FOCUS ON THE FAMILY

TEEN'S USE OF MARIJUANA CAUSES TENSION IN FAMILY

Q: What can we do about our teen's use of marijuana? When we confronted him, he said that it's now socially acceptable and on the verge of being legalized. He's refused to stop, and we're not sure how to respond.

Jim: Sadly, your son is correct in some respects. The social stigma against marijuana is diminishing rapidly, and some states -- including my home state of Colorado -- have legalized it for even non-medicinal purposes.

Nevertheless, marijuana remains off-limits to anyone under 21 in every state, and is still illegal at the federal level. Legalities aside, the fact remains that cannabis is a mind-altering and addictive drug. Your son needs to know that his physical and mental health is being compromised. If you've noticed recent changes in his personality, you can strengthen your case by describing these behavioral shifts in specific terms. You can also direct him the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (www.samhsa.gov), where he can see images of "the brain on pot" and access facts about the effects of marijuana on the central nervous system.

Once you've covered the science, don't hesitate to draw a line in the sand. Let your son know that, as long as he's living with you, the weed has to go. The permissive attitudes of society have nothing to do with the standards governing your home. Set firm and consistent boundaries, and enforce them by imposing swift and powerful consequences -- for example, the loss of cellphone or driving privileges.

If he refuses to cooperate, our counseling team recommends that you seek professional help together, as a family. The most successful treatment programs take a family systems approach that involves intensive evaluation and a series of counseling sessions offered in an environment of community and accountability.

Q: How can couples achieve intimacy with a newborn in the house? How can we keep the spark going?

Dr. Greg Smalley, executive director of Marriage and Family Formation: After the birth of a baby, interest in sex can be very different for each person. Some want to resume intimacy as soon as possible. Others experience a decrease in desire. There can be many reasons for this: postpartum depression, fatigue, preoccupation with the baby, fear of discomfort during intercourse (due to temporary physiological changes following the birth), tension or anxiety about new responsibilities, and hormonal changes.

Before you and your spouse resume your sexual relationship, talk with your doctor. Ask specific questions about how long you should wait before intercourse and what you might expect physically.

Medical considerations aside, the key to a couple's sexual relationship after childbirth is not how active their sex life is. Instead, it is tied to their understanding of one another's needs. Ask each other questions like, "What would make our intimate relationship a '10' to you?" "What do you need from me sexually right now?"

It's important to really listen to how your mate responds to these questions. Don't diminish his or her responses. Remember, this is what your mate needs from you sexually right now. There is no right or wrong answer. If you receive an answer that is below your expectations, honor your spouse, even though you may not agree.

And don't forget, a wife will respond sexually after she feels emotionally connected to her husband. Make sure you're focusing on meeting each other's emotional and relational needs. Talking about your day, praying together, setting relationship goals and having regular date nights will help build your emotional relationship.

A positive sexual relationship stems from a positive relationship first. Once your spouse feels like you're honoring his or her needs, then he or she can better respond to yours, too.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: Is it OK for married persons to have friends of the opposite sex? While my husband was away on a weeklong trip, I had a male friend from work come over to help me care for our 18-month-old daughter. After she fell asleep, we hung out watching movies together. I told my husband about it, and now he's upset and feels that I've betrayed him. Do you think he's overreacting?

Jim: I'm afraid you won't find my answer very reassuring. While your motives may have been innocent, it's my opinion that inviting over a male co-worker while your husband is out of town oversteps appropriate boundaries. Obviously, many married people enjoy healthy, non-romantic friendships with individuals of the opposite sex. But it's important to handle these relationships wisely and to be on guard against hidden pitfalls. If you want to preserve the health of your marriage, it's critical to place protective "boundaries" on these relationships.

The truth is that it's far easier than you may think to cross the line from a platonic friendship into a seemingly "harmless" romance. The danger is especially high when you and the other person have a lot in common. If these shared interests and compatible temperaments lead you to entertain "innocuous" thoughts such as, "This person understands me far better than my spouse," you're already treading on treacherous turf.

I imagine your marriage is very important to you. If so, I'd encourage you to talk things through with your husband. Acknowledge that you made a mistake and reassure him of your love. If he's unable to let it go, it may be because there are some deeper trust issues that the two of you need to work through. Our Focus counselors would be happy to help you, so please give them a call.

