Q: As a single mother whose kids are approaching puberty, I'm becoming acutely aware of their need for positive male role models. Where can I go to find this kind of input?

Jim: You're right -- this is extremely important! I've been where your kids are now. My father was an alcoholic who abandoned the family when I was very young.

One of the best places you can look for male input is your own extended family. Do your kids have a good relationship with your father? If you believe he's a positive role model, ask your dad if he'd be willing to spend time with them. If he lives nearby, you could arrange for them to spend one weekend a month at their grandparents' house. If grandpa lives far away, send them for an extended stay during school vacations.

Another good resource is your church. Ask the pastor if there's a trustworthy older couple in the congregation who might be willing to act as "surrogate grandparents" for your family.

Other options could include a trusted schoolteacher or coach. You'll need to screen them to ensure they're reputable and that their values align with yours, of course. I had a football coach in high school (my mom had succumbed to cancer years earlier) who took me under his wing and welcomed me into his family. It changed my life!

Q: My son is 17 and has been dating a girl from school for the last year. She is very negative and not a good influence on him. If I say anything, he gets defensive and tells us that he loves her and that is all that matters. I don't want to push him away, but I would like for him to find someone more encouraging. I could use some advice.

Leon Wirth, executive director of Parenting and Youth: This is a tough dilemma for many parents. My heart goes out to you!

It's obvious that your concern is for your son's well-being. You love him and you want what is best for him. But is this the message he hears when the subject of his girlfriend comes up? Or does he feel like you're simply attacking her -- and, by extension, him and his choices? It's true that many teens become combative despite their parents' best efforts to broach a controversial subject peacefully. But to the extent you're able, make sure he knows that your concerns are motivated by your love for him, and not out of a desire to control his life.

My colleague, Dr. Greg Smalley, and his father, Dr. Gary Smalley, surveyed 5,000 parents about what they considered to be "fair fighting" between parents and teens. Here are the top 10 answers that emerged from their survey:

-- Listen for understanding.

-- Avoid yelling, verbal threats or abuse.

-- Maintain an honoring, respectful and loving atmosphere.

-- No name-calling.

-- Use open communication.

-- Don't bring in past "garbage."

-- Keep the focus off the person's character.

-- No violence.

-- Avoid accusatory language (e.g., "You never ... You always ...").

-- Make sure only one person talks at a time.

That's a pretty good list. You might want to write it down, so the next time this issue arises, make sure that you, your husband and your son all abide by these rules. Remember, too, that your son, like most men, desires respect (which is not the same as agreement) as he assumes more maturity and independence. He'll be more likely to listen if he has the assurance that you respect him, and that you are clearly hearing -- and understanding -- what he's saying.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: I'm 19 years old and living with my parents while I attend college close to home. They're having a really hard time in their marriage. I'm trying to be supportive to both of them, but they try to put me in the middle of their arguments. If I don't take a side, then they are angry with me. I feel helpless. How can I help them see how it is affecting me?

Jim: My heart goes out to you. We often hear of the wounds a troubled marriage can inflict on young children, but your experience shows that it can happen to adults as well.

Author Sandi Greene has written about the pain she experienced as a result of her parents' divorce. I'm not suggesting your own parents are destined for divorce, but I think you'll find Sandi's advice helpful.

First, she recommends that you not become isolated. Do you have close friends nearby, or classmates, or a pastor to whom you can talk about your frustrations? Don't endure this situation alone.

Second, don't allow yourself to believe that the problems your parents are experiencing are your fault. You didn't cause them, and it's not your responsibility to fix them.

Third, don't be drawn into taking sides. You can't play referee, and you can't be expected to pit one parent against the other. When they try to draw you into the melee, walk away.

Finally, forgive your parents to the extent possible. It's wrong for them to manipulate you in this way, but try to understand that by drawing you into their arguments, they're attempting to deal with their own pain in an inappropriate manner.

Finally, talk openly and honestly with your parents about the pain this situation has caused. Urge them, as lovingly as possible, to seek counseling. This will help them work through their issues with an objective third party, and relieve you of the burden of trying to be their mediator.

