parenting

Teens Browse Internet on Devices With No Filtering Software

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 27th, 2013

Q: We are the parents of two teens and we have Internet filters for our home computers. My concern is that our teenagers are now using iPods to access the Internet. Is there anything we can do to protect them from the things they should not be accessing on these types of devices?

Jim: With technology advancing so rapidly, it's tough to keep tabs on your kids' online activity. And you're right -- most kids consume online content through their mobile devices now. The idea of using the home computer to go online is so 2005!

Focus on the Family has partnered with Net Nanny to provide Internet filtering options for parents. In addition to offering filtering software for Windows and Mac users, Net Nanny offers filtering software for Android devices, including the Kindle Fire. Filtering software for iOS devices (such as the iPhone, iPad, iPod Touch, etc.) is currently in development, as well. For more information, go to www.focusonthefamily.com/netnanny. You can also find additional information on our Family Safety Resources page at www.focusonthefamily.com/safety. Best wishes to you as you endeavor to keep your kids safe on the digital frontier!

Q: We just found out that our 10-year-old daughter has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. She started taking medication after being evaluated by her doctor. I have noticed she is more focused on her work and is doing better in school, but her attitude is more negative and she isn't as happy as before. How can we help her have a more positive attitude and be happier?

Leon Wirth, executive director of Parenting and Youth: It's possible that her mood swings are the result of the medication. If the behavior continues, you should consult with your doctor and ask whether your daughter's prescription might be the issue and what the best course of action would be.

There are also some practical steps you can take to help your daughter deal with the emotional challenges of her ADHD. Here are a few, adapted from Dr. Domeena C. Renshaw's book "The Hyperactive Child:"

-- Be consistent in rules and discipline.

-- Keep your own voice quiet and slow. Anger is normal. Anger can be controlled. Anger does not mean you do not love your child.

-- Try to keep your emotions cool by bracing for expected turmoil. Recognize and respond to any positive behavior, however small.

-- Avoid using ceaselessly negative words like "stop," "don't" and "no."

-- Do one thing at a time. Multiple stimuli will prevent her from focusing on her primary task.

-- If angry outbursts are a problem, learn to read her pre-explosive warning signals. Quietly intervene to avoid explosions by distracting her or discussing the conflict calmly.

-- Share your successful tips with her teacher. Strategies for helping your hyperactive child are as important to her as diet and insulin are to a diabetic child.

As you have undoubtedly discovered, successful management of ADHD involves a range of options. So first and foremost, after the diagnosis, you must have education. People living with ADHD are usually greatly relieved to learn that they have an identifiable, treatable condition. They are gratified (as are their parents) to learn that they've done nothing wrong. This condition is not caused; you are born with it. It's part of your design and makeup.

For additional guidance, you may want to contact Children and Adults With Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, or CHADD (www.chadd.org), an organization that provides a wealth of evidence-based and trustworthy information for families in your situation. Also, you may want to look for two books: "The Hyperactive Child" by Renshaw (mentioned above) and "Why A.D.H.D. Doesn't Mean Disaster" by Dennis Swanberg, Diane Passno and Walter L. Larimore, M.D. (Both are out of print, but should be easily found on the secondary market.)

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

parenting

Returning Vet May Need Professional Intervention

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 20th, 2013

Q: We have a friend who just returned home from Afghanistan. He's finding it very hard to transition to life at home again. How can we help him?

Jim: It can be incredibly difficult for service members to transition from deployment back to the home front. Your concern for his well-being is admirable.

Author Erin Prater has written extensively about the challenges service members face after deployment. According to her, normal reactions during the first six to eight weeks after a soldier's return can include irregular sleeping patterns, anger, appetite and weight change, susceptibility to illness, frustration, fatigue, restlessness, hypervigilance, insecurity, anxiety, crying spells, memory lapses, inability to trust, flashbacks and more.

Prater suggests that service members' spouses can help them through this process by encouraging them to get ample healthy food, rest and exercise, find time for hobbies, avoid the use of illegal substances or excessive alcohol, spend time with friends and family, and if necessary, seek professional help.

You didn't mention whether your friend is married, but to the extent you're able, you can play a role in helping him readjust, too. Be willing to spend time with him in a quiet setting, without pressuring him to talk about his experiences unless it is his desire to do so. Yet give him openings and permission to do so if he wishes. Talking things out can be very helpful.

