Q: I often hear about the importance of boosting a child's self-esteem. But how can I accomplish that with my son without making him self-absorbed or self-centered?

Jim: Instilling a sense of self-esteem in children is a critical task for parents. And you're right -- there's a big difference between healthy self-esteem and destructive selfishness. Like you, many moms and dads find themselves asking how to find the right balance.

Dr. Kevin Leman, a frequent Focus on the Family broadcast guest, suggests that parents can cultivate healthy self-esteem in their kids by learning "the A-B-Cs."

The letter A stands for acceptance. We might not always approve of our children's choices or behavior, but we always need to let them know that we love and accept them unconditionally. In other words, you can tell your son that playing video games for six hours a day is unacceptable. But don't give him the impression that he is therefore unacceptable.

The letter B stands for belonging. We can give our kids a sense of belonging by creating a sense of community within the family. It's important that we give our sons and daughters a voice in family decisions when appropriate, that we listen to what they have to say, and that we support them in their activities.

Finally, the letter C stands for competence. We can give our children the gift of competence by allowing them to experience life firsthand. This means we need to avoid being overprotective. And we should fight the urge to do for our kids what they can do for themselves. Even when they make mistakes, they'll be gaining life experience that will boost their sense of self-worth in the long run.

Acceptance, belonging, and confidence ... if we can instill these A-B-Cs in our kids' hearts and minds, we'll be setting them on the road to healthy self-esteem.

Q: Every now and then, my 5-year-old daughter cries (usually when she doesn't get her way) and says things like, "Nobody loves me!" My family has a history of depression and I wonder if my daughter's behavior is normal, or if it is a sign that she is depressed.

Juli: You are wise to be sensitive to signs of depression in your daughter. However, the behavior you are describing sounds like a normal 5-year-old reaction. Children are not as sophisticated in muting their feelings as we are as adults. That's why they are so much fun to be with! Within a 10-minute span, they can experience elation and devastation, feel love and hatred, and think you are both the best mom and the worst mom in the world.

Even so, a 5-year-old can be depressed, and it's good to know what to look for. If your daughter were depressed, her feelings would be less situational. In other words, she would be down, expressing sad feelings even when good things are happening around her. You might also notice changes in appetite and sleep patterns. Depressed children sometimes withdraw, get panicky and lose interest in things they used to enjoy. If you consistently notice these symptoms in your daughter, seek help from a professional counselor or her pediatrician.

You also want to be careful not to overreact when your daughter displays negative emotions throughout the normal course of daily life. If you go overboard with consolation and comfort when she makes statements like, "Nobody loves me!" you may reinforce that behavior. She needs a steady supply of love and affection from you, not just when she is showing negative emotion.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My daughter is in elementary school and is extremely shy. So shy that it is affecting her schoolwork and friendships. What can we do to bring her out of this shell?

Juli: Unfortunately, many kids struggle with shyness. According to Dr. Jerome Kagan, a professor of psychology at Harvard University, about 10 to 15 percent of kids in elementary school are very shy. For some, their shyness is a manifestation of a reserved personality trait. For others, shyness is a symptom of anxiety. The fact that your daughter's grades and friendships are being impacted suggests that she is probably in the latter category.

One of the best ways to combat anxiety is to make the world a more predictable place. You can help your daughter with this by role-playing everyday situations like what to do when you meet someone new or when someone teases you at school. You can also work with her teacher and other school staff to make social interactions at school more predictable.

School can be an overwhelming experience for a young child. Your daughter may begin to develop more self-confidence in social situations by interacting with smaller groups of children outside the school setting. Start by inviting over a potential friend for a play date. It is even better if the friend is a classmate so that the relationship carries over into the classroom environment. You may even want to ask your daughter's teacher for recommendations of what kids in the class would be a good fit for a friend.

