Q: My 11-year-old daughter is constantly talking back, is disrespectful, and has to be reminded all the time of basic daily responsibilities. How can I help her be more responsible and accountable for her actions?

Juli: It's normal for an 11-year-old girl to be pushing the boundaries like your daughter is. Unfortunately, it's also common for parents not to do anything about it. So thank you for asking the question!

As the parent of an 11-year-old, you hold all the cards. Your daughter lives under your care, watches your TV, and talks on a phone that you're paying for. You probably also pay for and drive her to extracurricular activities and social events. You need to use these basic privileges as leverage to teach her responsibility and respect.

Many parents of teens get into power struggles by saying, "Don't you dare talk to me like that." Teens and preteens know how to push buttons! Instead of reacting emotionally, use the privileges mentioned above as the currency to teach life lessons your daughter needs to learn. You want her to display responsibility. She wants freedom and privileges. Make it clear that freedom is always tied to maturity.

Instead of getting angry when she doesn't do her chores, just let her know that you won't be driving her to volleyball practice as a consequence. When she does her jobs, you are happy to go the extra mile to provide fun things for her to do.

I recommend two books that do an excellent job of spelling these principles out: "Have a New Teenager by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Lehman and "Parenting Teens With Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay.

Jim: Focus on the Family has done a lot of the work for you by assembling a list of licensed marriage and family therapists that have been thoroughly vetted by our own counseling team. For more information, visit www.focusonthefamily.com.

However, if you want to research the matter yourself, here are some guidelines:

1) The counselor should be a good "match" for you and your spouse in terms of personality, temperament and beliefs. (Note: The counselors on Focus on the Family's referral list all embrace a Judeo-Christian perspective on marriage and family.)

2) Find a skilled professional -- not one of your buddies. You wouldn't call on your best friend to treat your cancer, no matter how caring and sincere he might be.

3) Go to a specialist. As in the medical profession, in counseling there are some practitioners who are "generalists." They may have experience working with common issues, but little competency in your particular area of need.

4) Avoid choosing a counselor who simply focuses on "fixing" your spouse's behavior. Rarely can the blame for a dysfunctional marriage be laid entirely at the feet of one spouse. Counseling must be undertaken with a willingness on the part of both partners to take an honest look at their issues.

5) Beware of counselors who automatically assume that long-term treatment is necessary. They may try to string you along for months or even years in order to hang on to your "business." It's true that therapy must be thorough and comprehensive, but that doesn't always mean years of counseling.

6) Don't select a counselor on the basis of fees. You wouldn't go bargain shopping for a brain surgeon, and cost shouldn't be a primary consideration when your marriage hangs in the balance.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My husband had an affair about six months ago. He has apologized, and we are trying to repair our marriage. The problem is that he refuses to stop texting her. They don't see each other, just text. What should I do?

Juli: You need to absolutely insist that your husband cut off communication with this woman, including texting. Apologizing for his affair is just one step. His actions after the apology will demonstrate whether he is truly remorseful and taking steps to ensure that your trust isn't broken again. His unwillingness to stop texting this woman is a red flag. It begs two questions:

First, does he really understand how much his infidelity hurt you and damaged the trust in your relationship? Having an affair is the most serious breach of trust in marriage. If he's really sorry, he'll understand that and do everything required to win back your heart. The second question is: Has he burned the bridge to this relationship? By continuing to communicate with this woman, he's keeping the flame alive and keeping his options open.

The process of restoring your marriage is at a standstill until he puts a total and complete end to his relationship with the other woman. I would encourage you to stay strong on that.

If you are not already working with a counselor to help you in this process, please call Focus on the Family for a free counseling session as well as a referral to a counselor in your area.

Jim: It's normal to be annoyed with some of your spouse's habits. It's also common to discover that the two of you have conflicting personalities. But it is a couple's differences that can help them learn to complement one another and forge a relationship that will go the distance. The key is to work together to change the habits that can be changed, and learn to accept those that may take more time or may never change. Marriage helps us cast off the selfish acts and attitudes of our heart. We must learn to lay down our own desires for the sake of our spouse. It's a process of sanctification.

In an effort to coax change in a spouse, some people resort to manipulative measures. They leave books around in the hope that their partner will get the hint. Don't take that route. Instead, if you have a concern, assume ownership of your feelings. Voice them honestly and respectfully.

You should also ask yourself why you want your husband to change. Is it merely to make him more like you? Would this change make things easier for you while causing your husband to feel imprisoned? Or do you want to address behaviors that are genuinely preventing him from growing emotionally and spiritually? In other words, is your goal to liberate your spouse or to restrict his freedom?

Ultimately, nobody can change another person. The only person you can change is yourself. This doesn't mean, of course, that there are no limits to what's appropriate in a marriage: You should not tolerate physical aggression or abusive behavior. Still, in the case of smaller, less pernicious habits, it may be worth addressing the issue if you think the alteration would truly benefit both of you and put your relationship on a stronger footing.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: I was looking on my teenage son's computer and noticed that he's been looking at porn sites. I'm a single mom and just don't know what to do. I've talked with him about how damaging it is for him to look at these things and he continues to do so. How can I help him understand?

Juli: Many teen boys and girls are caught up in Internet porn. It's an epidemic. I know it feels awkward as a mom to talk to your son about sexual issues. But it's a discomfort you have to push past for his sake.

Begin by validating the fact that it's normal for him to struggle. He has a natural, God-given sexual drive, and that's a good thing! However, when that drive is channeled into casual sex or porn, it's harmful to him and others. There's a lot of shame associated with porn and teen sexuality. Don't pile on more. However, he needs to understand that porn is poisonous and evil. Many of the women used to make it are sexually trafficked, underage and exploited.

I recommend that you teach your son to play both "defense" and "offense." Insist that his computer and other devices have accountability and filtering software such as Safe Eyes or Bsecure.

Offensively, your son needs encouragement and training from other men on how to handle sexual temptations. Fortunately, there are many church groups addressing this issue. If you're already involved in a church, help your son get plugged into a youth group or a men's Bible study that can help him grow. It's important that he get a vision not just for what to say "no" to, but what to say "yes" to. Pray that God will bring men into his life to challenge him to be a man of integrity.

Jim: Did you hear that? It's the sound of moms everywhere shouting "Amen!" You deserve special recognition for raising such a thoughtful question. Here are a few ways you can help:

First, when you come home after a long, tiring day, remember that your wife's day was equally long and tiring. There are two things she needs at this point: 1) adult conversation, including expressions of appreciation for what she's been doing, and 2) a pair of hands to pitch in and help with the kids, the dishes and so on.

Second, don't expect to be taken care of like another child. Pick up your own clothes and toys.

Third, don't expect much sexual response if your wife is exhausted and you haven't done much to help. As my friend, Dr. Kevin Leman, says, "sex begins in the kitchen" -- with meaningful conversation, compliments and acts of kindness.

Fourth, get involved in the process of getting your kids ready for bed. This will result not only in relief for your wife, but quality time for you with your children.

Fifth, maintain a regular date night -- a restaurant, a concert, a walk or whatever your imagination and budget can manage.

Sixth, if your hours at work are too long, make every effort to cut back. Don't fall for the notion that your career is more fulfilling than your life at home.

Finally, try to take your wife away for a romantic weekend once in a while, where her daily responsibilities are temporarily suspended. With planning and creativity, this need not be expensive.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)