Q: I'm struggling with knowing if a guy is a "good guy" or not. My family says I'm too picky when it comes to dating. Can you tell me the qualities I should be looking for in a man?

Juli: There are two sides to this question. Marriage is a lifelong commitment, and you should consider very carefully the man you want to share your life with. On the other hand, many young men and women never commit to marriage because they are looking for the perfect "soul mate." If you believe you've found the perfect guy, look again, because he doesn't exist.

The question you asked about what "qualities" to look for is right on. There are some qualities that are essential to building a strong marriage. Here's my list:

-- A teachable spirit. You want to marry a man who is willing to grow. How does he respond to feedback? Is he defensive or does he want to learn? Is he honest about his struggles?

-- A shared faith. There are many things in marriage that can be solved by compromise. Faith is not one of them. Your faith and beliefs define how you view morality, children, forgiveness and the purpose of life.

-- Integrity. Marriage is built on trust. You only want to marry a man who is trustworthy and who understands the value of honesty and keeping his word.

-- Kindness. Marriage is the most vulnerable relationship in the world. In the crucible of sharing life together, you want a man who cares about protecting and guarding your feelings. As a young man, he may not always be perfectly sensitive, but does he display a kind heart to you and to others?

As you look for "husband material," remember to also work toward becoming a potential wife. Cultivate your own teachable spirit, grow in your faith, and become a woman of integrity and kindness!

Q: In the early days of our marriage, my husband was kind and thoughtful, but recently he's become verbally and physically abusive and has actually hit me on several occasions. Can anything be done to save our relationship?

Jim: My heart goes out to you at this terrible news. No man has the right to hit his wife. No wife deserves to receive this kind of treatment at the hands of a man who promised to love and cherish her. Physical abuse is a criminal offense. I implore you to seek the help of a pastor, social worker or women's shelter. If the violence continues, it may be necessary to call 911 or to remove yourself from the situation. Once you've put some distance between yourself and the threat of further harm, you can begin to move in the direction of possibly saving your marriage.

Your first priority is to listen to your instincts for self-preservation. Let your husband know that you want the marriage to work, but that you're no longer willing to endure mistreatment and abuse. He needs to understand that you cannot move forward in this relationship until the two of you have sought professional help together. If he's unwilling to do that, see a counselor on your own. In some situations, individual counseling may be advisable for a period of time before beginning the process of joint counseling.

Please contact Focus on the Family (focusonthefamily.com) to speak with a member of our counseling team, and to get a referral to a certified counselor in your area who can help you on a long-term basis. May God grant you grace and strength as you face this difficult situation.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My teenage daughter wasn't asked to the prom, and she's devastated. As a father, what can I do to encourage her?

Jim: First of all, try to avoid making a big issue of her disappointment. Prom night is one of the most overhyped experiences of adolescence. Your daughter's friends, the media and the prevailing culture have all told her that she's missing out on the biggest evening of her life, and it probably won't do much good to try to convince her otherwise. But it's just as unhelpful to say or do anything that might foster or prolong her melancholy mood.

That's not to say that you should ignore or make light of her feelings. The emotions she's going through are very real, and they have nothing to do with the intrinsic value of the prom. They're primarily related to her sense of self-worth. So be sensitive. Don't try to apply a quick-fix solution. Give her time to be sad and withdrawn. Back off if you get the impression that she's unwilling to discuss the matter.

When she does come to the point of opening up, take time to listen. Reaffirm her as a person, reinforce the importance of character as opposed to mere popularity and social standing, and remind her that she will have something to offer a fortunate young man when the time is right. And as opportunities arise, help her gain a more realistic view of events like the prom.

On a more practical level, you might consider recommending an alternate activity for the evening. If some of her friends are free, host a movie night. If everybody else is at the prom, propose a "Dad date" at a location of her choosing. If she decides to stay home, encourage her to call a friend far away (and don't worry about the minutes). And whatever you do, take pains to reassure her of your love.

Q: Our 7-year-old is negative all the time. He's the youngest of four boys, and we always try to encourage him and build up his self-esteem. Nothing seems to be enough. How can we help him to be more positive?

Juli: Helping your son become more positive may have less to do with making him feel better about himself and more to do with how he interacts with the rest of the world. The positive–thinking, self-esteem movement has shown, in many cases, to be doing more harm than good for kids. Building a child's self-esteem only through encouragement can feel like blowing up a balloon that has a hole in it. No matter how much air you put in, it will still leak out.

Try getting your son involved in helping and encouraging others through a family mission trip or volunteering at a local nonprofit organization. This will do two things that build genuine self-esteem and self-respect: instill gratitude and show him that he can make a difference.

When your son sees others who have difficulties greater than his own, it will help him realize how much he has to be grateful for. Meeting people who live with much less than he does is far more powerful than words that encourage gratefulness. You can't really complain about having brown eyes when you meet someone who is blind.

Your son will also see that his efforts to help others are a unique contribution to the world. You won't have to persuade him that he is talented or smart. Seeing that he's helped someone less fortunate will be enough to convince him that his life can make a difference.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: I'll be graduating from high school next week, and even though I won't leave for college for several months, my mom is already freaking out. Sometimes I think she's going to have a panic attack. I'm afraid she won't be able to handle it when I finally leave. What should I do?

Jim: Try seeing this situation from your mom's perspective. Remember the anxiety you felt before your first date, or the jitters of standing up before an audience for the first time? Your mom is facing a similar situation right now. Her precious baby is about to leave the nest, and she's not quite sure what to expect. She wants the best for you, but she fears the potential dangers that she suspects may be lying in wait for you out in the world. This brand of protectiveness is entirely healthy and natural for any mom.

At the same time, some parents do have a tendency to overprotect their kids and engage in "helicopter parenting." Your reference to panic attacks may be cause for concern as well. Healthy anxiety is one thing -- it's designed to help us cope with the challenges of life and to perform at a higher level. But an anxiety disorder is an entirely different matter. This happens when normal anxiety grows and mutates to the point where it does the opposite of what it's intended to do. Rather than helping people cope, the anxiety actually prevents them from functioning.

If you think your mom is suffering from more than just a general sense of nervousness at your departure, then respectfully and lovingly suggest that she seek help. There are a number of treatments available for anxiety disorders. A member of Focus on the Family's counseling team will be able to speak with you about this issue and identify a qualified counselor in your area. In the meantime, shower her with lots of love and make sure that these final few months at home are memorable for both of you.

Q: Our 21-year-old son is living with us. He has struggled to find employment and become independent. How do we encourage him to take the necessary steps to find a job, a place to live and his own way in life without making him feel unloved or unwanted?

Juli: To address this issue with your son, you must begin by asking the question, "What does it mean to love him?" Although it might seem unloving to push your son out of the comfort of your home, it is actually a very loving thing to do.

Your son, like many young adults in our society, is stuck in a delayed adolescence instead of launching into adult responsibilities. It is unloving to be part of keeping him stuck.

Here's a suggested plan of action. Give your son a reasonable date by which you expect him to be out of the house. Explain to him that he is always welcome to visit, but that he is a man now and needs to become responsible for himself. Offer to help him plan financially, strategize to find a job and other necessary steps toward independence.

Be firm on the date that you set! Your natural tendency may be to show grace if the date comes and goes and your son is still stuck. You are doing him no favors by shielding him from responsibility.

One option for your son to consider is joining the military. The armed forces are wonderful for providing direction, self-confidence and maturity for young men and women who are struggling to find their way out of adolescence.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)