Q: When and how should we tell our child that she was adopted?

Jim: According to our counselors and the team who oversees our Focus on the Family adoption outreach and initiative, a child adopted at birth should be told about it from a very early age. This should happen almost as soon as they are capable of understanding language. And it should be a recurring theme in conversations with your child throughout the growing-up years.

Unfortunately, some parents avoid disclosing this to their child because it makes them uncomfortable. Then, later on, they're faced with having to tell an older child something they've been keeping secret. This can undermine the child's sense of security and may result in feelings of rejection or betrayal.

You'll want to share the facts using age-appropriate words and imagery. Her adoption should always be presented in a positive light. For example, a parent might tell a 2- or 3-year-old that mommy and daddy chose her over all the other children in the world. This will let her know how special she is.

When she is slightly older -- 4 or 5, maybe -- you can explain the difference between a biological parent and an adoptive parent. Explain that she has actually had two different mothers. Her first mommy took care of her when she was very, very tiny, inside of her tummy. Then, after she was born, you brought her home from the hospital to live with you because she was so extra-special. Please call our Focus counselors if we can be of help.

Q: How can I help my daughter, who is struggling with her racial identity? I'm white and my ex-husband is black. She struggles with issues of her "color" and I'm not sure how to help.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I'd encourage you to talk about race with your daughter. She needs to know it's OK to be herself, just exactly as she is, and you can help cultivate this attitude by being free and frank in your discussion of the subject.

It's particularly important to spend time listening and understanding her situation from her viewpoint. Ask open-ended questions like, "Tell me what you like or don't like about the way you look," or "Describe a time when you felt different from the other kids at school."

Also provide her with opportunities to interact with children and families of various ethnic backgrounds. This is vital in helping develop healthy attitudes toward race and ethnicity. You can also expose your daughter to media (books, videos, etc.) featuring multicultural characters and themes. This will supply her with positive role models of people who, like her, come from racially diverse backgrounds.

Just as important is teaching her about the many differences and likenesses that exist among human beings, and that race isn't the only distinguishing element. Point out that people all have similar needs and feelings, such as being loved and accepted. When she is able to grasp this, explain that, while she may look different from her peers, she is also very much like them.

Finally, don't shy away from discussing racism, but remember to talk about it in an age-appropriate way. She may not be able to grasp the complexities of slavery, but she does need to understand that some people strongly dislike others who are different from them, and may even treat them unkindly. She'll also need to learn how to respond to the comments or questions of others. Both children and adults can sometimes be rude with their remarks about race, but there are also many occasions when their words and behavior are simply the result of ignorance or curiosity.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: How can I tell if Facebook and social media are negatively impacting my marriage? I don't think this is the case at present, but I don't want to be taken by surprise either.

Jim: Even the best marriages can fall prey to subtle threats posed by social media, so you're wise to be on guard. If you're spending more time on Facebook than you are interacting with your spouse, or if online "relationships" are more satisfying than your marriage, this is a definite sign that something isn't right.

Secrecy in any form is another danger signal. Do you log off or minimize the Facebook window when your spouse walks into the room? If so, you need to ask yourself why. Transparency is the foundation of trust, and trust is essential to every successful marriage.

In connection with this last point, there are several other questions to ask yourself about your interactions with online friends, especially those of the opposite sex. Do your conversations include things that should be kept between you and your spouse? Do you find yourself daydreaming about any of these people? Do you look for excuses to visit them online? Do you share thoughts, feelings or problems with them that you don't reveal to your mate? Are you convinced that they understand you better than your spouse does? If so, there's a danger that these relationships may be crossing the line between the platonic and the romantic.

If you are seeing any of these red flags, I'd urge you to sit down with your spouse and take a very close look at your situation. It might be a good idea to do this with the assistance of a trained counselor. You can locate one by calling Focus on the Family.

