Q: My husband and I are newly married, and my in-laws are always making unannounced visits. We've subtly suggested that they call first, but so far nothing has changed. What should we do?

Jim: In-law relations can be especially sensitive and difficult to manage. Because this involves your husband's parents, it's best if he addresses this problem with his mom and dad. That's assuming that the two of you are on the same page. If this isn't the case, then you'll need to resolve this issue before tackling the in-law problem.

For a marriage to thrive, a couple needs to view and recognize themselves as a family unit that is separate and distinct from their families of origin. It's critical that they grant their new family unit precedence over the old and give priority to building and strengthening their relationship. Once you and your husband have agreed on this, you can then explain your position to your in-laws.

Hopefully this can be accomplished by means of a good-natured, non-defensive family discussion. I'd suggest your husband begin by telling his parents how much you both love them, and that you desire their involvement in your lives. Then he should explain that, as newlyweds, you're trying to establish a new life together, and that this requires a certain amount of privacy. Assure them that they are welcome to come by, but that you'd prefer to know ahead of time.

If they react defensively or in anger, or continue to drop by unannounced, there are probably some boundary issues below the surface that you may need to guard against. If that's the case, I'd encourage you to get a copy of the book "Boundaries," by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend (Zondervan, 1992). Or feel free to call one of our Focus counselors for help.

Q. My wife and I are newly married with adult children from previous marriages. Her son recently moved in with us because his wife left him for another man. We're trying to support him, but I'm concerned he's taking advantage of his mother. She does everything for him and it bothers me. How should I approach my wife about this without harming our relationship?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: You're wise to take a thoughtful approach here. My advice to anyone who's confronting another person is to first sort out what's really the troubling issue. For you, it could be that you're being protective of your wife. Or perhaps the attention she's redirecting toward him has caused you to feel neglected by your new bride, whose company you'd like to be enjoying. Both can be legitimate concerns, but it's critical you determine what it is that truly needs to be discussed.

When you do sit down with your wife, take your cue from St. Francis and seek to understand, before being understood. Listen first to learn why she's indulging her son. She may be feeling guilt over the breakup of her family, or pain for her son because of his own divorce. Whatever the case, empathize with her feelings and how this has impacted her. Only then should you begin to share your feelings.

Finally, work together to come up with a solution that's a "win-win" for your marriage. Remember you're a team, and anything resembling a "win-lose" is a loss for both of you. Devise a plan for how her son can contribute (cleaning, laundry, rent, etc.) and for how long he can stay. Then support your wife as she communicates these boundaries to her son with you by her side. Although this is a challenge you'd prefer to avoid, it could make your marriage even stronger in the end.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: The idea of "leadership" seems to be getting a lot of hype these days. Whether I'm at church, in a bookstore or at work, it seems the assertion that "everybody should strive to be a leader" is always being pushed. What are your thoughts?

Jim: The greatest leader who ever lived, in my opinion, had some revolutionary things to say about leadership, including the idea that whoever wants to be truly great must become a servant. His words were as revolutionary 2,000 years ago as they are today, and they have some pretty radical implications for our contemporary concept of "leadership." In fact, a study of other great leaders, such as George Washington and Martin Luther King, could suggest that the reluctant leader is probably the best candidate for the job, and the person best suited to exercise authority is probably the one who wants it least.

Why is this? I'd suggest two reasons. The first is humility. The reluctant leader is a good leader because he acknowledges his own weakness and inadequacy. He looks to God for wisdom and surrounds himself with those who compensate for his deficiencies. The arrogant leader, on the other hand, easily falls prey to carelessness and invites disaster for his people.

The second reason is more subtle. A true leader understands the personal demands and self-sacrifice required of genuine leadership. He realizes that sleepless nights and lonely days -- not privilege and perks -- are part of the package of shepherding others.

The bottom line: Don't strive for or seek leadership for its own sake. Rather, look to serve wherever you may be, and if God should put you in a position of leadership, exercise it with an attitude of fear and trembling.

Q. Just about every marriage expert I've ever heard says that healthy communication is vital to a strong marriage. They make it sound so involved. Isn't talking just talking? What's the big deal?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Communication is the primary way that intimacy is achieved, and without intimacy it's impossible to have a healthy marriage. There are five basic levels of communication, and each one is important.

