Q I recently became a single parent when my husband left me and moved in with another woman. My children are confused because their dad has been lying to them about where he's living and the reasons for our separation. What should I tell them?

Jim: We're sorry to hear about this painful situation. While your desire to protect your kids' innocence is admirable, it's important to be honest with them about what's going on -- as honest and as forthright as you can be while taking their age and maturity into account.

Our counselors recommend that you sit down with your kids and, using age-appropriate language, tell them that Mommy and Daddy haven't been getting along, and that Daddy has made some bad choices that are hurting the family. Resist the temptation to badmouth your spouse -- you don't want to alienate him even further from the kids. If they ask about the other woman, give them a straightforward answer and explain that it makes you very sad that their father has moved in with her.

Most importantly, reassure them of your love and make it clear that you understand how painful this situation is for them. Encourage them to be open about their sadness and anger, but don't permit them to engage in aggressive or destructive behavior. Writing and journaling are good emotional outlets for older kids. Younger children sometimes find it helpful to express their feelings by drawing pictures.

Don't hesitate to contact our counselors here at Focus for insights specific to your situation. They will offer a free consultation, and can also refer you to a qualified professional in your area who can help you and your kids navigate this difficult time.

Q: Is living together before marriage a good test of marital compatibility? My boyfriend and I both come from broken homes, and want to make sure we don't end up divorced like our parents.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: There are many well-intentioned couples who believe that living together before marrying is a good way to find out whether they have what it takes to build a strong marriage. Intuitively speaking, it seems to make sense that a "test drive" will provide all the information needed to predict marital success or failure. Unfortunately, when stacked against the facts, the exact opposite is true. The best research indicates that couples who live together before marriage have a 50 percent higher divorce rate than those who don't. These couples also have higher rates of domestic violence and are more likely to become involved in sexual affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, there is a high probability that the man will abandon the relationship within two years, leaving a single mom to raise a fatherless child.

A far better alternative to the one you're considering is premarital counseling. The very best way to test your compatibility for marriage is to date for at least one year before engagement while participating in a structured counseling program that includes psychological testing.

Pre-marriage assessment tools, such as The Couple Checkup available through the Focus on the Family website, can also be helpful. This assessment is an in-depth set of questions that will identify the areas where you shine as a couple, as well as help you target spots that could use a little improvement.

For referrals to qualified Christian marriage and family counselors in your area, feel free to contact Focus on the Family's Counseling Services and Referrals department.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: When and how should we tell our child that she was adopted?

Jim: According to our counselors and the team who oversees our Focus on the Family adoption outreach and initiative, a child adopted at birth should be told about it from a very early age. This should happen almost as soon as they are capable of understanding language. And it should be a recurring theme in conversations with your child throughout the growing-up years.

Unfortunately, some parents avoid disclosing this to their child because it makes them uncomfortable. Then, later on, they're faced with having to tell an older child something they've been keeping secret. This can undermine the child's sense of security and may result in feelings of rejection or betrayal.

You'll want to share the facts using age-appropriate words and imagery. Her adoption should always be presented in a positive light. For example, a parent might tell a 2- or 3-year-old that mommy and daddy chose her over all the other children in the world. This will let her know how special she is.

When she is slightly older -- 4 or 5, maybe -- you can explain the difference between a biological parent and an adoptive parent. Explain that she has actually had two different mothers. Her first mommy took care of her when she was very, very tiny, inside of her tummy. Then, after she was born, you brought her home from the hospital to live with you because she was so extra-special. Please call our Focus counselors if we can be of help.

Q: How can I help my daughter, who is struggling with her racial identity? I'm white and my ex-husband is black. She struggles with issues of her "color" and I'm not sure how to help.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I'd encourage you to talk about race with your daughter. She needs to know it's OK to be herself, just exactly as she is, and you can help cultivate this attitude by being free and frank in your discussion of the subject.

It's particularly important to spend time listening and understanding her situation from her viewpoint. Ask open-ended questions like, "Tell me what you like or don't like about the way you look," or "Describe a time when you felt different from the other kids at school."

Also provide her with opportunities to interact with children and families of various ethnic backgrounds. This is vital in helping develop healthy attitudes toward race and ethnicity. You can also expose your daughter to media (books, videos, etc.) featuring multicultural characters and themes. This will supply her with positive role models of people who, like her, come from racially diverse backgrounds.

Just as important is teaching her about the many differences and likenesses that exist among human beings, and that race isn't the only distinguishing element. Point out that people all have similar needs and feelings, such as being loved and accepted. When she is able to grasp this, explain that, while she may look different from her peers, she is also very much like them.

Finally, don't shy away from discussing racism, but remember to talk about it in an age-appropriate way. She may not be able to grasp the complexities of slavery, but she does need to understand that some people strongly dislike others who are different from them, and may even treat them unkindly. She'll also need to learn how to respond to the comments or questions of others. Both children and adults can sometimes be rude with their remarks about race, but there are also many occasions when their words and behavior are simply the result of ignorance or curiosity.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: How can I tell if Facebook and social media are negatively impacting my marriage? I don't think this is the case at present, but I don't want to be taken by surprise either.

Jim: Even the best marriages can fall prey to subtle threats posed by social media, so you're wise to be on guard. If you're spending more time on Facebook than you are interacting with your spouse, or if online "relationships" are more satisfying than your marriage, this is a definite sign that something isn't right.

Secrecy in any form is another danger signal. Do you log off or minimize the Facebook window when your spouse walks into the room? If so, you need to ask yourself why. Transparency is the foundation of trust, and trust is essential to every successful marriage.

In connection with this last point, there are several other questions to ask yourself about your interactions with online friends, especially those of the opposite sex. Do your conversations include things that should be kept between you and your spouse? Do you find yourself daydreaming about any of these people? Do you look for excuses to visit them online? Do you share thoughts, feelings or problems with them that you don't reveal to your mate? Are you convinced that they understand you better than your spouse does? If so, there's a danger that these relationships may be crossing the line between the platonic and the romantic.

If you are seeing any of these red flags, I'd urge you to sit down with your spouse and take a very close look at your situation. It might be a good idea to do this with the assistance of a trained counselor. You can locate one by calling Focus on the Family.

Q: What can I do to help my spouse overcome his pornography addiction? He knows it's killing our marriage and has tried to stop, but it seems to be a losing battle.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Sadly, sexual addictions of all kinds have become widespread in contemporary society. It affects men and women from all walks of life. Because it is rooted in the basic human craving for relationship, sexual addiction is tenacious and progressive in nature. Porn is powerful because it offers a counterfeit form of intimacy and attachment.

It's important to keep this in mind, and to understand that your role is not to keep him accountable. You can pray for him, love him and ask what he needs from you, but you cannot control his behavior. Instead, it's critical that you begin to do what you can to care for your own heart, and find help for how his addiction has hurt and impacted you.

The good news is that effective help is available. We suggest that you begin by seeking professional counseling, and we highly recommend that you do this together. The most successful approach involves an initial program of intensive therapy, followed by regular and ongoing counseling sessions. Also key to recovery is identifying a trusted friend or group of people who will provide an environment of support and accountability. Focus on the Family can provide you with referrals to helpful programs of this kind.

In the meantime, you and your husband might consider installing some accountability software on your computer. Software programs of this kind aren't the ultimate answer to the serious and complex problems like those your spouse is facing, but they can play an important role in helping you keep tabs on the entire family's online activities.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.