse or Playboy ... Hollywood movies and television became my Playboy and Penthouse."

On our website (pluggedin.focusonthefamily.com), you'll find a video of another man who tells a similar story. While both of these examples link back to movies and TV, it's no stretch to say that a great many of today's music videos can have the same unfortunate effect.

In your son's case, I'd suggest installing Internet filtering software (we recommend NetNanny) and hanging out together while he's online studying the latest music videos.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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