Q: This summer our teenager has been spending all of his time with friends, and as a result he's never available to take part in family activities. What should we do?

Jim: Although you're probably disappointed by his unavailability, it's likely not cause for concern. Your son's behavior is part of a normal process that child development experts call "separation and individuation." Between the ages of 6 and 12, a child's need to identify with his peer group starts to take precedence over his sense of identification with family. This continues through the teen years and usually concludes with complete separation and independence between the ages of 18 and 20.

You can make this transition smoother if you keep in mind the following suggestions from Focus on the Family's counseling team, which deals with this question occasionally from parents in your position:

First, as difficult as it sounds, reassess your own motives. Do you have selfish reasons for wanting your child to stay close? Do you have a hidden emotional need that you're expecting him to fulfill? Are you afraid of letting go and seeing him make mistakes on his own? If so, you need to realize that these are your problems, not his.

Next, find a way to embrace and affirm this shift in your son's outlook. Allow for separation while helping him realize that he's wanted at home, too. One way to achieve this might be to host activities for your son's friends. Organize a summer barbecue or allow him to invite some pals on your next family hike. This will provide you with a window into your son's peer group as well as a discreet, relaxed opportunity to chaperone his interaction with friends. While there's certainly a place for family-only activities, there's no reason why you can't devise additional outings of a more inclusive nature.

Q: I have a huge concern about the music my teenager and his friends are listening to. I know when I was a teenager that the music I listened to affected my attitude and heart. How can I help my son understand that music does affect your heart and mind and that there is positive music out there to listen to?

Juli: There are a lot of parenting challenges that have changed over time, but this one has been around for several generations. Teens and their parents have never agreed on music. The stakes seem higher now than when teens were enthralled with the Beatles. The lyrics of today's edgiest music are far more graphic and disturbing, describing violent and sexual acts in detail.

Many American teens have smartphones or iPods that can play music without disturbing Mom and Dad. That's why parents must be proactive to stay in touch with what kind of music their kids are listening to.

To get the point across to your son, here's what I would recommend. Print out the lyrics to the music he is listening to. Then ask him to read them out loud to you. This brings to light the impact of what he is choosing to put in his mind.

The next step really depends on your parenting philosophy and on your teen's age. I would flat out prohibit a young teen from listening to destructive music, but give more freedom for discernment to an older teen who has started making his own choices.

If you need help finding good music and getting another perspective on what your teens are listening to, check out our Plugged In website at www.pluggedin.com.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: Our daughter and her husband are struggling financially. We'd like to help them out, but we don't want to set an unhealthy precedent or violate the integrity of their marriage. How should we handle this?

Jim: Focus on the Family's counseling team deals with this question often. Their advice is that if you have the financial ability and the desire, it's actually more beneficial to give to your children while you are alive than to leave them a large inheritance -- provided, of course, that you do it wisely and follow some basic guidelines:

-- Give with no manipulative strings attached. If you're trying to change an adult child's behavior by what you do for them financially, you're being manipulative. This poses a challenge for some parents and grandparents. Instead of giving money freely, they may want something in return: phone calls, visits during the holidays, license to "meddle" in their children's marriages, etc. Such expectations run contrary to the spirit of true generosity.

-- Transfer wealth gradually, without changing their lifestyle dramatically. Consider helping them out with the cost of necessary items, such as appliances, rather than luxury items. If they're buying a home, you might also think about giving them a monthly gift to help pay down the principal on their mortgage.

-- Be sensitive to your son-in-law's feelings and bear in mind the importance of his role as provider. Don't give the young couple so much money that he feels he isn't needed.

-- Don't rob your children of the ability to learn valuable life lessons. It's hard for more affluent parents to watch their kids struggle with problems that could be solved with a check. But it may not always be healthy for you to intervene. Struggling through a "lean" season may actually help them develop character and strengthen their marriage.

Q: My husband just told me that he's been having an emotional affair with a co-worker. We're trying to work things out, but I'm confused and having a hard time forgiving. Is an emotional affair just as damaging as a physical affair?

Juli: In some ways, an emotional affair is even more difficult to deal with than a physical affair because it is so ambiguous. Even the most basic question, "What defines an emotional affair?" is not an easy one to answer. While your husband did not share his body with another woman, he shared thoughts and feelings that should be reserved only for you. That hurts and feels like a betrayal!

As difficult as it is to forgive your husband and move on, it is a good sign that he confessed the affair to you. By doing so, he recognizes that he has crossed boundaries that he should not have crossed. Instead of rationalizing his actions, he is accepting responsibility.

To move forward, you need to follow many of the same steps involved in recovering from a physical affair. Forgiveness is certainly one of those steps. To forgive your husband means to give up your right to punish him for his past choices.

You also need to address the trust issue that was broken between you. How can you know that he will not continue in an emotional affair or begin another one? Together, you need to talk about boundaries that will protect your marriage. Reading Jerry Jenkins' book, "Hedges," would be a great place to start.

Finally, work together as a team to be sure that you are meeting each other's emotional and sexual needs within your marriage. Couples become more vulnerable to affairs when those needs are neglected.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: We're considering enrolling our daughter in preschool this fall, but we're not sure about the idea of consigning her to an institutional setting for hours every week. What do you recommend?

Jim: When it comes to early childhood training, Focus on the Family's primary concern is to encourage a strong parent-child connection. We prefer to toss the ball back to the parents and let them evaluate their own unique situation. Does preschool have the potential to enhance or enrich the bond you enjoy with your daughter? Or do you sense that it might compromise that vital relationship in some way?

Also, check your motives. What's your purpose in sending your daughter to preschool? Are you hoping to provide her with a healthy introduction to the joys of learning? If so, there are probably preschools in your area that can help, particularly with respect to language skills, cognitive development and educational readiness.

However, if you're merely attempting to turn your daughter into a genius or position her in the academic pack in order to "keep up with the Joneses," you should reconsider. This phase of her life needs to be characterized by a strong emphasis on relationships, and you can seriously jeopardize that if you push too hard too soon.

In short, evidence suggests that children reap the greatest benefits, both educationally and socially, when they're protected from peer pressure and a formalized educational setting until they're mature enough to handle it. But there are also situations in which a good preschool might be valuable for a child. Those are questions only you can answer.

Q: My son is almost 20 years old and currently is in college. He has really struggled focusing on his classes the last two years and his grades have suffered in return. It is so important to me that he finishes college, but I don't know if it's appropriate for me to continue to monitor his work. When should a parent "let go" and let their adult child make his own mistakes?

Juli: A lot of parents can identify with your concerns. Ironically, as kids get older, we prepare them most effectively by letting go. You wrote that it is "so important to me that he finishes college." The key is whether or not it is important to him!

Motivation is something that a parent and child can't both equally carry. When your son was little, it was your job to provide the motivation for him to do well and to try his best. Now that he's a young adult, he has to learn to be self-motivated. This means that you have to let go of your goals for him so he can discover his own -- which may or may not be graduating from college.

You can help your son most by making a way for him to succeed in college and by not providing for him to fail. If he wants to go to college and puts forth a reasonable amount of effort, offer to pay for some of his college expenses. However, if he continues to get grades below what you know he should be getting, let him foot the bill or drop out and get a job. Instead of monitoring his work, set an objective standard (like a 3.0 GPA) that he should be able to maintain.

The most valuable lesson you can teach your son is how he must learn to take responsibility for his own choices in life. This may mean giving up your dream of him receiving a college diploma, but it will give him the best chance of succeeding in all of his endeavors.

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