Q: My wife is biased against my children from my first marriage. We have four kids -- two from my first marriage and two from this one -- but she clearly favors her own. At first she seemed to accept the older kids, but lately her attitude toward them has become unfairly critical and overbearing. What can I do?

Jim: According to our counselors, what you're describing is actually quite common in blended families. These conflicts can often arise over disciplinary issues, since there's a natural tendency for a biological parent to feel protective of his or her offspring when the new spouse seems unreasonable or harsh.

But while the problem is common, it isn't always easy to resolve. I'd encourage you and your wife to seek professional help from a trained therapist who is skilled in working with stepfamilies -- and to do so sooner rather than later. With the challenges your children are facing as a result of the breakup of your first marriage, it's important that you do all you can to guard them from additional stress and pressure on the home front.

Among the goals you'll want to set for yourselves in therapy, perhaps the most important, will be that of strengthening your marriage. In any family, whether original or blended, the marital relationship needs to take priority. Your counselor can help you to get your "couple" relationship back on track and show you how to clarify the complex roles and expectations within your blended family.

You can get this process started by calling Focus on the Family's Counseling Department at 855-771-HELP (4357) for a free consultation. Our counselors will also be able to provide you with a list of licensed marriage and family specialists in your area.

Q: Should special consideration be given to an abuser when post-traumatic stress disorder is suspected? My husband recently returned from a two-year deployment overseas, and since then we've been subjected to verbal put-downs, emotional abuse and even threats of physical violence.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Regrettably, your spouse's situation isn't unusual. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an issue that medical doctors and mental healthcare professionals find themselves confronting with increasing frequency in today's war-torn world. Many returning veterans find it difficult to share their emotional pain. They've been to the brink of hell and back. They naturally assume that only those who have actually engaged in combat can understand their internal struggles. As a result, they keep their mouths shut and stuff their feelings deep inside. Unfortunately, this emotional suffering sometimes finds expression in the form of domestic abuse.

Does PTSD-induced abuse call for a special response? Yes and no. On the one hand, if your husband is suffering from the psychological impact of his combat experiences, there is a sense in which his condition is unique. It's vital that professional help be received as soon as possible.

At the same time, it's crucial to add that your dilemma doesn't differ significantly from that of any other abused or threatened spouse. Regardless of the underlying causes, a person in your position really has no choice. You must adopt the attitude that safety is your top priority. If your husband becomes physically violent, don't hesitate to call 911. And if it's a question of emotional oppression and verbal put-downs, make it clear that this kind of behavior is unacceptable.

Bottom line: Seek help. Because PTSD is so prevalent, most branches of the military are now providing private, confidential, one-on-one counseling for those who are struggling with the fallout of combat service. Our licensed staff of counselors is also ready and eager to be of help. Please call them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: How do we establish workable media standards for our teenagers? I understand the importance of teaching thoughtful discernment, but sometimes I feel the need for more solid guidelines in order to gauge the merits of movies, television programs and music. Can you suggest anything?

Jim: Personally, I think it's a good idea to avoid extremes. Some moms and dads choose to lay down the law: No movies. No television. Period. This approach may simplify your entertainment-purchasing decisions, but it can also breed rebellion.

Other parents go to the opposite extreme: Anything goes. Do whatever you want. But this permissive approach also has some major drawbacks. I'd encourage you to steer a middle course by agreeing on shared moral values and then working together with your kids to set healthy boundaries.

It's basically a question of deciding how much you want to shield your teens from questionable entertainment, and to what extent you'd like to discuss popular media with them. Try to strike a healthy balance between the two. Put your ideas into writing and develop a "family entertainment constitution." Where possible, include suggestions from the kids -- this will ensure their buy-in and ownership of the parameters. Once the document has been drafted, post it on your refrigerator door. Make it clear that it applies to all members of the family. Stick to your guns when violations occur.

Where music is concerned, it's wise to remember that styles can be deceptive. It's entirely possible for harder genres to offer up positive messages, while some mellower musicians dump all sorts of lyrical sewage on their fans. Try not to be swayed purely by personal preference. Don't get distracted by the style or look of the messenger. Instead, take a close look at the ideas being conveyed.

