Q: How do I deal with my wife's continuing relationships with her ex-boyfriends? We have been married two years and she still likes to communicate with them. I trust my wife, but I don't understand why she feels the need to keep reaching out to them.

Juli: I think you are right to be concerned about this, even if you trust your wife. A person's friendships with the opposite sex need to change after marriage. This is particularly true with ex-boyfriends or girlfriends. Even if the relationships are strictly platonic, they present the potential for a romantic relationship in the future. When you go through difficulty in your marriage, it will be too easy for your wife to confide in another man.

While your wife needs the support and companionship of close female friends, her friendships with men need to be more superficial and distant. Unfortunately, that is not a popular thing to say today. But guarding a marriage means protecting it from the potential of competing intimate relationships.

I would ask your wife why she continues to communicate with her former boyfriends. Explain to her that it is important for you to be the one man she confides in. Tell her that this isn't about trust. It's about being her one and only.

Q: My wife and I have been married for less than a year, and I was just diagnosed with cancer. Even more than my own health, I'm worried about what this means for our marriage. My wife didn't sign up for this, and frankly, neither did I.

Jim: I'm very sorry to learn of your diagnosis. Cancer is not an easy thing for any family, let alone newlyweds who are just beginning their journey together. Like most couples, when you pledged to love "in sickness and in health," you were likely only thinking about the flu or the occasional broken bone. This diagnosis has cast a cloud over all of that.

Author Erin Prater has developed a list of tips for dealing with a serious diagnosis as a couple. I hope you and your wife will take it to heart as you look to what lies ahead:

1) Accept offers of help. If you're involved with a church or a close group of friends, you'll likely receive more assistance than you know what to do with. This will allow you to focus on healing and coping as a couple.

2) Find a support group. Contact your doctor's office or church for referrals.

3) Find a good counselor. A certified family counselor can help you navigate the emotions associated with this time. Contact Focus on the Family for a local referral.

4) Continue to make intimacy a priority. Sex is one of the greatest tangible bonds between a married couple. If it's still possible, make it happen.

5) Reach outside yourself. You and your spouse may start to spiritually and emotionally "drown" in hopelessness if you constantly focus on your situation. Find ways to help others in need.

6) Realize it's OK to question God. Present Him with your questions and uncertainties.

7) Reflect. Journal your thoughts, feelings and reflections. Then share them with your spouse.

8) Refuse to be owned by your condition. Life, no matter how painful or confusing, is precious and worth living. Do your best to make lemonade out of lemons.

The road before you may be rough, but the strongest marriages are founded on trials such as the one you're facing. May God grant you and your wife strength as you weather this storm together!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My son is 6 years old; we recently adopted him from overseas. He's an amazing kid -- charming, smart, fun and cheerful. My only concern is that he's very impulsive. When he's under supervision he does very well. When he's on his own he does whatever he wants and doesn't think through the consequences. Do you have any suggestions on what would help us with his impulsiveness?

Juli: Congratulations on your new addition. What a wonderful opportunity to change a life!

Kids who are adopted, domestically or internationally, have been through the traumatic experiences of abandonment and a drastic change in their environment. This is particularly true when kids are adopted after infancy. Behavior problems, developmental delays and bonding difficulties are very typical and vary in severity based on a number of factors, including what life was like before the adoption. So, the fact that your primary concern is your son's impulsivity is a very good sign that he is adjusting well to his new home.

It might help you to think of your son as a much younger child when it comes to his impulsivity. For example, how long would you leave a 2- or 3-year-old unattended without expecting him to get into trouble? Don't set your expectations of him based on age, but rather on maturity. Until your son matures, you may need to have boundaries that are more consistent with a toddler or a preschooler. For example, he may not be mature enough to be left alone in a room with sharp scissors. In other areas, he may be even more mature than a 6-year-old, so treat him accordingly.

Children who are adopted generally need more consistency and structure than the average child. However, they can also be easily over-disciplined because of their sensitivity to rejection. Work together with teachers and other adults in his life to consistently teach that every choice has consequences.