Q: My 13-year-old son has a real penchant for irresponsible and selfish behavior. I took off early from work the other day so he could audition for a local community musical production. When I arrived at the school he was nowhere in sight, but his friend told me he was goofing off with a bunch of his classmates in the band room. After trying to reach him by phone and waiting 15 minutes, I headed back to work. He missed his audition and had to wait for me after school until I finished my workday. I thought I'd done the right thing, but other parents have suggested I was a bit harsh and now I'm starting to wonder. What do you think?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Personally, I'd love to give you a standing "O" and shake your hand. What you did was courageous, and a huge favor to other parents who need the benefit of your inspiring example.

Sadly, we've witnessed an unfortunate trend in recent years that has seen moms and dads "over-functioning" for their kids. This is typically displayed in parents doing things for their children that they should be doing for themselves, or in refusing to let their children experience character-building instances of discomfort and inconvenience. Often what is considered "helping" is instead stunting, in terms of equipping their children to become responsible and independent adults. Regrettably, when parents over-function, they usually end up raising under-functioning adults.

So stick to your guns! You did the loving thing by allowing your son to suffer the natural consequences of his poor choice and selfish behavior. Keep it up, and chances are he'll thank you for it someday.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Focus on the Family counselors are available Monday through Friday between 6 a.m. and 8 p.m. Mountain time at 855-771-HELP (4357). Focus on the Family's website is at www.focusonthefamily.com.

Q: How can we get a break from the kids once in a while? Ever since they came along, we can't even find two minutes to sit down and have a meaningful conversation.

Jim: This is a common challenge for most parents, and it probably won't surprise you that the biggest hurdles are typically time and money. Although these are real concerns, a little outside-the-box thinking and expectation adjustment can go a long way toward getting around these obstacles.

For instance, you may not be able to afford a baby sitter or dinner at a restaurant once a week. If so, you might choose one night a week to get the kids in bed early, put a pizza in the oven, and enjoy each other's company. Many couples are avoiding this roadblock by sharing baby-sitting responsibilities with other young parents. One couple goes out while the other cares for both sets of kids; then, the following week, they trade places. This is just one of the ways you might get creative about finding child care in order to free yourselves up for regular "dates." If the cost of a night out on the town is prohibitive, pick up some fast food and head for the park. Relaxing and meaningful time together doesn't have to be expensive.

If you're wondering whether it's worth the hassle, think back to the time you had with your spouse before your first baby arrived. My guess is that you'll recall some special moments you'd forgotten about that brought the two of you closer together. Even if you can't find the same time you once enjoyed, take whatever you can get. The main thing is to consciously and regularly look for any and all opportunities to be a couple again. You'll be glad you did.

Q: Several times you've suggested that pornography is detrimental to individuals who engage with it. I can understand if you want to make this a moral issue, but personally I don't see how it negatively impacts the person who consumes it. Where's the harm?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: The most obvious evidence may be seen in the increase in sexual addictions that has accompanied the digital age and its corresponding easy access to and proliferation of porn. Sexual addictions of every kind have become widespread, affecting men and women, boys and girls, from every age group and all walks of life.

God has designed us with a basic human craving for relationship, and all of us are wired with the need to connect. Unfortunately, pornography offers a counterfeit and distorted form of intimacy and attachment. In fact, Juli Slattery and Linda Dillow, co-founders of Authentic Intimacy, report that married couples younger than 30 years of age are facing intimacy challenges that previous generations never had to confront -- and a common, significant factor is pornography.

Many of today's young men have been "raised" on porn and have become accustomed to the instant sexual gratification it provides. As a result, they often don't know how to build an authentic sexual relationship with their wives. Or they may not want to invest the effort needed to achieve true physical intimacy, especially since women generally require time to respond, and men can interpret it as personal failure when they don't. That's not to mention the sense of rejection and betrayal experienced by a wife or husband whose spouse is hooked on porn.

Recovery isn't easy, and it takes time and hard work to develop healthy relationships. But help is available. Our Focus staff of licensed therapists would be happy to talk with anyone who may be struggling. Please give them a call.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Focus on the Family counselors are available Monday through Friday between 6 a.m. and 8 p.m. Mountain time at 855-771-HELP (4357). Focus on the Family's website is at www.focusonthefamily.com.