Finally, Prater says that if these symptoms extend beyond eight weeks, or if they're accompanied by suicidal thoughts, violent behavior and so on, medical and psychiatric intervention may be necessary. Watch for the warning signs, and be willing to come alongside your friend in the same way you would reach out to anyone who has experienced trauma.

Q: My wife and I have been married for 30 years, but we are struggling. We've been under a lot of stress over the last year due to finances, and I've been unable to find a job. What can I do to show her that I love her and want to make our marriage work? I feel like she has given up hope in our relationship and situation.

Dr. Greg Smalley, executive director of marriage and family formation: I'm sorry to learn of your predicament. As you've discovered, unemployment can present formidable challenges to your marriage.

When it comes to finding gainful employment, it may be time for drastic measures. Even if you find a job that seems menial and unfulfilling, it might be necessary to take it for the time being. Also, consider the possibility of relocating. If you have to move, you can look at it as a fresh start and an opportunity for you and your wife to nurture your relationship away from the demands of family and friends.

Indeed, the damage to your marital relationship is of even more pressing concern than your unemployment. You may not feel like it, but go out of your way to have fun and keep things "light" -- it's crucial to keep up your morale while waiting for circumstances to improve. A cheerful, positive attitude will go a long way in a situation like this.

Also, although you may not feel like your finances can handle it right now, I urge you and your wife to seek counseling. You can start with a free consultation with a member of our counseling team here at Focus on the Family, who will also be able to refer you to a qualified professional in your area. Losing a job is hard, but don't let it rob you of the gift of your marriage. If you and your wife are to weather this storm, you need to be on the same team.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

parenting

Don't Let Cold Weather Keep Your Family Indoors All Winter

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 13th, 2013

Q: Can you recommend some fun family outings? Spring is a long way off, and in the middle of winter it's hard to find things to do as a family to stay connected.

Jim: For the Daly family, it's all about finding the balance between staying indoors -- which can quickly result in "cabin fever," especially with two energetic boys -- and venturing out into the Colorado cold. We try to find room for both in our winter routine.

There's certainly nothing wrong with finding activities at home, especially when the temperatures get really frigid. Try playing some board games or card games, or even creating a "family Olympics" competition on the Wii or another electronic console. You might also enjoy cooking a meal together as a family. Let your kids plan the menu, or try out some new recipes. My wife has been known to bake a batch of fresh bread or some other goodies for the neighbors, and then send the boys and me out to deliver them door-to-door.

Of course, kids are kinetic by nature, and at some point they're going to get tired of being cooped up inside the house. That's when it might be time to grit your teeth, put on your long underwear and brave a trip to the zoo. Or perhaps you can just have a snowball fight in the back yard. Look for hiking trails and other natural environments near you. Even if you often visit these places in the summer, you'll be amazed at how different they can look when the leaves are gone and there's snow on the ground.

And if you're really feeling adventurous, try some typically warm weather activities -- biking, throwing the Frisbee, even swimming! The possibilities are limited only by your imagination. Attempting some "out of the ordinary" winter activities is a great way for your family to build memories.

Q: Our teenage son is addicted to a specific electronic game. We're at a loss on how to help him. Do you have any advice or recommendations for us?

Leon Wirth, executive director of Parenting and Youth: Many people consider addiction to be related exclusively to substances like drugs or alcohol, but in reality it can involve anything that is mind- or mood-altering to the point that a person is willing to neglect friends, family and even physical health in order to pursue it. There is now abundant evidence that electronic games have the potential to elicit this kind of addictive behavior.

Here at Focus on the Family, we've been receiving an increasing number of calls about computer and video game addiction over the past several years. This has become a serious problem.

Since it can be difficult to address the complex issue of addiction on your own, we'd strongly recommend that you enlist the help of a licensed counselor. Contact Focus on the Family for a free consultation, as well as referrals to qualified professionals in your area.

As your son works with a counselor on issues related to his addiction, there are also some general steps you can take to prevent further harm in the long-term. These include: 1) setting time limits; 2) making sure your son completes all chores and homework before game play; 3) being aware of the content of the games your son is playing; 4) modeling good viewing/gaming habits yourself; 5) suspending play if your son is having difficulty with self-control; 6) monitoring your son's attitudes and behavior outside of gaming time; and 7) helping him develop interests and hobbies outside of video games.

May God bless you as you walk with your son and help him break the cycle of addiction.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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