Q: I just found out my wife has been having an emotional affair over the Internet. I'm devastated. She's having a hard time letting this other man go. I want to place some boundaries on her external relationships and gain trust again. How can we rebuild our marriage?

Dr. Greg Smalley, executive director of marriage and family formation: I'm sorry to hear about this painful situation. Certainly, your wife needs to decide whether she'll commit to you or continue contact with this other man. But until she makes that decision, you need to take care of yourself. Your real fight is to keep your heart open to her. And to do this, you need the support of close friends, a pastor or a counselor. You need to talk about your pain and emotions. These are not "gripe" sessions. Talking with trusted confidants will help you keep your heart open and think through your decisions.

Once own support network is in place, you'll be prepared to ask your wife a direct question: "Are you or are you not willing to work with me to save this marriage?" If she's willing, she has only one choice: to cut off all contact with the other man.

As you grapple with the fallout, make every effort not to give in to the extremes of "all my fault" or "all your fault" thinking. Don't insist on knowing why your wife has been having an affair. Instead, ensure that she's willing to start over.

Most importantly, you and your wife need to seek out an experienced counselor. Contact Focus on the Family for a free consultation with a licensed counselor, as well as a referral to a qualified professional in your area.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: My husband and I recently married. We both have children from previous marriages. It's hard to be fair and consistent in how we treat all of them. Do you have any ideas on how we can build strong relationships among all of us?

Jim: Congratulations on your marriage! Blending two families can be tough, but it's not impossible.

Ron L. Deal, an expert on blended families, has identified three positive relationship stages that you and your husband should consider:

1) The baby sitter role. Baby sitters have power to manage children only if parents give them power. Your husband should make it clear to his kids that he has granted you the power to manage them, and you should do the same with your kids. For a while, you will simultaneously be the primary parent to your own kids and the "baby sitter" to your husband's. But this arrangement will not work if you have one set of rules for his kids and another for yours.

2) The "uncle/aunt" role. An uncle or aunt is not a full-fledged parent, but carries authority as an extended family member. Stepparents can gradually gain respect that allows children to accept them as extended family members.

3) The "parent" or stepparent role. Eventually, as trust is built, some stepparents gain "parental" status with some children. Younger kids tend to grant stepparents parental status more quickly than adolescents.

For more, read Ron L. Deal's book "The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family" (Bethany House Publishers, 2006). It's essential reading for families in your situation.

Q: My son responds to discipline in a defiant manner. We have come up with clear consequences for certain behaviors. Even though he knows the consequences, when we apply the discipline (e.g., wash the dishes for a week) his anger gets out of control. Do you have any suggestions on how to help him respectfully respond when he has made the choice to disobey?

Leon Wirth, executive director of Parenting and Youth: The main issue here is not your son's disobedience (you've already established reasonable consequences for that), but his angry and inappropriate outbursts when those consequences are enforced.

Author Shana Schutte suggests that parents not wait until their child becomes too angry to deal with the problem. Think about the last time you were really angry. Was it easy to reason with you? More than likely, the problem was resolved after you had a chance to cool off. In the same way, wait until your son is calm before addressing his anger. In addition, author Lynne Thompson suggests the following:

-- Show respect. Don't participate by calling names or getting physical.

-- Give your child words to express his anger. Say, "I know you are disappointed (or sad, or frustrated)."

-- Set positive limits. Instead of saying, "Don't you throw that toy," say, "After you put the toy on the table, we can talk about this."

-- Avoid power struggles. If your goal is to control, you will teach him to control others.

-- Provide a cooling-off period by reading a book together or going on a walk. Then calmly discuss what happened and make a plan for next time.

-- Finally, help your son find clarity about what is driving his anger. Is it the consequences? Is it guilt about getting caught in certain behaviors? He needs to learn what's in his heart that's driving his anger, not just focus on the surface of his angry actions.

Your son's outbursts might simply represent an attempt on his part to avoid the consequences (e.g., washing the dishes) of his original infraction. Even as you employ techniques to help diffuse his anger, make sure he follows through on washing those dishes!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.