Q: Should I insist on being in the exam room when my child visits a doctor? Recently, I took my 14-year-old daughter for a checkup and was told to wait outside. To be honest, I'm concerned about messages my daughter might receive that may run counter to my values.

Jim: We understand why you felt uncomfortable at being excluded from the room when such significant matters were being discussed. At the same time, members of our Physicians Resource Council report that teens often feel freer to talk about things they might never mention with Mom or Dad present. These aren't necessarily troubling secrets or problems, but issues that, for one reason or another, teens don't feel they can talk about with anyone else. In such cases, a good doctor has a tremendous opportunity to provide wise counsel and guidance during a confusing season in life.

That's why we recommend seeking out a health care professional who shares your values -- or who is at least willing to honor them. Talk to your daughter's doctor and discuss your concerns candidly but respectfully, particularly with regard to sexuality.

Also, when it comes to such delicate procedures as a pelvic exam, some adolescents may want a parent present, while others prefer to be on their own. Discuss this possibility with your daughter in advance so that you can both consider her feelings on the matter.

Most importantly, continue investing time and energy into strengthening your relationship with your daughter. Doing so will make it more likely that she'll look to you for guidance about important matters and life choices, now and in the future. If you haven't already, take this opportunity to engage your daughter on the topic of sex and make sure she understands God's design for human sexuality. Focus on the Family can provide you with resources to help you do so with confidence.

Q: Is it appropriate for wives to initiate sex and to take the lead on occasion when it comes to lovemaking? My husband and I enjoy a fulfilling and satisfying sex life, but that's one thing I've wondered about. I guess I've always felt that should be the man's place. There are times when I desire physical intimacy, but I have doubts about whether it's right for me to get things started. Do you this this is OK?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I think I can safely answer for most husbands out there with an enthusiastic "Yes!" But personal interests aside, in a healthy marriage, both partners should have the liberty to be honest and authentic with each other. This includes the freedom to express feelings and desires, sexual and otherwise, in open, transparent and non-manipulative ways.

That being the case, you can rest assured it's good, healthy, right, proper and appropriate for both marriage partners to take an active role in initiating sexual relations. This will vary according to circumstances and each spouse's mood, feelings and desires. Here, if anywhere, a couple's relationship should be characterized by the give-and-take of a dance. The most important thing is to maintain the kind of mutual affection and respect that enables you to be open and honest with each another.

Among other things, this means taking time to talk about sex outside the bedroom. Remember that in marital sex the two of you are co-creating something that is radically exclusive and uniquely your own. It's a painting, a tapestry, a work of art that requires active input from both parties. It's all about you and your spouse becoming who you want to be together. So be creative, set yourself free and use your imagination.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: It's Mother's Day, and I can't remember ever feeling so lonely. I recently lost my mother, who died suddenly this past Christmas. On top of that, my husband and I are still childless after two years and thousands of dollars' worth of infertility treatments. I just want this day to be over.

Jim: I hurt with you. Today is always emotional for me, too. Though decades have passed since my own mom's untimely death when I was just 9 years old, I still feel the power of her influence and the pain of her absence.

It's fitting and proper to set aside a day to honor mothers. I'm aware, however, that the occasion doesn't always feel joyous for everyone. Some, like us, have lost their mothers recently or too young. Others might be estranged from their mom, or perhaps divorce has changed the dynamic of the day.

My heart also breaks for the scores of women who long to be mothers but whose dreams haven't been realized due to infertility, illness or other reasons. And then there are mothers who've lost their children to inexplicable tragedy. Please know that you are not forgotten. The Lord knows, and He cares. He is close to the brokenhearted.

In that spirit, Focus on the Family is here for people like you. We're a ministry dedicated to helping families find hope and healing, whatever the circumstances. Please call us at 855-771-HELP (4357).

In the meantime, let me encourage you to consider that God can use our suffering to bring comfort to and deepen our relationships with others. As you work through your grief, be on the lookout for similar souls in need of the shoulder you currently seek. There's great truth in the saying that friendship multiplies joys and divides sorrows.

