Q: How can we parent effectively when so many of our friends and relatives have values that conflict with ours? This is especially tough when we're all together for the holidays.

Jim: Our counselors would encourage you to begin by making sure that everyone in your household is absolutely clear about the values, priorities and spiritual perspectives that define you as a family. Take the time to provide your children with easily understandable reasons for the rules you live by, and equip them to graciously, but confidently, articulate these principles themselves when asked.

Once this is done, you'll be better positioned to deal with these challenges when your kids spend time in homes where the standards and convictions differ from your own. If you run into conflicts, humbly tell the friends or relatives concerned that while you love them and respect their feelings, it's your responsibility to raise your children in the way you feel is right.

Naturally, you should try to understand the motivations behind their behavior. If it's obvious they're contradicting you out of pure spite or simple lack of concern, don't hesitate to limit future visits until things change.

But if it seems clear that they really love your children -- if, for instance, it's a case of doting grandparents who dole out too many sweets in an attempt to gain a place in their grandkids' affections -- then look for creative ways to defuse the situation by enlisting them as members of your "team." Explain that you're trying to raise your children according to a certain set of standards, and that you won't be able to succeed without their cooperation and assistance. They'll probably jump at the chance to help you out.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: The scenario you've described, though very common, can have many causes. Communication is a complex thing and is influenced by underlying emotions and learned behaviors.

For many of us men, much of our lives have been spent trading jabs and poking fun at other guys. It's often how we bond with each other. Unfortunately, we have to learn the hard way that it doesn't always have the same effect with the opposite sex.

It may also suggest that your husband's not comfortable having a serious conversation with you. This behavior is sometimes passed down through families who have a hard time expressing their feelings or dealing with difficult issues. The old proverb, "Many a truth is spoken in jest," may also apply here. Often a person may be upset with their spouse, but the only way he or she feels safe in expressing this is through hurtful humor.

Or it could be a problem of sensitivity -- either his lack thereof, or possibly your overactive sense. Both are obstacles to emotional intimacy and should be evaluated honestly. I'd start by looking at your relationships with mutual acquaintances other than your respective families. Does your husband routinely offend them? Do they see him as self-centered and unfeeling? Are you frequently hurt by others? Are you critical, or do you struggle with low self-esteem?

The goal here isn't to assign blame, but to gain an understanding of each other, which is the first step toward resolution. Since this typically works best with the help of a caring counselor, I'd encourage you to contact Focus on the Family for a referral to a qualified marriage therapist in your area. Call us at 855-771-HELP (4357). We're here and happy to help.

Q: Do you have any suggestions for how I can help a good friend whose husband just died? I'd like to support her in any way we can -- especially during the holidays.

Jim: What a grieving person often needs most is the presence of a thoughtful friend. One of the best things you can do is to listen and allow her to talk. If you want to express something, it's enough to say you care and that you're sorry. Explanations seldom console and advice is rarely helpful.

She may be angry as well as sad and needs to acknowledge, express and deal with these feelings. If it seems appropriate, don't be afraid to encourage a good cry. And be patient -- grief is a complicated process that can take a long time to work itself out. As you have opportunity, urge her to take care of herself by getting enough exercise, rest and recreation.

Practically speaking, you can make yourself available to help with daily chores and necessities. If you're running an errand, call and ask if there's anything you can pick up for her. If she has children, offer to baby-sit and go out of your way to give them special attention. Remember that they're grieving too.

Above all, don't avoid your friend. Write notes to her during especially difficult times, such as holidays and birthdays and anniversaries. You'll find that a phone call or an invitation to lunch could make her day. And if she needs a "family" for the holidays, ask her to join yours.

In the midst of all this, keep a watchful eye on your friend and make sure that she's working through her grief in a healthy way. Watch for negative warning signs like excessive sleeping or drug and alcohol abuse. If you think she needs grief counseling, don't hesitate to suggest it.

Q: Over the past few months, I've noticed that I interpret my husband's behavior in a much more negative light. Every little thing he does bothers me. Does familiarity really breed contempt?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: The assumptions we make about our spouse can determine the level of happiness we experience in marriage. When two people get frustrated with one another, but the issue is not dealt with, the tendency is for each person to develop his or her own conclusion about why the problem is happening. This is what is known as "negative beliefs." In other words, a husband or wife interprets the behavior of his or her spouse to be much more negative than the spouse intended. Whatever you believe about another person (positive or negative), you will find evidence of that belief in everything he or she says or does.

To fight negative thinking, it's important for couples to give each other the benefit of the doubt and to be aware of what their mates do that is positive and respond accordingly. Your spouse is already doing some positive things, but you may not be totally aware of them. Try to notice things your husband already does that please you. This will force you to break through the barriers that obstruct your vision of his good deeds.

I'm not advocating unrealistic, "Pollyanna" thinking. We can't sit around hoping that our mate will change truly negative behaviors. However, there can be great freedom in considering that your husband's motives, even in those things that annoy you, are more positive than you might have previously acknowledged.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: How can we enjoy Christmas when we have to spend so much money on presents? We're stressed over our finances all year, but it gets worse during the holidays.

Jim: I understand your frustration. This is a common complaint and real challenge for many families. With Black Friday officially in the rearview mirror, hopefully these timely tips from my friend, financial guru Ron Blue, will still be helpful in making this Christmas more enjoyable and less financially stressful:

-- Don't spend more than you have. When cash is short, it's tempting to put it on the credit card and defer payment until next year. But January always shows up, and with it months of financial pain if you don't shop wisely and exercise restraint.

-- Give something of lasting value. Who hasn't bought the "perfect" gift for a child, only to find it tossed aside by the end of Christmas Day? Discuss this with your kids, reinforce a long-range perspective, and explain that you want them to have gifts they'll enjoy for a long time.

-- Do something meaningful for someone else. Make a family project of doing a good deed for a neighbor, a shut-in or a relative. You can fix a meal, rake leaves, clean out gutters or give a "service coupon book" that they can redeem whenever they want to.

-- Focus on the spiritual, not material. Find fun and creative ways to counteract the commercialism of Christmas, and find creative ways to emphasize the spiritual significance of the day.

-- Build memories. Spend meaningful time together during the weeks leading up to Christmas. In the process, you'll be doing more than stockpiling family memories -- you'll be building a legacy for generations to come.

Q: How do I deal with my mother-in-law's favoritism? Just recently, when I invited her to spend Christmas with our family, she said she "would have to let me know" after finding out what was going on with her daughter's family. She's always given preference to my husband's sister and her family, and I don't know what to do.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I can empathize with your dilemma. It's quite possible your mother-in-law's behavior won't change, but that doesn't mean you always have to dance to her tune.

Sometime soon, it's important that your husband have a chat with his mom and dad. Simple honesty requires that they know how the two of you have been feeling. This may be tough for him, especially if he's not comfortable confronting his parents. But it's largely his responsibility to respectfully take this up with them.

Meanwhile, you need to set some firm boundaries with his folks. When discussing future holiday plans, the two of you should say something like this: "Mom, we'd really love to spend Thanksgiving with you this year. We need to have our plans in place and confirmed by the first of September, so can you let us know by then?"

If she can't commit because she doesn't know what her daughter will be doing, calmly say, "Just let us know by the first of September, or we'll need to make other plans." Then stick to your guns. If she doesn't respond by the deadline, go ahead and arrange something else. It's critical that you remain unavailable and that you not back down if she acts hurt or upset. Tell her you're sorry and that you'd love to get together with her soon. It shouldn't take her long to get the message.

If she leaves your family hanging at holiday time, she'll simply lose out on seeing you and your kids.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.