parenting

Human Trafficking a Dark Part of Contemporary Culture

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | September 8th, 2013

Q: I've never kept tight controls on my teenagers. I don't enforce strict curfews or get uptight when they come in late at night. But recently, I read an article about sexual slavery and human trafficking in our community, and it left me deeply unsettled. Am I overreacting?

Jim: Human trafficking is a terrible reality that impacts not only the developing world, but middle-class neighborhoods right here in the U.S. So yes, you need to be aware of this dark underside of contemporary culture.

At the same time, alarmist fears are helpful to no one. You don't want to scare your kids unnecessarily. Nor is it wise to convey an attitude of suspicion or distrust to your teens without good cause. Statistically, they face far greater danger from simply riding in an automobile every day than they do from the possibility of trafficking.

You know your kids best, and you're in the best position to determine whether they might be vulnerable to this kind of deception and victimization. Are they troubled in any way? Do they struggle in school? Are they slipping academically, dealing with social rejection or facing bully problems? Are they new in the neighborhood, unpopular with their classmates, insecure or low on self-esteem? If so, their innate desire for some kind of human connection could make them easy targets.

The best way to prevent this is to make sure you're building strong relationships with your kids. The family should be their primary point of connection. You can protect them against all kinds of negative outside influences by forging a bond of mutual trust. Make it clear that they can always come to you with their needs, problems and concerns.

While your first responsibility is to your own kids, it's also important for everyone to do their part to ensure their communities are safe. Keep your radar up for signs of suspicious activity in your community. If, at any point, you come across evidence that your children or anyone else you know have become caught up in human trafficking, contact local authorities or call the National Human Trafficking Hotline at 888-373-7888.

Q: My wife has "given up drinking" several times only to end up back on the bottle. She's lost her job, our household is showing signs of neglect, and the whole family is slowly going to pieces. What can I do to reverse this negative trend?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: We're very sorry to learn about this painful situation. One thing is for certain: You can't navigate it alone. Your wife, especially, needs to enlist outside help to combat her addiction.

The Lighthouse Network is a clearinghouse for substance abuse referrals. People there can help you locate a facility in your area that will help your wife take some positive steps toward recovery. They can also provide information regarding the insurance companies that are prepared to work with these facilities. You can contact Lighthouse Network at 1-877-562-2565.

Another option for long-term treatment of alcoholism is the Salvation Army. This service is offered free of charge. Visit www.salvationarmyusa.org for information regarding local treatment centers. You can also find out about local Alcoholics Anonymous groups at www.aa.org.

Finally, you should think about enlisting the help of a qualified professional, not only to help your wife, but to help your entire family navigate these difficult waters. Contact Focus on the Family (focusonthefamily.com) for a free consultation with one of our staff counselors, as well as a referral to long-term counseling in your area. God bless you and your family as you go through this dark time together.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

parenting

Grown Son Still Learning Responsibility Under Parents' Roof

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | September 1st, 2013

Q: Our son graduated from high school last spring and is still living at home. Should we still have a curfew for him as long as he is living under our roof, or should we just ask that he always tell us where he's going?

Jim: You didn't mention any of the specific reasons for your son living at home. Is he considering college? Is he pursuing gainful employment? These are important questions to consider.

Whatever the case, there comes a time in every child's life when he or she crosses the threshold into adulthood. Once this line is crossed, the parent-child relationship changes in some basic ways. Your child is then on the road to becoming your peer and equal rather than a dependent minor. He will be graduating into a position of self-responsibility, and his personal decisions have to be something more than a matter of simple submission to Mom and Dad's instructions. He will have to choose to act on the basis of the wisdom you've attempted to instill in him over the years and out of an awareness of his personal responsibility.

With that in mind, imposing a curfew on your son at this point might short-circuit the maturation process. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a few ground rules while he's living under your roof. Sit down with your son and let him know that he is welcome to go on living in your house, but that as an adult he will need to start assuming more adult responsibilities. This includes responsibility for personal expenses, laundry and cleaning, transportation, phone and Internet. It's also reasonable to ask that he make a weekly contribution to the grocery budget and even pay a reasonable amount of rent. All of these things will help launch him into the world of adult responsibilities.

