Q: I've been dating the same guy for a year, and he's wonderful. We're not ready to get married yet, but we're talking about moving in together. My very traditional parents don't approve. What do you think?

Jim: Listen to your parents, and don't move in together until after you've tied the knot. This isn't about being "old fashioned." Social science research indicates that couples who live together prior to marriage are much more likely to get divorced than those who don't. You and your boyfriend might think that moving in together will help you build a stronger foundation for marriage later. But you'll actually be increasing your chances of ending up in divorce court.

This all has to do with the concept of commitment, which is essential to any marriage. The two of you may be very much in love, but the plain truth is that nothing is set in stone. There is no engagement, no ring, no public profession of your lifelong love. Without these things in place, your living together will mimic marriage in some respects, but it will lack that critical element of commitment.

Generally speaking, men tend to take relationships less seriously -- and view them as temporary -- when marriage vows are not involved. All too often, the woman in a cohabiting relationship ends up getting hurt when the man moves out and moves on. Professor George Akerlof of the University of California, Berkeley put it this way: "Men settle down when they get married. If they fail to get married, they fail to settle down."

Maybe this is true of your boyfriend, and maybe not. The point is that you both need to continue dating and decide whether you'll ever be ready to get married to one another. If and when that happens, you'll have the rest of your lives to spend together under the same roof.

Q: But we're already committed to each other. Is living together really a "death sentence" for the relationship?

Juli: An increasingly common form of "family" in the United States today is a man and woman living together without a wedding ring. So, you are certainly not alone in your consideration of living with your boyfriend as a step toward or even around marriage. In fact, over 50 percent of marriages today are preceded by cohabitation.

But remember that just because something is common, doesn't mean it's the best for you. An awful lot of people have cancer, too!

Jim hit the nail on the head here: When you really think about it, cohabitation is giving guys intimacy on their terms. Throughout history, women have naturally longed for the security of a consistent, committed relationship in which to make a home and raise children. Men have been more prone to seek companionship and sexual fulfillment without the responsibilities and limitations that come with marriage. By moving in with your boyfriend, you are taking away any incentive he may have to grow up and make a lifelong commitment to you.

Don't buy the line that living together before marriage will be a good trial run. As Jim noted, cohabiting couples are much more likely to end up divorced. They're also more likely to experience depression, poverty, infidelity and domestic violence.

I know your parents sound old-fashioned and traditional to you, but some traditions persist because they actually work. Marriage is one of them. I'd encourage you not to compromise on this one. If this relationship has the potential to go the distance, don't saddle it with the burdens that come with cohabitation. And if this guy is worthy of committing your life to, he's worth the wait -- and so are you!

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: I'm struggling with how to keep my kids motivated throughout the school year. In past years, I've felt like the cheerleader, constantly encouraging them to take school seriously. How can I make this year different?

Juli: Many parents dread the beginning of a new school year even more than their children, for the very reason you mentioned. It takes a lot of energy to motivate kids to stay on top of their work!

One key to starting out the year on a positive note is to begin with realistic and objective goals as a source of motivation. Whereas the right kind of goals can be encouraging, the wrong goals can add to feelings of apathy and failure.

First of all, make sure the goals you help your kids set are realistic. For example, most children are not capable of getting all A's and stop trying when they receive their first subpar grade. So, instead, how about setting the goal of getting a higher math grade than they did last year or turning in their assignments on time?

Secondly, your child's goals should be objective or measurable. Having the goal of "working hard" may sound inspiring, but it will feel like nailing Jell-O to a tree unless there is an objective way of seeing progress.

Finally, remember that not all school goals should be academic. Although grades are important, your child may also need to focus on goals more related to character or social skills.

Whether your children are entering kindergarten or college, help them to create a goal or two and write them down. Younger children may need to have their goals mapped on a sticker chart so they can see their progress.

Your job is to slowly transfer the motivation for doing well to your children. Teaching your kids to set and achieve goals is a great step in the process.

Q: I have a happy, smart, energetic 8-year-old daughter who's struggling with two problems -- she's messy and off-task most of the time. She's a straight-A student, but I constantly have to push her to get ready for school, do her homework and get to bed. It's exhausting! She seems unconcerned and unmotivated, and would rather play than anything else. How can I help her?

Jim: We've heard from other parents in your situation. Our first thought is that your daughter could use a good dose of self-discipline. This would not only help her be more efficient in completing her tasks, but it would also relieve you of the burden of policing her all the time.

Implementing a system of rewards and reinforcement can help your daughter learn to take responsibility and show initiative. Maybe you can tell her that if she gets herself ready for school for a straight week without having to be constantly monitored, you'll take her out for a milkshake on the weekend. (The occasional milkshake is a great motivator for my boys -- and for me, too!)

She also needs to experience negative consequences. You don't want her to flunk out of school, but if you stop hounding her about her homework and she ends up getting a lower grade as a result of a late assignment, the trauma of that experience might offer just the motivation she needs to stay on top of her schoolwork next time.

Be sure to cut her some slack, too. Some kids are more messy and flighty by nature, and you don't want to change her personality entirely. Just be sure to affirm her when things go right. A kind word from you will likely be the best reward of all.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: Our daughter starts kindergarten next week, and I'm worried about dropping her off at school that first day. She's very attached to us, and even a little clingy. We don't want to make a scene.

Jim: The first day of school is an emotional roller coaster. Moms and Dads are sometimes in tears over the fact that their baby has grown up so fast, and kids are often full of trepidation at the prospect of entering a new and unfamiliar environment.

My mom and I experienced this trauma on my first day of kindergarten. She had to drag me through the doors kicking and screaming. But my negative reaction was short-lived. After the initial shock of that first parting, I quickly fell in love with school. I even developed a crush on my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Smith!

A little separation anxiety on the first day of school is only natural. Most kids quickly overcome their fears and look forward to going to school every day, just as I did. Hopefully, you've been "talking up" the experience with your daughter and helping her look forward to all the fun she'll have learning new things and meeting new friends.

If, despite your best efforts, your daughter throws a fit on that first day, the best thing you can do for her is to lovingly but firmly insist that she join the teacher and the other students. Volunteering to stay in her room beyond the appointed drop-off time will only prolong the separation trauma, not to mention disrupt the class.

Many parents are pleasantly surprised, and maybe even a little disappointed, to discover that their kids have no trouble saying goodbye on that first day of school. Rather than whimpering and acting afraid, they hug Mom and Dad and then run to their classmates without so much as looking back.

Q: My wife and I have been married for six years and have two small children. Overall, we have a good marriage, but my wife's impulsive spending habits are a constant source of stress. Every month, we have the same argument when the credit card bill arrives. She cries, apologizes, but then keeps spending!

Juli: Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. We probably all fit that definition to some extent! It's clear from your description of what is happening in your marriage that your current strategy isn't working.

Money is a very emotional topic. People spend and save money for a variety of reasons that are often rooted in emotional needs like security, comfort, relational power and validation. So, when you and your wife have your monthly credit card bill confrontation, you are not just talking about dollars and cents.

Instead of reacting to the bill every month, it is time for you to be proactive in addressing this issue in your marriage. Your local church may offer free financial counseling or budgeting courses. One of my favorites, which is offered nationwide, is called Financial Peace University by Dave Ramsey. Taking this course will help you and your wife work through a budget based on principles that you can agree on. (You can find out more information by going to www.daveramsey.com.)

Because financial issues also involve emotions and relational tension, you may want to take the additional step of seeking marriage counseling. Yes, these steps require an investment of time and effort up front. However, financial disagreement is consistently listed as a leading cause of divorce. Your marriage is worth the effort!

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)