Q: Do you have any suggestions for how I can help a good friend whose husband just died? I'd like to support her in any way we can -- especially during the holidays.

Jim: What a grieving person often needs most is the presence of a thoughtful friend. One of the best things you can do is to listen and allow her to talk. If you want to express something, it's enough to say you care and that you're sorry. Explanations seldom console and advice is rarely helpful.

She may be angry as well as sad and needs to acknowledge, express and deal with these feelings. If it seems appropriate, don't be afraid to encourage a good cry. And be patient -- grief is a complicated process that can take a long time to work itself out. As you have opportunity, urge her to take care of herself by getting enough exercise, rest and recreation.

Practically speaking, you can make yourself available to help with daily chores and necessities. If you're running an errand, call and ask if there's anything you can pick up for her. If she has children, offer to baby-sit and go out of your way to give them special attention. Remember that they're grieving too.

Above all, don't avoid your friend. Write notes to her during especially difficult times, such as holidays and birthdays and anniversaries. You'll find that a phone call or an invitation to lunch could make her day. And if she needs a "family" for the holidays, ask her to join yours.

In the midst of all this, keep a watchful eye on your friend and make sure that she's working through her grief in a healthy way. Watch for negative warning signs like excessive sleeping or drug and alcohol abuse. If you think she needs grief counseling, don't hesitate to suggest it.

Q: Over the past few months, I've noticed that I interpret my husband's behavior in a much more negative light. Every little thing he does bothers me. Does familiarity really breed contempt?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: The assumptions we make about our spouse can determine the level of happiness we experience in marriage. When two people get frustrated with one another, but the issue is not dealt with, the tendency is for each person to develop his or her own conclusion about why the problem is happening. This is what is known as "negative beliefs." In other words, a husband or wife interprets the behavior of his or her spouse to be much more negative than the spouse intended. Whatever you believe about another person (positive or negative), you will find evidence of that belief in everything he or she says or does.

To fight negative thinking, it's important for couples to give each other the benefit of the doubt and to be aware of what their mates do that is positive and respond accordingly. Your spouse is already doing some positive things, but you may not be totally aware of them. Try to notice things your husband already does that please you. This will force you to break through the barriers that obstruct your vision of his good deeds.

I'm not advocating unrealistic, "Pollyanna" thinking. We can't sit around hoping that our mate will change truly negative behaviors. However, there can be great freedom in considering that your husband's motives, even in those things that annoy you, are more positive than you might have previously acknowledged.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: How can we enjoy Christmas when we have to spend so much money on presents? We're stressed over our finances all year, but it gets worse during the holidays.

Jim: I understand your frustration. This is a common complaint and real challenge for many families. With Black Friday officially in the rearview mirror, hopefully these timely tips from my friend, financial guru Ron Blue, will still be helpful in making this Christmas more enjoyable and less financially stressful:

-- Don't spend more than you have. When cash is short, it's tempting to put it on the credit card and defer payment until next year. But January always shows up, and with it months of financial pain if you don't shop wisely and exercise restraint.

-- Give something of lasting value. Who hasn't bought the "perfect" gift for a child, only to find it tossed aside by the end of Christmas Day? Discuss this with your kids, reinforce a long-range perspective, and explain that you want them to have gifts they'll enjoy for a long time.

-- Do something meaningful for someone else. Make a family project of doing a good deed for a neighbor, a shut-in or a relative. You can fix a meal, rake leaves, clean out gutters or give a "service coupon book" that they can redeem whenever they want to.

-- Focus on the spiritual, not material. Find fun and creative ways to counteract the commercialism of Christmas, and find creative ways to emphasize the spiritual significance of the day.

-- Build memories. Spend meaningful time together during the weeks leading up to Christmas. In the process, you'll be doing more than stockpiling family memories -- you'll be building a legacy for generations to come.