Q: I have two stepsons and I love them, but I'm having a really hard time connecting with them. I know it's really hard for them to see their mom with someone other than their dad. Is there something I can do to build our relationships?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: The joining of two families can be challenging, but it's not impossible. Here are a few things you might consider as you work to connect with your stepsons.

First and foremost, keep in mind that it's easy for an enthusiastic stepparent to come on too strong in expressing his or her excitement about the new family. This can be confusing -- even threatening -- to a child, triggering a nasty response. At such times, the stepparent needs to relax, step back, and let the relationship develop at the child's pace. If you want to forge a deeper bond with your stepsons, you're going to have to find ways to operate at their comfort levels. If you sense bitterness or resentment, don't force the issue. Just make it clear that you're ready to listen when they're able to express their emotions.

If the challenges persist, don't hesitate to enlist professional help. This isn't a sign of defeat. Rather, it's a way of demonstrating your commitment to investing in the health and vitality of your blended family. Call Focus on the Family for a free consultation with a member of our counseling team, as well as a referral to a qualified professional in your area. You should also seek out a book called "The Smart Step-Family" by Ron L. Deal, and also visit the author's website at www.smartstepfamilies.com.

Finally, remember that you're not alone! Every stepparent has to navigate these waters. If you're persistent, I'm confident that your efforts will eventually bear fruit.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

parenting

New Parents Feel Overwhelmed by Too Much Childcare Advice

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | August 25th, 2013

Q: As first-time parents, we've been overwhelmed by all the advice we've received from people. Though they are well-meaning, I feel like telling them to mind their own business. Is that wrong?

Jim: It wasn't long ago that I was asking this same question. What I eventually learned is that most veteran parents who share their hard-won wisdom are simply trying to help. They've already raised their own kids, and don't see why you shouldn't benefit from the invaluable knowledge they've acquired through trial and error. So try to be gracious when they offer their tips and helpful hints. For the most part, they're acting out of genuine concern and are on your side.

Of course, there are some whose motives are different -- individuals who take pleasure in boosting their own sense of superiority by pointing out your mistakes and telling you the "right way" to parent your child. Dealing with these folks is frustrating.

When responding to them, you might try saying something like this: "Thank you so much for your helpful advice. We will certainly consider it." This phrase can be particularly useful if the unwanted counsel is coming from a close relative such as a parent or an in-law. Remember to say it with a smile.

Another technique is to thank them and let them know that you are basing your parenting methods on your moral values, along with the advice of respected child-development experts. One place to find that expert advice is Focus on the Family's "Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care," an extensive volume written by 26 family physicians and pediatricians associated with our Physicians Resource Council. You can order a copy by giving us a call at 1-800-A-FAMILY or by visiting our online store (focusonthefamily.com).

Q: I'm extremely frustrated with the growing toxicity of the entertainment media, but short of moving to the Sahara Desert, I can't completely shield my children from all of it. What should I do?

Bob Waliszewski, director of Plugged In: The answer to this increasingly common dilemma lies in teaching them discernment -- not imposing isolation. By taking this approach, you'll be teaching your kids to think for themselves and equipping them to make smart choices long after they've left your nest. These ideas may be of help:

Establish guidelines for your family. Although entertainment decisions can fall into a bit of a gray area, establish a family standard for making media decisions. Our family did so -- not because we needed more rules, but because we didn't want to leave the concept of making wise choices to mere chance.

Rely on credible sources for entertainment review. Check out potential media choices before your kids make them. Focus on the Family's Plugged In Online (www.pluggedin.com) provides balanced, trustworthy reviews of what's hot in the media.

Model wise choices. One of the surest ways to derail your child's media discernment is to behave hypocritically. Your words won't be effective if you say one thing and do another.

When you can't tune it out, try teaching. When your family encounters offensive media content, turn the incident into a "teachable moment." Discuss what's wrong with the message it conveys and use the opportunity to reinforce the principles of discernment.

Keep open communication lines. Talk often about the media with your kids. When you have to say "no" to certain entertainment, help them find positive alternatives. Adopt a policy of accountability that allows all family members to read each other's texts, tweets, social media posts, emails, web history, etc. Intentionality is the best way to turn your home into a place where good habits of media discernment are caught as well as taught.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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