parenting

Don't Let Cold Weather Keep Your Family Indoors All Winter

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 13th, 2013

Q: Can you recommend some fun family outings? Spring is a long way off, and in the middle of winter it's hard to find things to do as a family to stay connected.

Jim: For the Daly family, it's all about finding the balance between staying indoors -- which can quickly result in "cabin fever," especially with two energetic boys -- and venturing out into the Colorado cold. We try to find room for both in our winter routine.

There's certainly nothing wrong with finding activities at home, especially when the temperatures get really frigid. Try playing some board games or card games, or even creating a "family Olympics" competition on the Wii or another electronic console. You might also enjoy cooking a meal together as a family. Let your kids plan the menu, or try out some new recipes. My wife has been known to bake a batch of fresh bread or some other goodies for the neighbors, and then send the boys and me out to deliver them door-to-door.

Of course, kids are kinetic by nature, and at some point they're going to get tired of being cooped up inside the house. That's when it might be time to grit your teeth, put on your long underwear and brave a trip to the zoo. Or perhaps you can just have a snowball fight in the back yard. Look for hiking trails and other natural environments near you. Even if you often visit these places in the summer, you'll be amazed at how different they can look when the leaves are gone and there's snow on the ground.

And if you're really feeling adventurous, try some typically warm weather activities -- biking, throwing the Frisbee, even swimming! The possibilities are limited only by your imagination. Attempting some "out of the ordinary" winter activities is a great way for your family to build memories.

Q: Our teenage son is addicted to a specific electronic game. We're at a loss on how to help him. Do you have any advice or recommendations for us?

Leon Wirth, executive director of Parenting and Youth: Many people consider addiction to be related exclusively to substances like drugs or alcohol, but in reality it can involve anything that is mind- or mood-altering to the point that a person is willing to neglect friends, family and even physical health in order to pursue it. There is now abundant evidence that electronic games have the potential to elicit this kind of addictive behavior.

Here at Focus on the Family, we've been receiving an increasing number of calls about computer and video game addiction over the past several years. This has become a serious problem.

Since it can be difficult to address the complex issue of addiction on your own, we'd strongly recommend that you enlist the help of a licensed counselor. Contact Focus on the Family for a free consultation, as well as referrals to qualified professionals in your area.

As your son works with a counselor on issues related to his addiction, there are also some general steps you can take to prevent further harm in the long-term. These include: 1) setting time limits; 2) making sure your son completes all chores and homework before game play; 3) being aware of the content of the games your son is playing; 4) modeling good viewing/gaming habits yourself; 5) suspending play if your son is having difficulty with self-control; 6) monitoring your son's attitudes and behavior outside of gaming time; and 7) helping him develop interests and hobbies outside of video games.

May God bless you as you walk with your son and help him break the cycle of addiction.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

parenting

Grandparents Want to Help Grandkids After Parents' Divorce

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | January 6th, 2013

Q: As a grandparent, is there anything I can do to help our grandchildren cope with the divorce of their parents? It has been devastating to them.

Jim: We're sorry to learn of this difficult situation. At the same time, your desire to help your grandchildren through this tough period is encouraging. Knowing how to best help them depends on a number of factors, including their age, your proximity to them and so on. But here are some general principles that you may find helpful.

According to Dr. Archibald D. Hart, author of "Helping Children Survive Divorce" (Thomas Nelson, 1997), the impact of divorce typically varies by age. Kids aged 5 to 8 most often regress in their behavior. They also tend to feel responsibility for the divorce and may demonstrate an irrational fear of abandonment. For these reasons, many experts feel this is the most critical age for children to experience divorce, because they're old enough to understand what's happening but not old enough to adequately process it.

This is where you, as a grandparent, can make a positive impact. Assuming you're able to spend one-on-one time with them, you can help them process the anger they may be feeling, as well as help them grapple with false guilt. Even if your grandkids are older and aren't experiencing these specific problems, you can be a friend and confidante for them. Your home can be a place of refuge, an opportunity to regain a sense of "normalcy."

For more, track down a copy of Dr. Hart's book, or contact Focus on the Family for a free consultation with one of our licensed family counselors. May God bless you as you reach out to your grandkids!

Q: I am getting ready to marry for the second time. The man I am engaged to wants a prenuptial agreement. I want to believe this time I will be married forever and don't understand why he wants this. What are your thoughts on prenuptials before getting married?

