Q: Our 4-year-old daughter has been talking a lot about having a "boyfriend." Recently, while playing with some neighborhood kids, she and a boy of the same age kept going off into a corner of the yard "to be alone." Should I be worried about this?

Jim: Our counselors at Focus on the Family have addressed this issue in the past. In essence, there's no reason to be overly concerned about this type of behavior. Your daughter is simply engaging in childish make-believe.

However, it's worth asking yourself exactly why her playtime activities are so heavily focused on dating. Her behavior strongly suggests that she's imitating attitudes and actions that she's seen modeled elsewhere.

If I were to take a guess, I'd say she's probably gotten this preoccupation from the media. Much of the TV programming aimed at tweens, while not sexually explicit, is focused on male-female relationships, dating and so on. If you're allowing your daughter to watch TV shows of this nature, it would be a good idea to put a stop to it until she's older. It' also possible that her preoccupation with boyfriends has come from her peers (who may themselves be viewing programs aimed at older viewers), or from an older sibling who has entered the dating years.

Whatever her inspiration, if the behavior continues, we'd suggest you gently take your daughter aside and ask her where she learned about such things. Tell her how glad you are that her group of friends includes both boys and girls, and encourage her to spend time playing with both. Then explain that girls don't have to have "boyfriends" until they're much older. A simple conversation of this nature, without making a big deal about it, will likely do the trick.

Q: My husband and I were recently married. We're both senior citizens who lost our spouses over the last few years. Now that we're remarried, we're noticing that we bring up our prior spouses often. We're struggling with how to stay focused on each other and the people we are, and not how our previous spouses did things. Can you help?

Juli: Congratulations on your new marriage! With all the books written on marriage, there are not many that address your unique situation.

The spouses that you lost are an important part of your histories. Not talking about them would be like not mentioning your career or your children. It would be stifling and unnatural. You'll never forget the years you spent together, nor should you. However, your statement about staying focused on each other is key.

Although you will talk about your previous spouses, avoid statements that could be interpreted as a comparison. For example, there's a big difference between telling an endearing story about how Bob could never fix the faucet and saying, "Bob always made me laugh when I was sad. I miss that."

It would be helpful for you and your husband to have an open conversation about which statements are distancing or hurtful to the other. Maybe you're sensitive when your husband talks about how beautiful his first wife was. Let him know those triggers so that he can be sensitive to them. You both need a safe place to process things that may be difficult for you to talk about together.

Finally, give yourselves permission to invest in this new marriage. There can be a lot of hidden feelings of guilt and grief that keep you from enjoying what you have together. You might feel that your marriage is in some way a betrayal of your former spouse. Your adult children may have feelings and opinions that reinforce that fear. The truth is that you and your husband are God's provision for each other today. Enjoy and invest together!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My wife has had multiple affairs over the past 10 years. She wants to put things back together; we still love each other. I'm having a hard time trusting her due to the fact that it has happened more than once. What are some things we can do to mend our relationship?

Juli: Recovering from infidelity is a long and involved process. You're right to be hesitant, given the fact that your wife has been unfaithful more than once throughout your history together. Sometimes a spouse can be in a pattern of cheating, getting caught, being remorseful, and falling into the cheating again after the marriage has gone back to "normal." In your efforts to repair your marriage, you need to make certain that you're breaking this pattern.

My guess is that you are a very forgiving person, but you may have been so quick to forgive in the past that you offered a superficial version of it. You can only forgive as much as you acknowledge the offense and the pain that it has caused you. You cannot forgive an affair in a week, in a month or maybe not even in a year. It takes time and vulnerability to understand how deeply infidelity wounds a marriage and a family.

It's also critical that you require a true change of behavior from your wife. There's a big difference between a person who is remorseful because she got caught and one who genuinely accepts responsibility for her horrendous behavior. Initially, you can't tell the difference between the two. There will be tears and promises regardless.

Your wife needs time and accountability to prove to you that this time will be different. How does she do that? This is where counseling comes into the picture. She'll be willing to work through what caused her bad decisions in the first place, and she'll be willing to abide by boundaries that a qualified marriage counselor helps you determine.

