parenting

Family's Decision Typical of 'Sandwich Generation'

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | April 27th, 2014

Q: We're considering taking my elderly mother into our home, rather than placing her in a nursing facility. This decision is especially difficult because we still have three children living with us. Would this new arrangement impact family dynamics?

Jim: In a big way -- and you should be prepared for blessings, as well as challenges. On the plus side, you'll have the emotional and practical support of your family as you take on the weighty task of meeting your mother's needs. There's also the potential of realizing a strong sense of family unity and cohesiveness as you share in the caregiving responsibilities.

Then there are the potential benefits for your kids as they experience firsthand the importance of sacrifice and service in the interest of others. This can become a vital part of their character growth. There's also the opportunity for them to develop a special relationship with their grandparent.

On the other side, the stability of your family will likely be affected. With these changes, your children's social lives will probably be disrupted and their personal freedom may be restricted in some ways. And you and your spouse will at times be caught in between the competing needs of your kids and your mother, while your own needs frequently take a backseat. This is what people have in mind when they talk about the "sandwich generation."

There's obviously a lot here to pray about as you consider the equally legitimate questions of your responsibility to your mom and your family's well-being. In short, there are no simple solutions to the challenges you'll face if you take her in. It will involve a delicate balancing act and place you in a position where you will have no choice except to rely on the grace and wisdom of the Lord from one moment to the next. And that's a good place to be.

Q: My teenagers often go to films that have racy content. My heart tells me that it's probably not a good thing, but I have nothing more to go on than that. Can you help?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: I recently received an email from a young man who explained how his struggle with lust was linked to his television and movie choices, and not surfing inappropriate Internet sites. He's not alone. Hollywood has become a super-teacher to an untold large number of young people. As Tinseltown instills its own brand of sexual "values" via motion pictures, young people are embracing what they're being taught.

This isn't simply my opinion; mounting research is saying the same thing. For instance, two RAND Corp. studies found that teens exposed to sexualized television and music were more likely to become sexually active compared to their peers who had limited exposure. Researchers at Dartmouth College had similar findings regarding the power of sexualized motion pictures.

I believe that your teenagers already have a tough fight in guarding their hearts and minds without consuming risque media. Once, after a speaking engagement, a young man came up to me to argue for a film that I had labeled as inappropriate. His view was that the "art" trumped content. My response was to completely ignore the acting and special effects. Instead, I asked him if a certain sex scene and another involving nudity had ever caused him to struggle with his thought life. To this day, I've never had an answer. The man lowered his head and walked away.

Armed with the research, which is easy to find online, I'd suggest you have a heart-to-heart talk with your teens. It's never too late to lay down safe boundaries.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

parenting

Marijuana's Effects Too Damaging to Support Legalization

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | April 20th, 2014

Q: What's wrong with marijuana? Personally, I don't see any reason why it shouldn't be legalized.

Jim: Your viewpoint is gaining support, as evidenced by voter approval legalizing the recreational use of marijuana in Colorado and Washington. Public opinion aside, my concerns are rooted in the well-documented facts of what pot does to the person who uses it. These are just a few that have been highlighted by our Physicians Resource Council.

First, marijuana smoke is more irritating to the upper respiratory tract and contains 50 to 70 percent more cancer-provoking hydrocarbons than tobacco. Combine this with pot-smokers' tendency to inhale deeply and hold their breath while smoking, and it's easy to see why long-term marijuana users are at a high risk for chronic lung disease and for cancer of the upper respiratory tract and lungs.

Its impact on motor skills and intellectual functions is also detrimental. Frequent use can impair concentration, learning, memory and judgment -- conditions that can linger long after immediate effects of the drug have worn off. Long-term marijuana users are also known for developing a marked lack of motivation. Their personal goals and self-discipline literally go up in smoke. Other research has linked marijuana use with poor overall job performance.

Another concern is its addictive properties, which impair an individual's ability to make deep and meaningful attachments with people. This promotes isolation, which feeds the need to smoke pot, which strains more relationships, which causes increased conflict in marriage or with co-workers and friends.

Finally, pot can become a gateway drug for the user, creating pathways in the brain that invite experimentation with harder street drugs or prescription medications. Studies have shown that 90 percent of those currently using hard addictive drugs like heroin started with marijuana.

