Q: Now that I'm in my mid-20s, how can I help my mom understand I'm not a kid anymore? She seems unwilling or unable to recognize that I'm now an adult. What can I do?

Jim: Many parents have difficulty allowing a son or daughter to separate from the parent-child relationship and move ahead into full adulthood. There can be any number of factors involved. For example, it's often a significant issue in families with a history of marital conflict. The empty nest years can seem especially threatening to a woman who, for whatever reason, has been pouring her emotional energy into her children.

In that context, I'd suggest that trying to understand your mother's viewpoint could be a good start. What might be motivating her to hang on to your childhood so tenaciously? That awareness can help inform a productive discussion as two adults.

Establishing healthy boundaries will require a degree of assertiveness on your part. As gently and lovingly as possible, let your mom know that you love her, but you need to start establishing more emotional independence. While she may initially feel rejected, she needs to understand and acknowledge that this is a normal part of anyone's growth and maturation process.

Meanwhile, make sure that you're not enabling your mother to keep you in a childlike role. If you count on your parents for financial support or allow your mom to do your laundry every weekend, you're contributing to the problem. If you're still living at home, this is a good time to think about moving out and getting your own place.

Once out on your own, I would advise that you keep the lines of communication open and continue to be sensitive to your mom's feelings. Ultimately, your relationship with her is more important than most disagreements.

Q: I've been dating a very good, kind young lady for about three months now, and in the process I've spent a lot of time with her entire family. I didn't anticipate beginning to feel a stronger attraction to her sister, but that's exactly what has happened. Bottom line: I'd like to pursue a deeper relationship with the sister, but I don't want to be responsible for causing dissension within the family. Any advice?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I suggest that you politely break up with the girl you've been dating and take a hiatus from any further contact with her family for a reasonable period -- maybe six months or so. That will allow time for the emotional dust to settle, for the girl and her family to heal, and for you to get in touch with your own feelings. At the end of that period, you can think about gradually re-establishing contact with the sister -- if you still feel inclined to move ahead in that direction.

Some people might experience pain in the process, but you can't control that. It isn't necessarily your fault, and you needn't view yourself as being directly responsible for that aspect of the situation.

At the same time, you do need to conduct yourself as a responsible person in all your dealings and interactions with these people. You need to respect the young lady you've been dating, and you also have an obligation to display a proper regard for the relationship you've enjoyed with her and for the feelings of every member of her family.

So I don't think it would be a good idea to simply dump her and rush straight into a new relationship with her sister. Back off and let things take their course for a while. At that point, everyone will be in a better position to proceed -- or not -- with wisdom and sensitivity.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Do you think it's wise to have loans among family members -- for example, brother to brother, adult to child, parent to child, etc.?

Jim: Financial counselor Ron Blue highlights one all-important point to bear in mind in any situation like the one you're envisioning: Whenever money is loaned, the relationship between the parties involved changes. It's no longer simply brother-sister, father-son or friend-friend -- it's borrower-lender. When you loan money to a family member, you've introduced another level of complexity into the relationship.

This would also apply in the case of cosigning on a loan for a family member -- in other words, putting yourself in the position of becoming a surety for that person's debt. This is, in effect, the same thing as lending the money yourself.

If a member of your family is truly in need, you may want to seriously consider the option of simply giving him the money. Giving generously, with no strings attached, is a commendable and positive virtue.

However, if you have reasons for believing that this would be impractical or unwise, then Ron Blue recommends that you take steps to establish a formal borrower-lender relationship with repayment terms and interest rates clearly defined. Both parties should understand and agree to these terms up front. Don't leave anything to uncertainty or chance (as in, "Oh, just pay me back when you can"). Those terms should be documented in writing so the expectations for repayment are plain to all concerned.

Again: However you approach the situation, lending to or borrowing from family members is a potentially dangerous thing to do precisely because of the way it changes relationships; it will almost certainly introduce tension at some point or other. I'm not saying that it's wrong to get into an arrangement like this, but it's something that needs to be approached with caution and discernment.

