Q: We recently discovered that our teenage son is using drugs. In fact, it looks like he's in the throes of a full-blown addiction. How can we help him?

Jim: I'm sorry to learn of your son's addiction. In dealing with situations of this nature, Focus on the Family's counseling team recommends keeping the following principles in mind: First, don't deny or ignore the problem. If you do, it's likely to get worse. Second, don't succumb to false guilt. Most parents assume a great deal of self-blame when an addiction surfaces in their home. Third, don't expect quick-fix solutions. Remember that there will be no complete healing until your son learns to assume responsibility for his own actions. This could be a long process.

We suggest that you seek professional counseling for your son, and we highly recommend that you do this together as a family. The most successful treatment programs take a family-systems approach that involves intensive evaluation and a series of counseling sessions offered in an environment of community and accountability. Contact Focus on the Family for referrals to programs of this nature, or a list of qualified therapists in your area who specialize in treating drug addiction.

During this process, you may need to present your son with a number of options, including entering an inpatient drug-treatment center, a halfway house, a boot-camp program or youth home, or staying with a relative who is willing to accept him for a defined period of time. More extreme possibilities may include making your child a ward of the court or even turning him over to the police if he has been involved in criminal activity. If you shield him from the consequences of his behavior or bail him out when his drug abuse gets him into trouble, he will not be motivated to change.

May God guide you as you endeavor to walk with your son on the road to healing!

Q: My 14-year-old daughter spends hours and hours in her room. When she comes home from school, I ask her questions about her day, but she just gives one-word answers. How do I connect with her without badgering her?

Juli: First of all, your experience is pretty common. Many affectionate, chatty 10-year-olds turn into reclusive teens with no apparent explanation, other than hormones and peer pressure.

As you are realizing, you can't connect with your daughter in the same ways that you used to. However, that doesn't mean that she no longer needs you. In fact, teens are desperate to know their parents' unconditional love and support. Here are a few ways you can stay connected to your daughter through the changes of adolescence.

Let her know that you are always there to talk, and then back up that promise. Be available when she is ready to talk. A time will come when your daughter will need to talk, cry and even ask for your advice. Most likely, it will be at an inconvenient time for you (like at 2 a.m. or in the middle of the workday). Drop everything and just be there for her.

Spend time with your daughter without asking somewhat complicated questions like, "How are you doing?" Driving her to activities, shopping together or just listening to her music tells her that you are invested and interested.

Find ways to show that you care about her and you love her. That might be placing a note on her pillow that says, "I love you," or putting a special little gift in her backpack every now and then.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: I've been dating the same guy for a year, and he's wonderful. We're not ready to get married yet, but we're talking about moving in together. My very traditional parents don't approve. What do you think?

Jim: Listen to your parents, and don't move in together until after you've tied the knot. This isn't about being "old fashioned." Social science research indicates that couples who live together prior to marriage are much more likely to get divorced than those who don't. You and your boyfriend might think that moving in together will help you build a stronger foundation for marriage later. But you'll actually be increasing your chances of ending up in divorce court.

This all has to do with the concept of commitment, which is essential to any marriage. The two of you may be very much in love, but the plain truth is that nothing is set in stone. There is no engagement, no ring, no public profession of your lifelong love. Without these things in place, your living together will mimic marriage in some respects, but it will lack that critical element of commitment.

Generally speaking, men tend to take relationships less seriously -- and view them as temporary -- when marriage vows are not involved. All too often, the woman in a cohabiting relationship ends up getting hurt when the man moves out and moves on. Professor George Akerlof of the University of California, Berkeley put it this way: "Men settle down when they get married. If they fail to get married, they fail to settle down."

Maybe this is true of your boyfriend, and maybe not. The point is that you both need to continue dating and decide whether you'll ever be ready to get married to one another. If and when that happens, you'll have the rest of your lives to spend together under the same roof.

Q: But we're already committed to each other. Is living together really a "death sentence" for the relationship?

Juli: An increasingly common form of "family" in the United States today is a man and woman living together without a wedding ring. So, you are certainly not alone in your consideration of living with your boyfriend as a step toward or even around marriage. In fact, over 50 percent of marriages today are preceded by cohabitation.

But remember that just because something is common, doesn't mean it's the best for you. An awful lot of people have cancer, too!

Jim hit the nail on the head here: When you really think about it, cohabitation is giving guys intimacy on their terms. Throughout history, women have naturally longed for the security of a consistent, committed relationship in which to make a home and raise children. Men have been more prone to seek companionship and sexual fulfillment without the responsibilities and limitations that come with marriage. By moving in with your boyfriend, you are taking away any incentive he may have to grow up and make a lifelong commitment to you.

Don't buy the line that living together before marriage will be a good trial run. As Jim noted, cohabiting couples are much more likely to end up divorced. They're also more likely to experience depression, poverty, infidelity and domestic violence.

I know your parents sound old-fashioned and traditional to you, but some traditions persist because they actually work. Marriage is one of them. I'd encourage you not to compromise on this one. If this relationship has the potential to go the distance, don't saddle it with the burdens that come with cohabitation. And if this guy is worthy of committing your life to, he's worth the wait -- and so are you!

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: I'm struggling with how to keep my kids motivated throughout the school year. In past years, I've felt like the cheerleader, constantly encouraging them to take school seriously. How can I make this year different?

Juli: Many parents dread the beginning of a new school year even more than their children, for the very reason you mentioned. It takes a lot of energy to motivate kids to stay on top of their work!

One key to starting out the year on a positive note is to begin with realistic and objective goals as a source of motivation. Whereas the right kind of goals can be encouraging, the wrong goals can add to feelings of apathy and failure.

First of all, make sure the goals you help your kids set are realistic. For example, most children are not capable of getting all A's and stop trying when they receive their first subpar grade. So, instead, how about setting the goal of getting a higher math grade than they did last year or turning in their assignments on time?

Secondly, your child's goals should be objective or measurable. Having the goal of "working hard" may sound inspiring, but it will feel like nailing Jell-O to a tree unless there is an objective way of seeing progress.

Finally, remember that not all school goals should be academic. Although grades are important, your child may also need to focus on goals more related to character or social skills.

Whether your children are entering kindergarten or college, help them to create a goal or two and write them down. Younger children may need to have their goals mapped on a sticker chart so they can see their progress.

Your job is to slowly transfer the motivation for doing well to your children. Teaching your kids to set and achieve goals is a great step in the process.

Q: I have a happy, smart, energetic 8-year-old daughter who's struggling with two problems -- she's messy and off-task most of the time. She's a straight-A student, but I constantly have to push her to get ready for school, do her homework and get to bed. It's exhausting! She seems unconcerned and unmotivated, and would rather play than anything else. How can I help her?

Jim: We've heard from other parents in your situation. Our first thought is that your daughter could use a good dose of self-discipline. This would not only help her be more efficient in completing her tasks, but it would also relieve you of the burden of policing her all the time.

Implementing a system of rewards and reinforcement can help your daughter learn to take responsibility and show initiative. Maybe you can tell her that if she gets herself ready for school for a straight week without having to be constantly monitored, you'll take her out for a milkshake on the weekend. (The occasional milkshake is a great motivator for my boys -- and for me, too!)

She also needs to experience negative consequences. You don't want her to flunk out of school, but if you stop hounding her about her homework and she ends up getting a lower grade as a result of a late assignment, the trauma of that experience might offer just the motivation she needs to stay on top of her schoolwork next time.

Be sure to cut her some slack, too. Some kids are more messy and flighty by nature, and you don't want to change her personality entirely. Just be sure to affirm her when things go right. A kind word from you will likely be the best reward of all.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)