Q: How do I handle conflicts with my ex-husband over parenting styles? I'm a firm believer in structure and discipline. But that goes out the window every time the kids spend a weekend with my ex, who cares nothing for rules or guidelines. What can I do about this?

Jim: Conflicts of this kind are usually the result of nonexistent communication. You may be divorced, but if you care about your kids, you owe it to them to be on the same page.

How do you find common ground? Try to be as positive and friendly as possible, and resist the temptation to criticize or blame. Don't put your ex-husband down in front of the children. Begin by affirming the good things he's doing with the kids. From there you can move on to questions like, "How do you think we can do a better job? What do our kids need most from both of us at this point? What are we doing right and what needs to change?"

If you handle it right, a conversation like this can bring out areas of mutual agreement between you and your ex. It will reveal those rules, standards and values that you share in common and that can be made to apply in both homes. By building on this foundation, you can begin to make real progress toward a genuine meeting of the minds.

And while it might seem counterintuitive, you might consider seeing a counselor with your ex-husband. An objective third party can steer you away from anger, accusation and other negative forms of communication. Later on, you can ask the counselor to sit down with you and your kids to talk about relationships, assumptions and expectations.

Q: Sometimes my wife and I talk about sensitive issues while out on a date. We seem to be so busy that the only time we can discuss our problems or concerns is when we're alone. Is this a good idea?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: First of all, I want to commend you and your wife for going out on dates in the first place! For many married couples, dating falls by the wayside once children, careers and other responsibilities enter the picture. Their relationships can suffer as a result.

For this reason, I'd encourage you to do whatever it takes to protect your dates from conflict and overly "serious" discussion. Conflict can be destructive to your recreation because it intensifies emotions. As this happens, it becomes difficult to relax and enjoy each other. The conflict becomes like a red shirt in a load of white laundry -- it tends to color the entire experience. If this pattern occurs too often, your mate may lose the desire to do fun things because your dates end up turning "pink."

This isn't about avoidance, of course. You do need to set aside time to discuss the serious issues; just don't call it a "date night." It might require staying up a little later after the kids are in bed, or even getting up early once in a while. Schedule the conversation when you can provide the necessary attention it deserves.

It's worth noting that I haven't always taken my own advice on this issue. I remember scheduling a day at Disneyland with my wife, Erin, but before we even reached the park, I brought up a sensitive issue in the car that resulted in arguing and tears. Needless to say, our date was ruined. You can read all the gory details in our book, "Take the Date Night Challenge." It's full of conflict-free dating ideas for couples in your shoes!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: Our daughter's first semester away at college was an academic disaster. We haven't seen evidence of any other troubling behaviors, so we're not quite sure what to think. Should we threaten to withdraw funding for college?

Jim: Sending a child off to college can be an emotionally difficult event for a family, and when the initial result is disappointing, it's hard not to feel upset. Even the best of students often experience a drop-off in grades during their first year in college. The world of the university is very different from that of high school, and a freshman typically undergoes a certain amount of culture shock. She has to learn her way around a new and confusing campus, and adapt to a strange schedule that involves a great deal more time working outside of class than sitting in a lecture hall.

In your daughter's case, she has to adjust to a new living situation and being responsible for her own eating, sleeping and study habits. It also involves processing a whole host of new friends and acquaintances. On top of everything else, she may suffer from homesickness. Once she's navigated this, she has to find time and energy to devote to physics, English, geography, French and chemistry. It's not an easy assignment.

You should certainly retain the option to defund her education if things don't improve. But for now, I'd encourage you to find out what's going on, what she needs from you, and what will help ease the adjustment process. It's possible that she's longing for some reassurance from you. She may be desperate to know that you have confidence in her and are willing to stand by and support her during this challenging transition. I have a feeling that specific answers will emerge out of your relationship with your daughter. So don't jump to conclusions. Instead, take the time you need to talk things through.

Q: My wife and I are constantly getting in power struggles. How can we get beyond this?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Why do power struggles cause us such trouble? It's simple. In every power struggle, couples see themselves as adversaries. This can be as subtle as insisting on "making a point." The problem is, even if one member of the pair "wins" the point, it means an automatic loss for the relationship. If one person in the marriage "loses," then both persons in the marriage lose. There is no such thing as a win/lose scenario in marriage.

I encourage you to make a commitment to a new way of doing things and to abandon the failed, old model. This begins by establishing what my colleague, Bob Paul, calls a "No Losers Policy." In a No Losers Policy, couples agree that it will never be acceptable, from this point on, for either of them to walk away from any interaction feeling as if they had lost. Each spouse has to feel good about the solution.

Creating a No Losers Policy goes a long way toward creating the kind of relationships that yield joy and satisfaction rather than grief and frustration. It's worked for my wife, Erin, and I, and it can work equally well for you, regardless of the type of relationship in which you apply it. Although it takes some work, we have yet to be unable to find a win/win solution when addressing a decision or issue.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: What's the best way to handle grandparents who play favorites? My parents are partial to our oldest child, and our youngest child has noticed and is beginning to ask questions.

Jim: Your first priority is to affirm and reassure your youngest. Let your child know that you've seen signs of favoritism as well. Avoid blaming the grandparents, but make it clear that this is an issue that needs attention.

Hopefully you can address it by means of a good-natured, non-defensive discussion with your parents. Begin by telling them how much you appreciate their interest and involvement in your kids' lives, and point out some positive contributions they've made to your children's upbringing.

Once you've set the right tone, explain your concerns. Let them know that while you're certain that they've always acted from the best of intentions, some of their words and actions have nevertheless been hurtful to your youngest child. Ask them to help you find a way to counteract this unintended effect.

They may deny the charge of favoritism, in which case you should thank them for listening and let the matter drop. It's possible that after a period of sober reflection they'll come to see the sense of your words and quietly make the necessary changes.

If, however, they react in anger, there may be deeper boundary issues below the surface. If so, you may want to invite them to discuss the problem with you in the presence of an objective third party -- a good friend, a disinterested relative, a pastor or even a qualified family therapist.

Finally, in extreme cases where grandparents refuse to cooperate, it may be necessary for you to limit the amount of time they spend with your children -- at least until they begin to take some positive steps in the right direction.

Q: How can I, as a father, counteract the influence of our self-centered culture and teach my kids to be grateful?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: A famous philosopher once said, "Gratitude is the mother of all virtues." If that's true, then you're doing your kids a huge favor by looking to cultivate this attitude in them. Here are three suggestions:

-- First, point out the sacrifice and positive contributions that others make in our society: the fireman or police officer who risks his life to protect us; the public official who diligently serves to better our community; missionaries who leave the comforts of our country to help the poor and needy. And so on.

-- Second, model thanking others for what they do. Let your kids hear you telling your wife what a wonderful meal she cooked. Let them hear you thank the motorist who lets you in front. I'll never forget the morning my father had me wait with him so we could thank our garbage collector. I was about 10 years old when he explained that garbage collecting was a demanding profession. He said, "Greg, do you think anyone ever thanks them for their hard work?" You should have seen the look on their faces when a father and his young son stood in the cold of the early morning to say thanks and to shake their hands.

-- Third, teach your children to give back. Gratitude and appreciation is encouraged when your kids make a charitable gift with their own money. As a family, find a volunteer activity you can do together. Take presents to an underprivileged family during Christmas.

By taking these three steps, you will be cultivating in your children one of the best things you can give them: a thankful heart.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.