Be encouraged. Marriages do survive infidelity, even multiple affairs. However, substantial change is not easy and will require dedication and effort from both of you.

Q: When I was growing up I always received an allowance, and I'd like our school-aged kids to start earning one as well. But my husband says they need to work without being paid, because that's part of being in a family. What do you think?

Jim: There's no right or wrong answer here. Some parents offer a weekly allowance, others pay only for occasional big chores, and still others pay nothing whatsoever, choosing instead to give their kids money for purchases based on their overall attitude and helpfulness.

Whatever system you adopt, it's important to remember that one of your major goals as parents is to prepare your kids to live in the real world -- which will include earning and managing money. With that in mind, perhaps you and your husband can compromise. It's reasonable to expect kids to perform certain tasks around the house simply because they're part of the family. This might include cleaning their own rooms, picking up their toys, and taking out the trash.

On the other hand, it's a good idea to pay children for chores that demand more time and energy. Depending on your kids' ages, this might pertain to activities such as mowing the lawn, washing the car or, in the case of a responsible teenager, baby-sitting a younger sibling for the afternoon.

There are also resources available to help kids learn the value of hard work and basic money management skills. Regardless of whether you decide to start paying an allowance, it's important that you teach your kids these principles sooner rather than later. For more on helping kids manage money, visit Focus on the Family's website, Crown Financial Ministries (www.crown.org) or Dave Ramsey's website (www.daveramsey.com).

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: How can I be set free from the pain of the sexual abuse I experienced as a child? It happened a long time ago, and I've made every effort to forgive the people who violated me. But after 12 years of marriage, I still can't enjoy sex with my husband without feeling guilty.

Jim: I'm very sorry to learn of the abuse you suffered, and of the pain it continues to cause you so many years later. You're not alone. Research shows that one in four girls and one in six boys are sexually assaulted by the age of 18. The negative effects can last for years. But there is hope.

It's critical to realize that the abuse you endured was not your fault. You may have told yourself this many times, but do you believe it? It's common for victims to blame themselves for offenses perpetrated against them, whether consciously or subconsciously. Remind yourself daily that you are precious in the sight of God -- regardless of what happened to you at the hands of others.

There are several good resources to help you through this process. Consider these books: "Core Healing from Sexual Abuse" by Marti Wibbels, and "Intimate Issues" by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus.

Finally, seek the help of a trained therapist. When children are violated, their sense of trust is damaged. As a result, restoration can only take place within the context of healthy relationships. Your marriage can be an important part of this, especially if your husband is loving and patient. But the task is too big for him to tackle alone. This is a job for a skilled professional. For help locating a counselor in your area, contact Focus on the Family. May God be with you as you seek healing!

Q: My 18-year-old daughter is dating a young man that treats her disrespectfully. It seems that any advice my husband and I give her on the topic is not welcomed and turns into an argument. What are some things we can do to help her see that this young man is not the right one for her and that she deserves to be respected?

Juli: Generally, there are two reasons why your daughter may be hanging onto a guy who doesn't treat her with respect.

First, she may believe that she can't get a quality guy. Perhaps she doesn't think that she deserves better. You see all of your daughter's strengths, beauty and potential. She may have difficulty seeing what you see. It could be that she has experiences in her past (that you may not even know about) that reinforce the belief that she's "damaged" or has to "settle."

Second, your daughter may be staying with this guy in an attempt to gain some independence. If your parenting style tends to be controlling, even if your motive is love and concern, this relationship may be her way of telling you, "I can date whoever I want to! Give me space!"

Unfortunately, I've seen many women wounded by men for both of these reasons. You can make a difference, but you have to change your strategy.

Stop making statements and start asking questions. Spend time with your daughter, asking her about what she's thinking and wishing for her future. Dad, it is time for you to step up. Invest both in your daughter and in the young man she likes. Instead of rejecting him, make efforts to get to know him. Be willing to point out positive traits about him when you see them. Don't make this relationship about how you think or feel, but about how your daughter is growing and learning. It is certainly appropriate to express your concerns, but she won't be willing to hear them until you rebuild trust by listening to her.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)