Q: I'm a stay-at-home mom and my husband works hard to support our family, but we're living on a shoestring budget. How can I give my kids the chance to try different activities and programs when we don't have much money? I don't want them to miss out on life-enriching opportunities.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: The happiest, most well-adjusted children aren't those who are involved in a million different activities and who own every tech device on the market. Rather, the kids who thrive best are those who have committed, caring parents who spend time with them on a regular basis, and emphasize the importance of character over comfort and consumerism. So if you're feeling guilty because you can't buy your kids everything our culture says they need -- don't.

There are dozens of ways you can provide stimulating activities for your children that don't cost much money. A great place to start is your local library. Books and DVDs can introduce them to people and places they've never dreamed of before. If they're old enough, they can get their personal library cards and select their own materials to check out.

You should also take advantage of public museums, science centers and zoos in your area, most of which offer low-cost or free children's programs. If you live in a rural location, this may involve a special weekend trip once in a while, but it's well worth the time and effort.

Finally, don't overlook the world of music and drama. Many communities and universities offer concerts and theater productions for kids. There are also a number of classical radio stations across the country that produce educational programs aimed primarily at children (many of which stream over the Web).

These are just a few suggestions. I'm sure you can come up with many more ideas on your own, or from other moms.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My daughter is entering the tween years, and I'm concerned about her self-image. The other girls in her peer group are so focused on being thin and wearing the right clothes. But my mom always told me, "Pretty is as pretty does." How can I get that same message across?

Jim: Without question, our culture tends to define women by their appearance. Some of the worst offenders include popular music and movies. And ironically, magazines aimed at women and girls often send the message that a woman must be physically beautiful in order to have worth. Even relatively conservative publications airbrush the images on their covers.

In this toxic environment, it's up to parents to counter these damaging messages. It's all about finding a healthy balance between affirming your daughter's physical appearance and nurturing her character. According to author Vicki Courtney, little girls naturally want to be told they're pretty. If we don't tell them at all, they could end up having an unhealthy craving for male attention later on. But we don't want to go overboard and send the message that their worth is based on what they look like, either.

As daughters get older, parents need to emphasize virtue and character over appearance. "Pretty is as pretty does," indeed! When girls are exposed to negative stereotypes, we need to help them realize that images of models and celebrities who appear to have found the fountain of youth are not real. Most have been prepped by hair and makeup artists, Botox, plastic surgery -- and then airbrushed after the photos are taken.

Having a tween girl isn't easy. As you noted, many of your daughter's peers have already bought into the lie that appearance is all that matters. But with a little guidance and a lot of love, parents can defuse our culture's negative messages about femininity, and help their daughters develop a healthy self-image.

Q: My son just lost his job. While they get back on their feet, he and his family will be moving in with us starting next month. We're excited to have them around for a while -- but also a bit apprehensive. How can we maintain good relationships during this time?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I'm sorry to hear about your son's situation; I know that can be hard on everybody. The biggest area for potential problems centers on unclear expectations by both parties -- you and your spouse on one hand; your son and his wife on the other. So you should try to be as clear as possible going into the situation.

First, you and your spouse need to be unified and agree on any house rules prior to having your guests move in. Decide if there will be any rent involved, a tentative timeframe for the arrangement, and how to handle cleaning, chores, buying food, cooking, babysitting, etc. You also need to be sensitive to the fact that as parents, your son and his wife have the right to make decisions regarding their children (your grandkids). You must respect their parental authority and support it, even if they don't do things the way you would.

Then, sit down with your son and daughter-in-law in a relaxed setting to talk about these issues. Discuss their expectations. Discuss your expectations. Come to a consensus on the house rules, especially involving your grandkids, and how to handle disagreements or broken rules.

Finally, and for the benefit of all concerned, put something into writing -- a sort of mini-contract that defines all of these parameters.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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