Dr. Greg Smalley, executive director of marriage and family formation: Much depends on your fiance's reasons for wanting a prenuptial agreement. We often read of celebrities who sign prenuptial agreements filled with outlandish demands and strange stipulations designed to give one partner the "upper hand" over the other.

But is it possible to believe that marriage truly is a lifelong, permanent commitment, and yet still desire a prenuptial agreement? Absolutely. There may be legitimate issues -- including inheritance or trust funds for children from a previous marriage, or protection from debts incurred prior to the marriage -- that need to be addressed. This doesn't mean the couple is not committed for life. It is simply a prudent attempt to avoid financial and legal headaches in the future, particularly where extended family is involved.

Only you and your fiance can know where he stands on this spectrum. He may have legitimate grounds for desiring a prenuptial agreement, or he may be dealing with issues from his past that prevent him from fully trusting you and committing to the relationship, in which case a legal document will do nothing to solve the problem.

Either way, let me urge you in the strongest terms possible to enroll in premarital counseling. This is essential for any couple considering marriage, but it's absolutely imperative for couples in your situation who have been divorced. The prenuptial agreement is not the primary concern here. It is ensuring that you are both ready to fully commit to and trust one another. Contact Focus on the Family for a free consultation with a licensed counselor, as well as a referral to a qualified professional in your area who can help you work through these issues together.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

parenting

Parents Must Help Daughter Achieve Healthy Self Image

Focus on the Family by by Jim Daly
by Jim Daly
Focus on the Family | December 30th, 2012

Q: I need some advice on how to approach my teen daughter regarding the negative messages in teen magazines. I don't know where to start. Everything seems geared toward physical beauty. Do you have some ideas?

Jim: You have your work cut out for you! Our media culture tends to judge everyone -- but especially women -- based solely on their appearance. This mentality can wreak havoc on young girls when it comes to their self-esteem, body image and so on. Ironically, women's magazines are among the worst offenders. Even relatively conservative publications airbrush the images on their covers.

According to author Vicki Courtney ("BeTween: A Preteen Girl's Guide to Life"), little girls naturally want to be told they're pretty. If we don't tell them at all, they could end up having an unhealthy craving for male attention later on.

Hopefully, your daughter received this type of affirmation growing up. Now that she has reached the teen years, it's important to emphasize virtue and character over appearance. When she's exposed to negative stereotypes in teen publications, help her understand that those images of models who appear to have found the fountain of youth are not real. Most have been prepped by hair and makeup artists, Botox, plastic surgery -- and then airbrushed after the photos are taken.

It's up to you to help her distinguish between fact and fiction, illusion and reality. With a little guidance and a lot of love, you can diffuse our culture's negative messages about femininity, and help your daughter develop a healthy self-image.

Q: Our teenage son is a fan of horror movies. I watched one with him on DVD recently and, frankly, I was stunned by the violence. It's not like the campy horror films I remember. What should I do?

Jim: Bob Waliszewski, director of Plugged In, is Focus on the Family's resident media expert. Here's his take.

Bob: You have good reason to be concerned. Your son may believe that a steady diet of horror movies won't affect him. But the fact remains that our minds are shaped, for good or ill, by the stuff we pour into them.

This may seem rather intuitive, but I can't stress it enough: You need to help your son develop wisdom and discernment as he grows and matures. The best way to accomplish this is by providing reasonable guidelines while maintaining a close, warm, trusting relationship with him.

Sit down with your son and explain that research shows that violent media can lead toward violent behavior, and at the very least, aggressive attitudes. Praise him for his love of cinema (there are some truly great films out there!), but don't hesitate to let him know that dark, occultic, violent material will likely have a negative impact on his outlook and character.

Also, be sure to remind him that the reason you have to say "no" to certain types of entertainment is because you love him -- not because you're trying to spoil his fun. One of the ways you express your love is by doing your best to protect him from harmful influences. You wouldn't let him eat an E. coli-contaminated hamburger, so why would you let him consume "E. coli"-laced films?

Once you've explained your general perspective, you can proceed to let him know -- gently, but firmly -- that certain types of films will no longer be allowed. If you want him to respect your decisions in this regard, you'll have to convince him that you've done your research. A good place to start would be the movie reviews posted at www.pluggedin.com. Plugged In also offers plenty of positive alternatives -- movies that will encourage, build up and inspire -- something that all of us desire.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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