Q: What can I do to help my spouse overcome his pornography addiction? He knows it's killing our marriage and has tried to stop, but it seems to be a losing battle.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Sadly, sexual addictions of all kinds have become widespread in contemporary society. It affects men and women from all walks of life. Because it is rooted in the basic human craving for relationship, sexual addiction is tenacious and progressive in nature. Porn is powerful because it offers a counterfeit form of intimacy and attachment.

It's important to keep this in mind, and to understand that your role is not to keep him accountable. You can pray for him, love him and ask what he needs from you, but you cannot control his behavior. Instead, it's critical that you begin to do what you can to care for your own heart, and find help for how his addiction has hurt and impacted you.

The good news is that effective help is available. We suggest that you begin by seeking professional counseling, and we highly recommend that you do this together. The most successful approach involves an initial program of intensive therapy, followed by regular and ongoing counseling sessions. Also key to recovery is identifying a trusted friend or group of people who will provide an environment of support and accountability. Focus on the Family can provide you with referrals to helpful programs of this kind.

In the meantime, you and your husband might consider installing some accountability software on your computer. Software programs of this kind aren't the ultimate answer to the serious and complex problems like those your spouse is facing, but they can play an important role in helping you keep tabs on the entire family's online activities.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: Our good friends have an aggressive preschooler who is always kicking, hitting and hurting our kids whenever we visit. He likes playing with them, but he's too physical. Is there a way to put a stop to this without offending them?

Jim: I appreciate your feelings and the challenge you're facing. Although this situation is touchy, it could actually serve to deepen your friendship if everyone approaches it with thoughtfulness and in a spirit of supportive concern and humility.

There could be a number of reasons for this child's aggressive behavior. Since the parents are good friends, it wouldn't be inappropriate for you to suggest that they have their son evaluated by a mental health professional. If it turns out that this is simply a result of ineffective or inconsistent parenting, your friends will likely get some helpful instruction as part of the process.

In the meantime, you need to protect your children from harm. Sit down with your friends and explain that their friendship is important to you, but that your kids' safety needs to be your priority. Then ask them if they will agree to this plan: The next time your children visit, the parents should inform their son that if he is mean or acts aggressively in any way, his friends will have to go home.

Then, if he gets rough, his parents should remind him that hitting is not allowed and that your family is leaving. Leave immediately, even if their son protests or cries. Since he values playing with your children, it will probably take only a few incidents like this to put a serious dent in his negative behavior. If you and your friends are consistent and work together, the problem should eventually disappear.

Q: I recently discovered that my daughter has been cutting herself. I've tried to let her know how much this concerns me, but she's very sensitive and perceives this as criticism. Do you think we can work this out between ourselves, or is that a naive assumption?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I'm sorry to learn about your daughter's struggles. With great sensitivity, let me say yes, it's naive to assume you can handle this alone. Cutting is a serious problem, usually with complicated underlying causes. You should insist that your daughter get professional help. In fact, it would be best if counseling involved the entire family. Contact Focus on the Family for a referral.

In the meantime, it might help to understand what's going on in your daughter's mind. Cutting is often a response to overwhelming feelings of anxiety or depression. Cutters basically want control. If a teen is being abused or hurt by someone else, cutting may represent an attempt to "release" the pain through bleeding. She may also be trying to "drown it out" by incurring even more intense suffering upon herself. Cutting can also be a way of expressing anger -- by taking it out on herself, rather than running the risk of exposing it to others.

In every instance, cutting is a coping mechanism, a method of managing pain. The cutter can't be set free from this self-destructive habit until she finds a way to replace cutting with a healthy coping mechanism. Because of this, it's a mistake to interpret cutting as a suicide attempt. The cutter isn't trying to kill herself. Rather, she's groping for a way to get through life.

Finally, cutting can be addictive due to the endorphin rush that normally accompanies the body's self-healing process. For this and many other reasons, we urge you to solicit the help of a counselor. May God grant you wisdom during this difficult time.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.