If his impulsivity continues over time or if he is at risk for harming himself or others, it would be wise to consult with his pediatrician.

Jim: Your friendship could well be a lifeline to her during this critical time. The post-holiday period can be depressing for many people anyway. Add to that the loss and grief associated with the death of your friend's husband, and the picture becomes very bleak indeed.

In a general sense, it's important that you simply make yourself available to your friend whenever she may need you. No matter how busy your life gets, bend over backward to make time for her. By all means, don't avoid her for fear that you don't know how to help or what to say.

Many people feel pressure to make a profound speech or say something eloquent that will "fix" their friend's grief. But in situations such as these, explanations seldom console and advice is rarely helpful. It's likely that your friend simply needs your presence and your listening ear as she works through the emotions associated with her loss. Let her know you care without trying to redirect the grieving process. It needs to run its course.

On a more practical level, you can make yourself available to help with daily chores and necessities, such as yard work, housework or washing the car. If you're running an errand, call and ask her if there's anything you can pick up for her while you're out.

Finally, keep a watchful eye on your friend and make sure that she's working through her grief in a healthy way. Watch for negative warning signs, such as excessive sleeping or drug and alcohol abuse. If you think she needs grief counseling, don't hesitate to suggest it.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: Our 4-year-old daughter has been talking a lot about having a "boyfriend." Recently, while playing with some neighborhood kids, she and a boy of the same age kept going off into a corner of the yard "to be alone." Should I be worried about this?

Jim: Our counselors at Focus on the Family have addressed this issue in the past. In essence, there's no reason to be overly concerned about this type of behavior. Your daughter is simply engaging in childish make-believe.

However, it's worth asking yourself exactly why her playtime activities are so heavily focused on dating. Her behavior strongly suggests that she's imitating attitudes and actions that she's seen modeled elsewhere.

If I were to take a guess, I'd say she's probably gotten this preoccupation from the media. Much of the TV programming aimed at tweens, while not sexually explicit, is focused on male-female relationships, dating and so on. If you're allowing your daughter to watch TV shows of this nature, it would be a good idea to put a stop to it until she's older. It' also possible that her preoccupation with boyfriends has come from her peers (who may themselves be viewing programs aimed at older viewers), or from an older sibling who has entered the dating years.

Whatever her inspiration, if the behavior continues, we'd suggest you gently take your daughter aside and ask her where she learned about such things. Tell her how glad you are that her group of friends includes both boys and girls, and encourage her to spend time playing with both. Then explain that girls don't have to have "boyfriends" until they're much older. A simple conversation of this nature, without making a big deal about it, will likely do the trick.

Q: My husband and I were recently married. We're both senior citizens who lost our spouses over the last few years. Now that we're remarried, we're noticing that we bring up our prior spouses often. We're struggling with how to stay focused on each other and the people we are, and not how our previous spouses did things. Can you help?

Juli: Congratulations on your new marriage! With all the books written on marriage, there are not many that address your unique situation.

The spouses that you lost are an important part of your histories. Not talking about them would be like not mentioning your career or your children. It would be stifling and unnatural. You'll never forget the years you spent together, nor should you. However, your statement about staying focused on each other is key.

Although you will talk about your previous spouses, avoid statements that could be interpreted as a comparison. For example, there's a big difference between telling an endearing story about how Bob could never fix the faucet and saying, "Bob always made me laugh when I was sad. I miss that."

It would be helpful for you and your husband to have an open conversation about which statements are distancing or hurtful to the other. Maybe you're sensitive when your husband talks about how beautiful his first wife was. Let him know those triggers so that he can be sensitive to them. You both need a safe place to process things that may be difficult for you to talk about together.

Finally, give yourselves permission to invest in this new marriage. There can be a lot of hidden feelings of guilt and grief that keep you from enjoying what you have together. You might feel that your marriage is in some way a betrayal of your former spouse. Your adult children may have feelings and opinions that reinforce that fear. The truth is that you and your husband are God's provision for each other today. Enjoy and invest together!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)