Q: Should I marry a man who has a problem with pornography? We've been dating for some time and recently began talking about marriage. He's a fantastic person, but I'm wondering whether his porn addiction is a red flag.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: It is a red flag, and you shouldn't expect his addiction to go away on its own once you've said your wedding vows. To be more specific, don't assume that normal sexual relations will take the place of porn in his life.

That's because porn addiction isn't really about sex. It's a symptom of an intimacy disorder -- a comprehensive psychological illness that compels an individual to avoid deep, meaningful interaction with a real human being and to replace it with impersonal sensual imagery. Unless this disorder is addressed and resolved, your relationship cannot move forward on a healthy footing. Marriage will not fix the problem. It will only complicate matters and increase your pain.

So, what can you do? We recommend you get professional counseling together before there is any further talk of marriage. An intensive counseling model, consisting of a limited and concentrated series of sessions focusing specifically on the addiction problem, is the best way to address this issue. And now is the perfect time to do it. At this stage in your relationship -- before you've made a formal commitment to each other by buying rings and mailing invitations -- you're in a much better position to take an in-depth, candid look at this issue and its impact on you as a couple.

If your boyfriend really cares about you and sincerely wants to spend his life with you, he has a powerful incentive to make the necessary changes at this stage of the game. Once you've tied the knot, that motivation will no longer exist in quite the same way.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife is biased against my children from my first marriage. We have four kids -- two from my first marriage and two from this one -- but she clearly favors her own. At first she seemed to accept the older kids, but lately her attitude toward them has become unfairly critical and overbearing. What can I do?

Jim: According to our counselors, what you're describing is actually quite common in blended families. These conflicts can often arise over disciplinary issues, since there's a natural tendency for a biological parent to feel protective of his or her offspring when the new spouse seems unreasonable or harsh.

But while the problem is common, it isn't always easy to resolve. I'd encourage you and your wife to seek professional help from a trained therapist who is skilled in working with stepfamilies -- and to do so sooner rather than later. With the challenges your children are facing as a result of the breakup of your first marriage, it's important that you do all you can to guard them from additional stress and pressure on the home front.

Among the goals you'll want to set for yourselves in therapy, perhaps the most important, will be that of strengthening your marriage. In any family, whether original or blended, the marital relationship needs to take priority. Your counselor can help you to get your "couple" relationship back on track and show you how to clarify the complex roles and expectations within your blended family.

You can get this process started by calling Focus on the Family's Counseling Department at 855-771-HELP (4357) for a free consultation. Our counselors will also be able to provide you with a list of licensed marriage and family specialists in your area.

Q: Should special consideration be given to an abuser when post-traumatic stress disorder is suspected? My husband recently returned from a two-year deployment overseas, and since then we've been subjected to verbal put-downs, emotional abuse and even threats of physical violence.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Regrettably, your spouse's situation isn't unusual. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an issue that medical doctors and mental healthcare professionals find themselves confronting with increasing frequency in today's war-torn world. Many returning veterans find it difficult to share their emotional pain. They've been to the brink of hell and back. They naturally assume that only those who have actually engaged in combat can understand their internal struggles. As a result, they keep their mouths shut and stuff their feelings deep inside. Unfortunately, this emotional suffering sometimes finds expression in the form of domestic abuse.

Does PTSD-induced abuse call for a special response? Yes and no. On the one hand, if your husband is suffering from the psychological impact of his combat experiences, there is a sense in which his condition is unique. It's vital that professional help be received as soon as possible.

At the same time, it's crucial to add that your dilemma doesn't differ significantly from that of any other abused or threatened spouse. Regardless of the underlying causes, a person in your position really has no choice. You must adopt the attitude that safety is your top priority. If your husband becomes physically violent, don't hesitate to call 911. And if it's a question of emotional oppression and verbal put-downs, make it clear that this kind of behavior is unacceptable.

Bottom line: Seek help. Because PTSD is so prevalent, most branches of the military are now providing private, confidential, one-on-one counseling for those who are struggling with the fallout of combat service. Our licensed staff of counselors is also ready and eager to be of help. Please call them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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