Q: Should we be concerned about our son's abusive behavior? We're constantly on him about hitting his younger siblings, and lately he's also been hurting the dog.

Jim: Our counselors recommend that you first look for stressors that might be causing your son to act out in this way. Is there tension or dysfunction at home? Conflict between Mom and Dad? Recent or impending divorce? Is there trouble at school, bullies in the neighborhood, a death in the family or some other type of trauma or loss? Circumstances like these could touch off the angry, aggressive behavior that you're describing. In cases like these, it's essential to deal with the underlying cause first. Only then will it become possible to deal directly with the abusive acts that are causing you concern.

Consider whether your son's actions can be traced to outside influences. Is there another boy in the neighborhood who treats his pets cruelly? Has your son recently been exposed to a lot of violent television or video games? Are there others in his life who display abusive tendencies? Remember, children learn by imitation and often copy what they see in the world around them.

If none of these seem likely, we suggest sitting down with your son and seeing if you can get him to pinpoint a reason for the cruel treatment he's been dishing out. Don't raise your voice or blow your top. Instead, draw him out gently and question him patiently. Do your best to encourage him to talk.

We'd also encourage you to contact us at 855-771-4357 for a referral to a child psychologist or family counselor in your area. This is especially important if you feel your son's behavior indicates a pattern of abuse. Trained therapists will have many tools at their disposal that can provide you with the help you need.

Q: My wife and I have been married for six years, and overall, we have a good marriage. But her impulsive spending habits are a source of constant stress. Every month, we have the same argument when the credit card statement arrives. She cries and apologizes -- and then keeps spending! What can I do?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: It's been said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. We probably all fit that definition to some extent! But it's clear from your description of what's happening in your marriage that your current strategy is in need of a different approach.

Money is a very emotional topic. People spend and save for a variety of reasons that are often rooted in needs like security, comfort, relational power and validation. So, when you and your wife have your monthly credit card confrontation, you're not just discussing dollars and cents.

Instead of reacting to the bill every month, I'd suggest you be proactive in addressing this issue. A good place you can turn to is Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. His course will help you and your wife work through a budget based on principles that you both can agree on. You can find out more information by visiting daveramsey.com. Our "Focus on Finances" web page can also equip you with additional tools and resources (focusonthefamily.com/alliances/finances.aspx).

Because financial issues involve emotions and relational tension, you may also want to enlist the help of a wise and caring marriage counselor. Yes, this requires an investment of time and expense up front. But with financial stress and disagreement consistently listed as a leading cause of divorce, it's an investment that will give your family's finances -- and your marriage -- the best chance of staying on the positive side of the ledger.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: How should I respond when my son tells me that my ex-husband has been making some very critical and unkind statements about me?

Jim: I'd first encourage you to figure out whether your ex-husband is truly guilty as charged. We all know kids are capable of exaggerating or making up stories, especially if they have some motive for pitting Mom and Dad against each other. So don't jump to conclusions until you've made a serious effort to gather the facts.

If the evidence convinces you that inappropriate comments are being made, let your son know that you'll be discussing it directly with his dad. This will give you a chance to communicate with your son about the motives behind your actions.

For example, you might say, "For some time now you've been mentioning certain negative things that your father's been saying about me. I think it's important for our family that we end this kind of talk. I'm going to speak with your dad about the problem and see if we can't find a way to agree about what we will and will not say about each other. That way, if we have issues with each other, we can resolve them without bringing you into it."

The final step is to contact your ex-husband and ask if he's willing to support such a plan. Whatever the response, you can still make up your mind not to retaliate by launching verbal counterattacks. This isn't to say that you should "candy coat" his flaws for the sake of keeping the peace among the three of you. When you have legitimate concerns, you should voice them to your former husband, but you should also do your best to maintain an attitude of respect. Hopefully your child will see that your actions speak louder than your ex-husband's words.

Q: I've been dating my boyfriend for almost two years. He's a great guy when we're around other people. But when we're by ourselves he can be very controlling. He gets upset if he doesn't get his way or if I don't do as he wishes. My parents tell me to stand up for myself, but that just seems to make things worse. I really love this man. How can I help him be less controlling?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: How can you help your boyfriend become less controlling? Unfortunately, you can't. While our behavior can impact and influence others, only God can change a heart.

So what should you do? You mentioned your parents have encouraged you to "stand up for yourself," and that may be good advice -- depending on what it means. It doesn't mean you can go toe-to-toe with your boyfriend as if you were confronting the class bully. That approach will get you nowhere. What's needed, rather, is for you to develop and demonstrate some self-respect. The fact that you've put up with this behavior for two years suggests that you could benefit from the support of a wise professional counselor. Don't hesitate to call us for a referral.

Standing up for yourself also means establishing some very clear boundaries with your boyfriend. If you do decide to try and continue on in a relationship -- a question I'd encourage you to give serious thought to -- you should insist that he get ongoing individual counseling for his anger and control issues. These behaviors are enormous red flags. If he's serious about his love and concern for you, he'll get the help he needs. Otherwise, you're better off without him -- doing the work you need to get healthy and trusting God for a new and better beginning.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: It seems every kid on the block hangs out at our house. We have stricter rules than most parents on our street about where our grade-school children are allowed to go, so all the kids end up here. I'm pleased that they feel comfortable at our home, but sometimes it feels overwhelming. What should we do?

Jim: This issue has more to do with the grown-ups in your neighborhood than with the kids. Uncomfortable as it sounds, I'd encourage you to initiate some friendly, straightforward conversations with the other parents on your street. Explain that while you love having their kids at your home, it would be helpful if everyone could agree on some ground rules. For example, it would be a good idea if the kids brought along their own snacks -- or snacks to share -- rather than raiding your fridge every time they get hungry. You can also minimize some of the bathroom cleanup by suggesting that they make a habit of visiting the restroom at home before coming over to play.

When you're talking with the neighborhood parents, keep in mind that this can be a great time to learn more about them, their backgrounds, their perspectives on life, and their basic values. Discuss the limits you set for your kids' behavior and find out if they're on the same page. If they are, and if you feel confident that there's adequate supervision, there's no reason why you can't allow your kids to spend some time playing at their homes. That way, you can begin to spread this responsibility around the neighborhood a little more evenly.

While you want to protect your children from dangers and negative influences, it's also important for their growth and development to look for opportunities to lengthen the proverbial leash a bit whenever reasonable and appropriate.

Q: How do I train my 2-year-old to clean up after herself? She'll go into her sisters' room and destroy it, and won't help clean up unless I threaten to punish her. Then she picks up only a couple of things before getting distracted. Frankly, it's easier for me to clean it up myself. My older girls complain that they have to clean up, but their little sister doesn't. I know this isn't fair, but what else can I do?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: As any parent knows, the most challenging task of raising a toddler is setting boundaries. It is important to teach your youngest daughter that she has to clean up the messes she makes, but that might be an impossible task if the messes are too big. Part of teaching your 2-year-old responsibility is not allowing her to get into trouble or create messes that are too big for her to clean up.

To start with, limit her play areas. If she consistently trashes her sisters' room, make that room off-limits. Keep play spaces confined to her own room or a family room. And in those areas, limit the number of toys she has access to at a given time. For example, give her a choice between playing with the dollhouse or the blocks. Then show her how to clean up one thing immediately before she moves on to the next.

What she's capable of handling is going to grow with time. The lesson of cleaning up a few toys will transfer to greater responsibility in years to come. Resist the temptation to swoop in and clean up for her -- but remember that you need to model what cleanup does look like. The extra time and effort now will be well worth it as your daughter grows.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.