Q: Should I share my marital frustrations and problems with my parents and siblings? We're a tight-knit family, and though my marriage isn't in crisis, sometimes I just need to vent.

Jim: Only if the sharing, venting and "support" they garner for you are likely to produce positive results in your marriage. But how do you determine this?

The first step is to gauge the emotional stability and psychological health of your parents and siblings. Are they really the kind of people you can trust with your secret marital frustrations? Do they have the capacity to listen compassionately to what you have to say and would their only motive be to offer you good, solid, objective and disinterested advice?

Every couple needs a strong support system -- a group of people they can turn to in times of trouble. Ideally, we all want family members to be part of that network. When it comes to your marital frustrations, however, family is often too emotionally involved, too biased, and too invested to maintain a helpful and objective point of view. Remember, God has designed your marriage to be an exclusive relationship. If you want to preserve its integrity and promote its health, you have to take measures to protect it from outside meddling.

Generally speaking, I'd encourage you and your spouse to keep your conflicts and disagreements between yourselves. If you find yourself needing a third party to help you work things through, we'd urge you to seek out a same-gender individual who can maintain a purely detached and disinterested perspective -- a pastor, for instance, or a qualified marriage counselor or a trusted friend. This is the best way to preserve safety and trust at the heart of your marriage.

Q: My fiance and I are excited to be planning our wedding, but we're already starting to encounter some tension as we talk about budgeting for the ceremony -- much less how we'll manage our finances once we're married. Do you have any advice?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: One of the greatest areas of conflict in any marriage is money. The reasons are easy to understand. When you put two people together with one checkbook who have different value systems, different personalities, different training, different goals and different priorities, you're bound to have conflict. Determining how you are going to make financial decisions and who pays what bills, who determines the budget, etc., are essential aspects of preparing for marriage.

You should also address your respective beliefs about credit cards (and whether either of you are bringing any credit debt into the marriage), along with topics like student loans, children (when and how many), how soon you expect to buy a house and other lifestyle expectations.

It can actually be a good idea for young couples to prepare a combined budget before they get married. Most of the financial conflict that occurs in marriage can be avoided if couples spend some time talking through these issues prior to the wedding. These questions assume an even larger significance when divorced or widowed individuals come together in a second marriage.

Many of the money problems that arise in marriage are actually communication problems. If a couple can't discuss money, which will affect their lives on a daily basis, they are bound to have serious issues showing up in other areas of their life together. Values, goals, priorities, philosophies, training -- it's important to understand all of these things about yourself and your intended spouse before you get married. For more insights, I would humbly suggest the book "Ready to Wed" from Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley, general editors (Tyndale House Publishers Inc., 2015).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My son has always been very open with me, but now that he's in middle school, I can barely get him to tell me how his day went. How can this worried mom stay connected?

Jim: By the time kids enter middle school, their march toward independence is well under way. It can be a confusing time for parents -- as my wife, Jean, and I can attest, since we've been living it the past few years!

When a child spreads his wings, it can feel like he's turning his back on you instead. But that's not really the case. Your middle schooler needs you as much as he always has -- in some ways, more. He just needs you in a different way than he did in his formative years.

That requires us as parents to strike a delicate balance with our middle school children. As author Cynthia Tobias says, you have to relax your grip while never taking your hands off the wheel. If you back off too much, you'll leave them drifting and flailing. But if you lean in too hard, you'll push them away or embarrass them.

In practical terms, that means you have to lean in to your son enough to take his problems seriously. The events your middle schooler faces may seem of little consequence to you as an adult, but they can represent a teen's whole life. So don't minimize their adolescent struggles. At the same time, you have to relax your grip and not force solutions on them too quickly.

As one middle school student put it, "Don't be an 800-pound gorilla." Instead, listen closely to their heart, not just their words, and help them discover an answer.

Q: What's your opinion of the use of hypnosis in therapy? Is this really a legitimate clinical tool? Are there any spiritual dangers associated with this practice?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: We realize that hypnosis raises concerns in the minds of some people. For our part, we see no reason to regard it as "evil" or "dangerous" in and of itself. In actuality, there's little or no basis for most of the popular fears associated with this technique. It's not true, for instance, that a hypnotist can gain control or mastery of another person's will. In fact, some experts are skeptical about hypnosis's effectiveness in exerting any kind of influence over its subject. That's one of the reasons we have reservations about recommending its use.

Used ethically and responsibly, hypnosis is a method of inducing relaxation as a way of releasing the subject's subconscious mind in an attempt to open the door to deeper personal insight. Under the careful supervision of a responsible and well-qualified professional, it can sometimes be beneficial. Before submitting to hypnosis, however, it's critical to know the administering therapist and to be familiar with his or her credentials, background, worldview, value system and personal beliefs.

In the wrong hands, hypnosis has the potential to create confusion and to cause more problems than it resolves. It's also important to add that hypnosis, like any other therapeutic technique, should be rejected out of hand if it takes on questionable spiritual overtones.

If you have additional questions or would like to discuss your concerns at greater length with a member of our staff, feel free call our Focus on the Family Counseling Department. Our counselors are available to speak with you Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. (MST) at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I have been married a little over two years, and we're really struggling with balancing our differences. We want to work as a team, but I think we're each afraid of losing our own identity in the process. How can we reach a happy medium?

Jim: There's no doubt about it: Marriage is a paradox. Consider that for a relationship to be successful, couples have to limit their independence. But at the same time, they have to thrive as individuals.

A good marriage takes the active involvement of two people -- the husband and the wife. On your own, you may have all the talent you need to be a roaring success in your career. But, in marriage, unless you work together with your spouse, your relationship is going to flounder. When two people each let go of some of their personal ambitions for the sake of the relationship, the bond between them will strengthen.

But that's just one side of the coin. The other is that the more connected you and your spouse become, the more important it is that you grow as individuals. Why? Because a healthy marriage consists of two unique people who can stand on their own. Entering marriage doesn't mean you suddenly stop being who you are. It's just the opposite. You bring yourself into your marriage, so it's important to become the best "you" you can be. As a matter of fact, it's those differences that help make a good marriage truly great.

So, should your marriage bring you and your spouse together as one? Or should the two of you be strong individuals? The answer is "yes"! That's the paradox of marriage. (FocusOnTheFamily.com offers plenty of resources to help you grow and thrive in both ways.)

Q: My son just started middle school, and he's hearing all sorts of new (to us) music that his friends and peers are listening to. I've gone online to check a couple of the artists he's mentioned, and I'm shocked by their lyrics. What can we do?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: First, let me commend you for not dismissing your concerns as simply a part of a child's growing-up. Studies have consistently shown that lyrical messages can strongly influence the lives of young people.

As for a strategy going forward, here's what I suggest. Call a family meeting, the sole purpose of which is to establish a clear policy regarding entertainment. Many parents don't feel the need to verbally articulate boundaries regarding what's acceptable and what is out of bounds. But trust me, modeling by itself isn't enough. When our children were young, our family went a step further and put our commitment in writing. After each of us signed it, we posted a copy in a visible place in our home.

It won't take much time to write up your own "family media constitution." The main point behind your efforts is to establish clear guidelines so there are no misunderstandings going forward. You may want to begin with: "Knowing the power of the media to influence our thoughts, behaviors and actions, we as a family commit to consuming movies, TV, videogames and music that are inspiring, encouraging and uplifting."

Once your family standard has been adopted and everyone understands the boundaries, it's likely that smartphones, tablets, etc. will need to be purged. I'd also encourage you to revisit this conversation and convene a family meeting at least twice a year to gauge your children's interest in all things media and evaluate their commitment to adhering to the family standard.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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