-- Level 1: Cliches. These are exchanges like "How are you doing?" This common courtesy can help maintain a positive interactive tone.

-- Level 2: Exchanging facts and information. This is absolutely necessary for the effective everyday function of family life.

-- Level 3: Sharing Opinions. Here is where we begin to discover what another person thinks and where conflict can occur. When we express our thoughts, we make ourselves more vulnerable.

-- Level 4: Sharing Feelings. Sharing feelings creates opportunities to be heard and understood, and offers a glimpse into our true identities. In a healthy marriage, feelings are respected and can be openly expressed based on an established foundation of trust and safety.

-- Level 5: Sharing Needs. This is the deepest level of communication, requiring the most vulnerability and trust. An example would be, "I need some encouragement. I've been beaten up at work today." When we reach this level, we feel secure, accepted and confident that our spouse will reassure, rather than reject, us.

Unfortunately, the fast pace of life can cause us to fall into the pattern of staying in the first two or three levels. If that's true for your marriage, commit to taking steps of growth in this area. Find a time and place that you both are available and typically open to deeper conversation. Admittedly, this may take some getting used to. But if you keep at it, you'll create an environment of refuge and comfort in your marriage, and deepen the trust and security in your relationship.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY

TEEN'S USE OF MARIJUANA CAUSES TENSION IN FAMILY

Q: What can we do about our teen's use of marijuana? When we confronted him, he said that it's now socially acceptable and on the verge of being legalized. He's refused to stop, and we're not sure how to respond.

Jim: Sadly, your son is correct in some respects. The social stigma against marijuana is diminishing rapidly, and some states -- including my home state of Colorado -- have legalized it for even non-medicinal purposes.

Nevertheless, marijuana remains off-limits to anyone under 21 in every state, and is still illegal at the federal level. Legalities aside, the fact remains that cannabis is a mind-altering and addictive drug. Your son needs to know that his physical and mental health is being compromised. If you've noticed recent changes in his personality, you can strengthen your case by describing these behavioral shifts in specific terms. You can also direct him the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (www.samhsa.gov), where he can see images of "the brain on pot" and access facts about the effects of marijuana on the central nervous system.

Once you've covered the science, don't hesitate to draw a line in the sand. Let your son know that, as long as he's living with you, the weed has to go. The permissive attitudes of society have nothing to do with the standards governing your home. Set firm and consistent boundaries, and enforce them by imposing swift and powerful consequences -- for example, the loss of cellphone or driving privileges.

If he refuses to cooperate, our counseling team recommends that you seek professional help together, as a family. The most successful treatment programs take a family systems approach that involves intensive evaluation and a series of counseling sessions offered in an environment of community and accountability.

Q: How can couples achieve intimacy with a newborn in the house? How can we keep the spark going?

Dr. Greg Smalley, executive director of Marriage and Family Formation: After the birth of a baby, interest in sex can be very different for each person. Some want to resume intimacy as soon as possible. Others experience a decrease in desire. There can be many reasons for this: postpartum depression, fatigue, preoccupation with the baby, fear of discomfort during intercourse (due to temporary physiological changes following the birth), tension or anxiety about new responsibilities, and hormonal changes.

Before you and your spouse resume your sexual relationship, talk with your doctor. Ask specific questions about how long you should wait before intercourse and what you might expect physically.

Medical considerations aside, the key to a couple's sexual relationship after childbirth is not how active their sex life is. Instead, it is tied to their understanding of one another's needs. Ask each other questions like, "What would make our intimate relationship a '10' to you?" "What do you need from me sexually right now?"

It's important to really listen to how your mate responds to these questions. Don't diminish his or her responses. Remember, this is what your mate needs from you sexually right now. There is no right or wrong answer. If you receive an answer that is below your expectations, honor your spouse, even though you may not agree.

And don't forget, a wife will respond sexually after she feels emotionally connected to her husband. Make sure you're focusing on meeting each other's emotional and relational needs. Talking about your day, praying together, setting relationship goals and having regular date nights will help build your emotional relationship.

A positive sexual relationship stems from a positive relationship first. Once your spouse feels like you're honoring his or her needs, then he or she can better respond to yours, too.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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