Q: My husband and I have three kids from his previous marriage and two from mine. He favors his kids and he accuses me of favoring mine. We fight about it a lot. Please help!

Juli: Playing favorites among children can be an issue in any family, but it's especially difficult in blended families. It's unrealistic to think that you'll have the same feelings of affection and connection with stepchildren as you do with your biological children, particularly early in the "blending" process.

To the extent that you and your husband are divided on this issue, the problem will grow worse. You'll begin to view his children as causing division and he'll feel the same way about yours. It's critical that you begin to work as a team, learning to love and understand all the children. Sometimes a forced role reversal can help. For example, you might focus on praising his children and he focus on praising yours.

Your feelings do not have to determine your behavior. You may feel more connected to your kids, but that doesn't mean you're destined to act out those feelings through favoritism. Part of maturity is learning to act on principle rather than always responding to emotion. It might be helpful for you and your husband to write out principles that you want to guide your parenting. For example, "Every child in our family is worthy of love," or, "Every child in our family deserves to be heard and understood."

Working through the complications of step-parenting takes a lot of effort and determination. But the results will be worth it. For more tips on how to blend your families together, visit www.smartstepfamilies.com.

Q: My wife and I sent our last child off to college this fall. I'm worried that we won't be able to reconnect now that the kids are out of the house. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: You've invested many years together as partners in parenting. But it's probably been a while since you and your wife have been able to relate to each another as best friends. Author Alyson Weasley has developed a list of 10 suggestions to help make this happen.

1) Recognize that friendship takes a lot of work -- and time. Even without the kids at home, you'll still lead busy lives. Establish a few hours each week to spend quality time together.

2) Find out what your spouse is passionate about, whether it's theater or sports or gardening. Then join her in it, even if it's not your cup of tea.

3) Find some things that you and your spouse both enjoy, as well.

4) Use conflict to sharpen and purify your friendship. Honest disagreement is essential for healthy communication.

5) Care for one another. You'd put an arm around a childhood friend during tough times. Do the same for your spouse!

6) Be accountable and honest about your own hang-ups and struggles. Don't hide them from your spouse.

7) Establish daily habits together. Pray or take a walk. Just a few minutes of uninterrupted time with the one you love can work wonders.

8) Affirm one another every day. Make an effort to highlight your spouse's strengths.

9) Be transparent. If you're feeling angry or sad or depressed, don't be afraid to say so.

10) Communicate, communicate, communicate! Relationship experts agree that regular communication between spouses can build a friendship that weathers the storms of life.

Maintaining marital friendship takes a lot of work, but it's worth the effort. It will help you and your wife develop deeper intimacy as you move into the "empty nest" years.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: We recently discovered that our teenage son is using drugs. In fact, it looks like he's in the throes of a full-blown addiction. How can we help him?

Jim: I'm sorry to learn of your son's addiction. In dealing with situations of this nature, Focus on the Family's counseling team recommends keeping the following principles in mind: First, don't deny or ignore the problem. If you do, it's likely to get worse. Second, don't succumb to false guilt. Most parents assume a great deal of self-blame when an addiction surfaces in their home. Third, don't expect quick-fix solutions. Remember that there will be no complete healing until your son learns to assume responsibility for his own actions. This could be a long process.

We suggest that you seek professional counseling for your son, and we highly recommend that you do this together as a family. The most successful treatment programs take a family-systems approach that involves intensive evaluation and a series of counseling sessions offered in an environment of community and accountability. Contact Focus on the Family for referrals to programs of this nature, or a list of qualified therapists in your area who specialize in treating drug addiction.

During this process, you may need to present your son with a number of options, including entering an inpatient drug-treatment center, a halfway house, a boot-camp program or youth home, or staying with a relative who is willing to accept him for a defined period of time. More extreme possibilities may include making your child a ward of the court or even turning him over to the police if he has been involved in criminal activity. If you shield him from the consequences of his behavior or bail him out when his drug abuse gets him into trouble, he will not be motivated to change.