Given these facts and the damage that pot has done to people I love, there's simply no way I can support its legalization for recreational use.

Q: My husband refuses to trash old, ragged shirts. He wears them around the house and I can't stand it. So I "help" him out by making them quietly disappear. He usually doesn't notice, but recently he busted me and went looking for a particular faded relic that I'd just turned into a dust rag. Now I'm in the doghouse. Do you think what I did was really that bad?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I've laughed with lots of couples whose wives have been baffled by their husbands' inability to part with weathered wearables. It's a mystery to them that defies reason. So you can take comfort in knowing that you're in the company of some good women, including Mrs. Smalley.

That said, while the phenomenon is humorous, and the result of your actions non-catastrophic (I assume your husband's not walking around topless), there's a sense in which a foundational building block of your marriage -- respect -- may need some repair. And that may be true for both of you.

For your husband's part, he may have some legitimate reasons for wanting to keep and wear these shirts (and as a guy, I'll vouch that there are some). Regardless of your assessment, it's his stuff and his feelings, and you need to respect that. On your end, you probably have valid reasons for being bothered by his wearing these shirts.

This is a great opportunity for listening to and learning about each other. The place to start is talking about it, and this incident provides a natural springboard. My recommendation: Begin the conversation with a heartfelt apology and a desire to hear his perspective, and you should be on your way to a reasonable compromise and a new understanding of each other.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

parenting

Building Memories Is So Important as Kids Grow Up

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | April 13th, 2014

Q: What are some things I can do to make good memories for my kids and family?

Jim: Building memories as a family is important to create a sense of common identity and heritage. Accomplishing it, though, can be tough -- especially when the demands of the day-to-day grind leave you short on time and sapped of energy. Below are some simple ideas that have been successful memory builders for many families. Perhaps they'll work for yours.

-- Give the gift of time. Schedule one-on-one time with your kids. If you're running errands, take one of them along and talk and learn about what they find interesting. Make a special day of taking your child to work with you if your employer allows.

-- Make generous use of pen and paper. While your child is small and growing, journal thoughts, observations and events in their lives and give it to them when they're grown. Write letters to them for special occasions, when a milestone is reached, or when they've experienced success or disappointment. When your son or daughter is ready to leave the nest for college or another destination, write a special letter pronouncing your blessings and conveying your "release."

-- Plan vacations that center around the unique loves and interests of your clan. If funds or time are short, set up a tent and camp out in the backyard.

-- Make holidays special by starting new traditions or re-creating old ones.

-- On your child's 13th birthday, take the entire evening to celebrate the transition to adolescence. Consider commemorating the occasion with a meaningful gift.

But whatever you do, don't let the years pass without creating some memorable times that your children will cherish and perhaps pass on to their own kids someday. You'll be glad you did.

Q. We've agreed to let our 25-year-old daughter move back home with us. She's working a part-time job, but feels she needs to come back and "get her life together" before "moving on to the next step." We don't know what this means or how to navigate the process. Any advice?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: You're in good company. For many reasons, some understandable and others regrettable, the number of young adults living at home, or "boomerang kids," is at a record high. Whatever the circumstances, the goal for parents in this situation should be the same: to help their child realize emotional and material independence.

To start, it's important to honestly evaluate everyone's motives. Are you lonely? Needing someone who depends on you? Fearful of and avoiding the empty nest? Or do you want to encourage growth and maturity? Is your daughter a "perma-child," looking for someone to take care of her? Or is she striving to achieve goals that will lead to her independence?

Next, you'll want to discuss and agree on your terms. Some areas to cover are:

-- House Rules: If you don't approve of overnight guests, blaring stereos, profanity, drug use, etc., then clarify your standards up front.

-- Household Responsibilities: Some amount of rent should be required, even if it's below market. Making these payments will develop habits necessary for independence. The same is true for contributions in the form of chores.

-- Progress Indicators: Ongoing lodging privileges should be tied to evidence of moving forward. Is she searching for full-time work? Are school loans and debts being paid down? Is money being saved for future goals?

-- Length of Stay: A goal for finding her own place should be discussed and agreed on. The date needn't be set in stone, and can be re-evaluated based on circumstances and the progress being made.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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