Q: My spouse doesn't get along with my parents and siblings. This has led to serious conflict in our marriage. My mom and dad have always enjoyed hosting big family get-togethers, especially during the holidays, but things have gotten so bad that my spouse is no longer willing to participate in these gatherings. I'm tired of dealing with the tension. Can you suggest a solution?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: The problem you're describing is extremely common, but that doesn't mean that you can't solve it. I suggest you sit down together and discuss it in a rational manner. Find a time -- maybe over coffee or after dinner at a nice restaurant -- when you can lay your concerns on the table. It's vital that the two of you come to a meeting of the minds over this issue. Relationships with extended family are an important part of every marriage. This is something you're going to have to face together if you want to build a marital relationship that will go the distance.

You may be able to work out a compromise. Why not skip certain holidays or plan alternatives to the family gatherings every other year? You could tell your parents that you and your spouse have decided to spend a quiet Thanksgiving or Christmas with your own immediate family this year. This could remove some of the stress and make it easier to face the next big get-together.

A second choice would be to attend the gathering, but stay at a local hotel rather than at your parents' home. Explain that while you're looking forward to seeing them, you'd also like to have some time and space to yourselves. Then, if the family get-together becomes unbearable for you or your spouse, you can always escape to your hotel room.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: We have a young, growing family, and I'd like to do everything I can during this formative period to encourage everyone in the house to develop healthy habits. Can you provide me with any helpful tips?

Jim: Great question! Intentionality is an important part of promoting good health. According to Focus on the Family's Physicians Resource Council, the following list of questions can help you take a more proactive approach:

-- What's the quality of your fuel? When planning your family's menu, think about the number of calories you're consuming, the actual nutrients contained in the foods you eat and the importance of including sufficient amounts of fruits and vegetables in your diet.

-- Are you watching your weight? If you or anyone else in your family is overweight, see your physician to develop a program of diet and exercise that will help you shed the extra pounds.

-- Do you exercise regularly? You, your spouse and your children should be doing some kind of physical exercise at least five days a week.

-- Do you ingest any harmful substances? Tobacco, heavy alcohol use, illegal drugs and excessive amounts of prescription medications all present serious threats to long-term health and quality of life.

-- How is your emotional health? Take steps to ensure that your family's life is kept on an even mental and emotional keel.

-- How is your spiritual health? A strong personal faith can have a measurable impact on your physical health.

-- Are you getting enough refreshing, restorative sleep? The amount and quality of the sleep we get is a vital component of good health.

This is just a quick rundown of the essentials, of course, but if you put these suggestions into practice, you and your family will be on track to live a long and healthy life. I wish you all the best!

Q: When I drive my two kids (one teen, one preteen) to school, sports or music practice -- just about anywhere -- I've usually got the radio on, always to something positive. My kids say that my station choices are boring and my music is "lame." As a result, just recently, they've both resorted to using earbuds and listening to music via their cellphones. At least we don't argue anymore about what's playing in my car. But I can't say I'm really comfortable with this new arrangement. What say you?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: As an empty-nester, I want to remind you that while you'll have many years down the road to listen to your favorite radio stations (mostly by yourself, I might add), you only have a few short years left with your children. So turn off the radio, insist that your kids unplug, and enjoy some old-fashioned conversation.

Meanwhile, it's always a good idea to have family listening guidelines. First off, make sure your children know that only music that's positive, inspiring, encouraging or, at the very least, "neutral" will be allowed. Nothing racy or risque. Nothing glorifying drugs or violence. Nothing hopelessly wallowing in gloom and pain. To facilitate that, make sure they understand the research linking troublesome music lyrics to negative attitudes and behaviors. (This is easy to Google.)

Next, be sure to listen to what they're listening to. Check out the music they've downloaded and make sure it's not pirated. If they utilize music apps such as Spotify or Pandora, take time to lend an ear to tunes from their various station picks.

Finally, talk to them about listening at an appropriate volume level. In fact, listen in at the levels they've set. What your children consider acceptable may actually be damaging their hearing -- a disconcerting trend, even among teenagers.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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