Q: I'm struggling with how to keep my kids motivated throughout the school year. In past years, I've felt like the cheerleader, constantly encouraging them to take school seriously. How can I make this year different?

Juli: Many parents dread the beginning of a new school year even more than their children, for the very reason you mentioned. It takes a lot of energy to motivate kids to stay on top of their work!

One key to starting out the year on a positive note is to begin with realistic and objective goals as a source of motivation. Whereas the right kind of goals can be encouraging, the wrong goals can add to feelings of apathy and failure.

First of all, make sure the goals you help your kids set are realistic. For example, most children are not capable of getting all A's and stop trying when they receive their first subpar grade. So, instead, how about setting the goal of getting a higher math grade than they did last year or turning in their assignments on time?

Secondly, your child's goals should be objective or measurable. Having the goal of "working hard" may sound inspiring, but it will feel like nailing Jell-O to a tree unless there is an objective way of seeing progress.

Finally, remember that not all school goals should be academic. Although grades are important, your child may also need to focus on goals more related to character or social skills.

Whether your children are entering kindergarten or college, help them to create a goal or two and write them down. Younger children may need to have their goals mapped on a sticker chart so they can see their progress.

Your job is to slowly transfer the motivation for doing well to your children. Teaching your kids to set and achieve goals is a great step in the process.

Q: I have a happy, smart, energetic 8-year-old daughter who's struggling with two problems -- she's messy and off-task most of the time. She's a straight-A student, but I constantly have to push her to get ready for school, do her homework and get to bed. It's exhausting! She seems unconcerned and unmotivated, and would rather play than anything else. How can I help her?

Jim: We've heard from other parents in your situation. Our first thought is that your daughter could use a good dose of self-discipline. This would not only help her be more efficient in completing her tasks, but it would also relieve you of the burden of policing her all the time.

Implementing a system of rewards and reinforcement can help your daughter learn to take responsibility and show initiative. Maybe you can tell her that if she gets herself ready for school for a straight week without having to be constantly monitored, you'll take her out for a milkshake on the weekend. (The occasional milkshake is a great motivator for my boys -- and for me, too!)

She also needs to experience negative consequences. You don't want her to flunk out of school, but if you stop hounding her about her homework and she ends up getting a lower grade as a result of a late assignment, the trauma of that experience might offer just the motivation she needs to stay on top of her schoolwork next time.

Be sure to cut her some slack, too. Some kids are more messy and flighty by nature, and you don't want to change her personality entirely. Just be sure to affirm her when things go right. A kind word from you will likely be the best reward of all.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: Our daughter starts kindergarten next week, and I'm worried about dropping her off at school that first day. She's very attached to us, and even a little clingy. We don't want to make a scene.

Jim: The first day of school is an emotional roller coaster. Moms and Dads are sometimes in tears over the fact that their baby has grown up so fast, and kids are often full of trepidation at the prospect of entering a new and unfamiliar environment.

My mom and I experienced this trauma on my first day of kindergarten. She had to drag me through the doors kicking and screaming. But my negative reaction was short-lived. After the initial shock of that first parting, I quickly fell in love with school. I even developed a crush on my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Smith!

A little separation anxiety on the first day of school is only natural. Most kids quickly overcome their fears and look forward to going to school every day, just as I did. Hopefully, you've been "talking up" the experience with your daughter and helping her look forward to all the fun she'll have learning new things and meeting new friends.

If, despite your best efforts, your daughter throws a fit on that first day, the best thing you can do for her is to lovingly but firmly insist that she join the teacher and the other students. Volunteering to stay in her room beyond the appointed drop-off time will only prolong the separation trauma, not to mention disrupt the class.

Many parents are pleasantly surprised, and maybe even a little disappointed, to discover that their kids have no trouble saying goodbye on that first day of school. Rather than whimpering and acting afraid, they hug Mom and Dad and then run to their classmates without so much as looking back.

Q: My wife and I have been married for six years and have two small children. Overall, we have a good marriage, but my wife's impulsive spending habits are a constant source of stress. Every month, we have the same argument when the credit card bill arrives. She cries, apologizes, but then keeps spending!

Juli: Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. We probably all fit that definition to some extent! It's clear from your description of what is happening in your marriage that your current strategy isn't working.

Money is a very emotional topic. People spend and save money for a variety of reasons that are often rooted in emotional needs like security, comfort, relational power and validation. So, when you and your wife have your monthly credit card bill confrontation, you are not just talking about dollars and cents.

Instead of reacting to the bill every month, it is time for you to be proactive in addressing this issue in your marriage. Your local church may offer free financial counseling or budgeting courses. One of my favorites, which is offered nationwide, is called Financial Peace University by Dave Ramsey. Taking this course will help you and your wife work through a budget based on principles that you can agree on. (You can find out more information by going to www.daveramsey.com.)

Because financial issues also involve emotions and relational tension, you may want to take the additional step of seeking marriage counseling. Yes, these steps require an investment of time and effort up front. However, financial disagreement is consistently listed as a leading cause of divorce. Your marriage is worth the effort!

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: I don't like the way my son and his wife are raising their kids. I don't want to interfere, but shouldn't I have a say in what's good for my own grandchildren?

Juli: There is an excellent chance that your son and daughter-in-law know that you have some concerns about how they're raising your grandkids. Young parents harbor a lot of doubts of their own and quickly pick up the vibe when a close friend or relative disapproves of their parenting. Your son and his wife are likely to be more defensive and withdrawn from you the more they pick up on your concerns.

Whether or not you realize it, you potentially have a fair amount of influence in their parenting. They may even welcome your perspective and opinion -- but only if they first feel safe with you.

Influence is a tricky thing. When you overreach with it, you lose it. A lot of parents and in-laws are too forceful with their opinions and unsolicited advice. This causes a young couple to distance themselves in order to ward off potential criticism.

Your greatest influence is your presence with your son, his wife and children. Even if you never mention your concerns or offer advice, the way you carry yourself, show unconditional love, and how you model your character will leave a tremendous impression.

My encouragement to you is to build a trusting relationship, particularly with your daughter-in-law. Find ways that you can genuinely compliment her as a wife and mother, remembering that motherhood can, at times, be an exhausting marathon. Show her that you care about her as a person, and as difficult as it may be, let go of your concerns for now.

The day will come when she is desperate for a word of advice or wisdom. She's far more likely to seek you out if you have built a trusting relationship than if she feels threatened by your disapproval.

Q: My family recently joined a church. My elderly father has no use for religion, and he's trying to convince my kids that they're wasting their time. Should I prevent them from seeing their grandpa?

Jim: We'd advise that you set firm boundaries with your father and make it clear that it's your right and responsibility to oversee your children's spiritual growth. He doesn't have to like the fact that they're attending church with you, but he needs to respect your decision.

At the same time, I can empathize with your desire to maintain a good relationship with him, especially for the sake of your kids. Growing up, I didn't have any grandparents. There's evidence my mom and dad may have been part of the witness protection program (no joke!), and so extended family was nonexistent. I would have loved nothing more than to have someone to call "Grandma" and "Grandpa." With that in mind, it would be tragic if you and your kids were to become estranged from your dad over this issue.

The challenge, then, is to arrive at a point of compromise. Make it clear to your dad that you love and respect him, and that you want your kids to be able to spend quality time with their grandpa. But also make it clear that you need to make your own choices as a parent, and that if he has concerns about your family's spiritual path, he should take them up with you, not the kids.

It won't be easy, but with honesty, open communication and respect from both parties, there's no reason your kids can't continue to have a fun and healthy relationship with their grandpa.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)