Q: My daughter is in elementary school and is extremely shy. So shy that it is affecting her schoolwork and friendships. What can we do to bring her out of this shell?

Juli: Unfortunately, many kids struggle with shyness. According to Dr. Jerome Kagan, a professor of psychology at Harvard University, about 10 to 15 percent of kids in elementary school are very shy. For some, their shyness is a manifestation of a reserved personality trait. For others, shyness is a symptom of anxiety. The fact that your daughter's grades and friendships are being impacted suggests that she is probably in the latter category.

One of the best ways to combat anxiety is to make the world a more predictable place. You can help your daughter with this by role-playing everyday situations like what to do when you meet someone new or when someone teases you at school. You can also work with her teacher and other school staff to make social interactions at school more predictable.

School can be an overwhelming experience for a young child. Your daughter may begin to develop more self-confidence in social situations by interacting with smaller groups of children outside the school setting. Start by inviting over a potential friend for a play date. It is even better if the friend is a classmate so that the relationship carries over into the classroom environment. You may even want to ask your daughter's teacher for recommendations of what kids in the class would be a good fit for a friend.

If you find that these interventions are not making a difference, it is time to seek help from a qualified professional. Most schools have on-staff counselors who are skilled at handling anxiety-related behavior. Your school or your daughter's pediatrician may also be able to refer you to an expert in your area.

Q: The other day I heard my junior high-aged son and his friend laughing about a classmate who passed out by sniffing an air freshener. I wanted to ask them about it, but I thought they were probably just making up stories. Surely they were joking about this?

Jim: Sadly, this has become an all-too-real phenomenon. Even as illegal drugs continue to plague youth culture, some of the most harmful substances to your kids might be sitting right under your own roof.

In 2010, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration released a study about an increasingly popular youth pastime known as "huffing." This, as you may have surmised from your son's conversation, is when kids attempt to get high by inhaling common household products such as shoe polish, glue and, yes, air fresheners. It sounds absurd, but research shows that more 12-year-olds have used household products to get high than marijuana, cocaine and hallucinogens combined. This is a very real problem.

The use of inhalants can cause a child's heart rate to increase dramatically. In some cases, the end result is cardiac arrest and sudden death. Even for kids who try huffing only once, the risk of serious injury or death is considerable.

I'm not suggesting that you lock up all of your household products. But your son needs to know that this is no laughing matter. As you talk to him about the pitfalls of alcohol abuse and illegal drugs like marijuana, be sure to let him know that "huffing" is a dangerous -- and potentially deadly -- pursuit as well. Help him make smart decisions and stand up to peer pressure. Your active presence in his life is the strongest defense he has against the dead-end road of drug and alcohol abuse.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My teenage daughter was not asked to the homecoming dance, and she's heartbroken. How can I convince her that it's not the end of the world?

Jim: For better or worse, many teens infuse high school dances with a sense of importance rivaling that of a state dinner (albeit a state dinner characterized by loud music and a lack of decorum!). Those of us on the other side of adolescence look back on the homecoming dance as a fun but essentially inconsequential diversion. But for your daughter and her peers, this is a monumental event.

We'd encourage you to avoid making a fuss over your daughter's disappointment either way. Trying to convince her that this isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things is a fool's errand. At the same time, don't empathize with her too much or do anything else that might prolong her sense of melancholy.

The bigger issue here is your daughter's sense of self-worth. The emotions she's experiencing are real. She wants to feel accepted by her peers, not like an outcast. Give her time to be sad and withdrawn, and if she wants to talk about it, listen with an open heart. Reaffirm her as a person and reinforce the importance of character as opposed to mere popularity. When the night of the dance arrives, help her avoid wallowing in her misery. If she has any other dateless friends, perhaps you could host a slumber party for them. Or make it a "family date night" at a destination of her choosing.

With some patience and sensitivity, you can help your daughter weather this storm. Once the dance is over and the homecoming hype dies down, she'll feel like her old self again.

Q: I grew up with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and Halloween. We went trick-or-treating every year. But my husband was raised in a family where none of this was approved of. In fact, he and his parents aren't really comfortable with imaginary characters like fairies, dragons, magic, etc. I would like our young children (ages 3 and 1) to be able to enjoy these things in a healthy way -- but my husband and I are having trouble finding common ground on this issue. Do you have any recommendations for us?

Juli: Although it is normal for us to parent based on traditions and biases that we were raised with, I would encourage you and your husband to move beyond family traditions and start talking about family convictions. The real issue is what do you and your husband believe and value as a new family unit? Why is it important for you that your kids enjoy these holidays, and what are your husband's reservations? Once you get beyond talking about what you did growing up and start talking about values and convictions, you are much more likely to find common ground.

For example, you may value the fun and excitement of children dressing up for Halloween. Your husband may object to the satanic overtones often involved with dressing like a witch, ghost or magical creature. Perhaps you decide to honor both convictions by going to a harvest party or church celebration during the Halloween season, where kids dress up and get candy, but without the baggage that comes with traditional trick-or-treating.

While you each may have to compromise on family traditions from the past, be intentional about honoring each other's convictions.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: I have just entered into a relationship with a man whom I really love and care for. I have one small but nagging concern about our relationship -- I'm 22 years old and he's almost 40. Is this a problem? Will it be a problem in the future?

Jim: There's nothing inherently wrong with such an arrangement, but there are certainly some things you should consider before going too deep into the relationship.

The first has to do with the basic difference in your life experiences. You're barely beyond college-age; he's approaching midlife and has already spent considerable time in the adult world pursuing a career and having romantic relationships. Under normal circumstances, he will have achieved a greater degree of maturity than you have at this stage in your life. Now, I'm not accusing you of being "immature." And it's quite possible that he's young at heart. But you should honestly consider whether the difference in your levels of life experience will impact your relationship before forging ahead.

In addition, some young women are attracted to older men because they're really looking for a father figure. The men recognize this and end up manipulating or controlling their younger girlfriends. Take a personal inventory and consider whether you view your boyfriend as a peer and partner, or if you're seeking an unmet father-need in your life. If it's the latter, you should put a halt to the relationship in fairness to you both.

I know plenty of happily married couples who have significant age differences between them. But you do need to take these things into account before moving forward.

Q: When I got engaged last week, I got a hostile reaction from my parents, especially my mom. She believes we're "too young," even though we're both in our mid-20s! I'm wondering if this is because of the "empty nest" syndrome -- my mom and I have always been close, and I'm the last of her children to leave the home. We've always been a tight-knit family and this crisis really concerns me. What should I do?

Juli: Even though, in your mind, parents should greet an engagement with a lot of enthusiasm, it's fairly normal for them to have some anxiety, and even hostility. You've already touched on the idea that it will be difficult for your mom to let you go. Your marriage means a huge transition, not only in your relationship with her, but in her own life. Give her time to adjust to the idea of losing you.

Having said that, your parents may also have legitimate concerns about your engagement. Often they can see something that you can't. For example, they may observe that your fiance is controlling or rude. If they're hitting on something that could be true, validate the concern. You could say, "I can see what you're saying. That's why we are going through premarital counseling." This mature attitude will assure your parents that you're going into marriage with your eyes wide open and that you're aware of possible red flags. If your parents continue to harp on the same concerns, remind them that you've already talked about that and considered their advice.

Also, be careful not to put your fiance in the middle of the drama with your parents. Emotions are probably running high on all sides. Don't make decisions or statements that could do lasting damage to the long-term relationships. Your parents will likely come around to supporting your engagement and marriage. In the meantime, reaffirm your love for them, acknowledging that this is a tough time for them.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)