May God guide you as you endeavor to walk with your son on the road to healing!

Q: My 14-year-old daughter spends hours and hours in her room. When she comes home from school, I ask her questions about her day, but she just gives one-word answers. How do I connect with her without badgering her?

Juli: First of all, your experience is pretty common. Many affectionate, chatty 10-year-olds turn into reclusive teens with no apparent explanation, other than hormones and peer pressure.

As you are realizing, you can't connect with your daughter in the same ways that you used to. However, that doesn't mean that she no longer needs you. In fact, teens are desperate to know their parents' unconditional love and support. Here are a few ways you can stay connected to your daughter through the changes of adolescence.

Let her know that you are always there to talk, and then back up that promise. Be available when she is ready to talk. A time will come when your daughter will need to talk, cry and even ask for your advice. Most likely, it will be at an inconvenient time for you (like at 2 a.m. or in the middle of the workday). Drop everything and just be there for her.

Spend time with your daughter without asking somewhat complicated questions like, "How are you doing?" Driving her to activities, shopping together or just listening to her music tells her that you are invested and interested.

Find ways to show that you care about her and you love her. That might be placing a note on her pillow that says, "I love you," or putting a special little gift in her backpack every now and then.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: I've been dating the same guy for a year, and he's wonderful. We're not ready to get married yet, but we're talking about moving in together. My very traditional parents don't approve. What do you think?

Jim: Listen to your parents, and don't move in together until after you've tied the knot. This isn't about being "old fashioned." Social science research indicates that couples who live together prior to marriage are much more likely to get divorced than those who don't. You and your boyfriend might think that moving in together will help you build a stronger foundation for marriage later. But you'll actually be increasing your chances of ending up in divorce court.

This all has to do with the concept of commitment, which is essential to any marriage. The two of you may be very much in love, but the plain truth is that nothing is set in stone. There is no engagement, no ring, no public profession of your lifelong love. Without these things in place, your living together will mimic marriage in some respects, but it will lack that critical element of commitment.

Generally speaking, men tend to take relationships less seriously -- and view them as temporary -- when marriage vows are not involved. All too often, the woman in a cohabiting relationship ends up getting hurt when the man moves out and moves on. Professor George Akerlof of the University of California, Berkeley put it this way: "Men settle down when they get married. If they fail to get married, they fail to settle down."

Maybe this is true of your boyfriend, and maybe not. The point is that you both need to continue dating and decide whether you'll ever be ready to get married to one another. If and when that happens, you'll have the rest of your lives to spend together under the same roof.

Q: But we're already committed to each other. Is living together really a "death sentence" for the relationship?

Juli: An increasingly common form of "family" in the United States today is a man and woman living together without a wedding ring. So, you are certainly not alone in your consideration of living with your boyfriend as a step toward or even around marriage. In fact, over 50 percent of marriages today are preceded by cohabitation.

But remember that just because something is common, doesn't mean it's the best for you. An awful lot of people have cancer, too!

Jim hit the nail on the head here: When you really think about it, cohabitation is giving guys intimacy on their terms. Throughout history, women have naturally longed for the security of a consistent, committed relationship in which to make a home and raise children. Men have been more prone to seek companionship and sexual fulfillment without the responsibilities and limitations that come with marriage. By moving in with your boyfriend, you are taking away any incentive he may have to grow up and make a lifelong commitment to you.

Don't buy the line that living together before marriage will be a good trial run. As Jim noted, cohabiting couples are much more likely to end up divorced. They're also more likely to experience depression, poverty, infidelity and domestic violence.

I know your parents sound old-fashioned and traditional to you, but some traditions persist because they actually work. Marriage is one of them. I'd encourage you not to compromise on this one. If this relationship has the potential to go the distance, don't saddle it with the burdens that come with cohabitation. And if this guy is worthy of committing your life to, he's worth the wait -- and so are you!

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)