If you find that these interventions are not making a difference, it is time to seek help from a qualified professional. Most schools have on-staff counselors who are skilled at handling anxiety-related behavior. Your school or your daughter's pediatrician may also be able to refer you to an expert in your area.

Q: The other day I heard my junior high-aged son and his friend laughing about a classmate who passed out by sniffing an air freshener. I wanted to ask them about it, but I thought they were probably just making up stories. Surely they were joking about this?

Jim: Sadly, this has become an all-too-real phenomenon. Even as illegal drugs continue to plague youth culture, some of the most harmful substances to your kids might be sitting right under your own roof.

In 2010, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration released a study about an increasingly popular youth pastime known as "huffing." This, as you may have surmised from your son's conversation, is when kids attempt to get high by inhaling common household products such as shoe polish, glue and, yes, air fresheners. It sounds absurd, but research shows that more 12-year-olds have used household products to get high than marijuana, cocaine and hallucinogens combined. This is a very real problem.

The use of inhalants can cause a child's heart rate to increase dramatically. In some cases, the end result is cardiac arrest and sudden death. Even for kids who try huffing only once, the risk of serious injury or death is considerable.

I'm not suggesting that you lock up all of your household products. But your son needs to know that this is no laughing matter. As you talk to him about the pitfalls of alcohol abuse and illegal drugs like marijuana, be sure to let him know that "huffing" is a dangerous -- and potentially deadly -- pursuit as well. Help him make smart decisions and stand up to peer pressure. Your active presence in his life is the strongest defense he has against the dead-end road of drug and alcohol abuse.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My teenage daughter was not asked to the homecoming dance, and she's heartbroken. How can I convince her that it's not the end of the world?

Jim: For better or worse, many teens infuse high school dances with a sense of importance rivaling that of a state dinner (albeit a state dinner characterized by loud music and a lack of decorum!). Those of us on the other side of adolescence look back on the homecoming dance as a fun but essentially inconsequential diversion. But for your daughter and her peers, this is a monumental event.

We'd encourage you to avoid making a fuss over your daughter's disappointment either way. Trying to convince her that this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things is a fool's errand. At the same time, don't empathize with her too much or do anything else that might prolong her sense of melancholy.

The bigger issue here is your daughter's sense of self-worth. The emotions she's experiencing are real. She wants to feel accepted by her peers, not like an outcast. Give her time to be sad and withdrawn, and if she wants to talk about it, listen with an open heart. Reaffirm her as a person and reinforce the importance of character as opposed to mere popularity. When the night of the dance arrives, help her avoid wallowing in her misery. If she has any other dateless friends, perhaps you could host a slumber party for them. Or make it a "family date night" at a destination of her choosing.

With some patience and sensitivity, you can help your daughter weather this storm. Once the dance is over and the homecoming hype dies down, she'll feel like her old self again.

Q: I grew up with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Halloween. We went trick-or-treating every year. But my husband was raised in a family where none of this was approved of. In fact, he and his parents aren't really comfortable with imaginary characters like fairies, dragons, magic, etc. I would like our young children (ages 3 and 1) to be able to enjoy these things in a healthy way -- but my husband and I are having trouble finding common ground on this issue. Do you have any recommendations for us?

Juli: Although it is normal for us to parent based on traditions and biases that we were raised with, I would encourage you and your husband to move beyond family traditions and start talking about family convictions. The real issue is what do you and your husband believe and value as a new family unit? Why is it important for you that your kids enjoy these holidays, and what are your husband's reservations? Once you get beyond talking about what you did growing up and start talking about values and convictions, you are much more likely to find common ground.

For example, you may value the fun and excitement of children dressing up for Halloween. Your husband may object to the satanic overtones often involved with dressing like a witch, ghost or magical creature. Perhaps you decide to honor both convictions by going to a harvest party or church celebration during the Halloween season, where kids dress up and get candy, but without the baggage that comes with traditional trick-or-treating.

While you each may have to compromise on family traditions from the past, be intentional about honoring each other's convictions.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)