Q: How do I deal with my mother-in-law's favoritism? Just recently, when I invited her to spend Christmas with our family, she said she "would have to let me know" after finding out what was going on with her daughter's family. She's always given preference to my husband's sister and her family, and I don't know what to do.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I can empathize with your dilemma. It's quite possible your mother-in-law's behavior won't change, but that doesn't mean you always have to dance to her tune.

Sometime soon, it's important that your husband have a chat with his mom and dad. Simple honesty requires that they know how the two of you have been feeling. This may be tough for him, especially if he's not comfortable confronting his parents. But it's largely his responsibility to respectfully take this up with them.

Meanwhile, you need to set some firm boundaries with his folks. When discussing future holiday plans, the two of you should say something like this: "Mom, we'd really love to spend Thanksgiving with you this year. We need to have our plans in place and confirmed by the first of September, so can you let us know by then?"

If she can't commit because she doesn't know what her daughter will be doing, calmly say, "Just let us know by the first of September, or we'll need to make other plans." Then stick to your guns. If she doesn't respond by the deadline, go ahead and arrange something else. It's critical that you remain unavailable and that you not back down if she acts hurt or upset. Tell her you're sorry and that you'd love to get together with her soon. It shouldn't take her long to get the message.

If she leaves your family hanging at holiday time, she'll simply lose out on seeing you and your kids.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: My spouse doesn't get along with my parents and siblings. The situation has gotten so bad that he doesn't even want to travel to attend our annual Thanksgiving celebration at my parents' home. I'm tired of the tension and dissension. Can you suggest a solution?

Jim: All too often, family gatherings that are supposed to be filled with love and warmth end up turning into tense, uncomfortable confrontations. You may have resigned yourselves to the fact that things will never be hunky-dory between your husband and your family, but that doesn't mean you can't take steps that might lead to positive change.

First, you and your husband need to sit down together and discuss this problem rationally. It's vital that the two of you come to a meeting of the minds over this issue. Interactions with extended family are an important and inevitable part of every marriage. This is a fact that you're going to have to face together. Don't let it create a wedge between the two of you.

Perhaps it would be possible to work out a compromise. For example, consider the option of skipping certain big family gatherings every other year. This Thanksgiving, could you tell your family that, while you appreciate the invitation, you and your husband have decided to spend a quiet holiday with your immediate family? This may remove some of the stress and tension and make it easier for your husband to face the family gathering next year.

You might also go ahead with your Thanksgiving plans, but arrange to stay at a local hotel rather than in your parents' home. If things become absolutely unbearable for you or your spouse, you can politely excuse yourselves and take refuge in the tranquility of your hotel room.

Again, the most important thing is that you and your husband agree on the course of action. Short of a miraculous breakthrough in your husband's relationship with his in-laws (although that's certainly something to hope and pray for!), these are some practical steps you can take to minimize the holiday stress.

Q: How can we teach our daughter good problem solving skills? Whenever she encounters a challenge, such as putting together Legos, she quickly abandons it and runs to us for help.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries:

Teaching kids to problem solve begins with parents modeling AND verbalizing how to solve common problems. Modeling alone is not sufficient. We must explain the process we used to arrive at the solution. Instead of simply having your daughter watch you fix something around the house (or put together Legos), verbally walk her through the steps.

Also, parents should praise their kids when they attempt to solve problems. I had a rotation in a children's therapeutic treatment center during my doctoral internship and residency. One of the treatment goals was to foster better problem solving skills. Any time we noticed a child working on a project, we would say, "Nice problem solving. I like how you ..." We always encouraged their attempts and explained what they had done that was positive.

It's important to find the balance between encouraging your kids to ask for help and simply solving the problem for them. One of the greatest gifts we can give our children is to teach them to ask questions -- but then allow them to wrestle with the solution. If we immediately solve all of their problems for them, they won't learn how to think through the problem solving steps.

Finally, take advantage of teachable times when your children make mistakes. You can use this opportunity to probe ways they could have handled the situation differently to get more positive results.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.