Q: How can I be set free from the pain of the sexual abuse I experienced as a child? It happened a long time ago, and I've made every effort to forgive the people who violated me. But after 12 years of marriage, I still can't enjoy sex with my husband without feeling guilty.

Jim: I'm very sorry to learn of the abuse you suffered, and of the pain it continues to cause you so many years later. You're not alone. Research shows that one in four girls and one in six boys are sexually assaulted by the age of 18. The negative effects can last for years. But there is hope.

It's critical to realize that the abuse you endured was not your fault. You may have told yourself this many times, but do you believe it? It's common for victims to blame themselves for offenses perpetrated against them, whether consciously or subconsciously. Remind yourself daily that you are precious in the sight of God -- regardless of what happened to you at the hands of others.

There are several good resources to help you through this process. Consider these books: "Core Healing from Sexual Abuse" by Marti Wibbels, and "Intimate Issues" by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus.

Finally, seek the help of a trained therapist. When children are violated, their sense of trust is damaged. As a result, restoration can only take place within the context of healthy relationships. Your marriage can be an important part of this, especially if your husband is loving and patient. But the task is too big for him to tackle alone. This is a job for a skilled professional. For help locating a counselor in your area, contact Focus on the Family. May God be with you as you seek healing!

Q: My 18-year-old daughter is dating a young man that treats her disrespectfully. It seems that any advice my husband and I give her on the topic is not welcomed and turns into an argument. What are some things we can do to help her see that this young man is not the right one for her and that she deserves to be respected?

Juli: Generally, there are two reasons why your daughter may be hanging onto a guy who doesn't treat her with respect.

First, she may believe that she can't get a quality guy. Perhaps she doesn't think that she deserves better. You see all of your daughter's strengths, beauty and potential. She may have difficulty seeing what you see. It could be that she has experiences in her past (that you may not even know about) that reinforce the belief that she's "damaged" or has to "settle."

Second, your daughter may be staying with this guy in an attempt to gain some independence. If your parenting style tends to be controlling, even if your motive is love and concern, this relationship may be her way of telling you, "I can date whoever I want to! Give me space!"

Unfortunately, I've seen many women wounded by men for both of these reasons. You can make a difference, but you have to change your strategy.

Stop making statements and start asking questions. Spend time with your daughter, asking her about what she's thinking and wishing for her future. Dad, it is time for you to step up. Invest both in your daughter and in the young man she likes. Instead of rejecting him, make efforts to get to know him. Be willing to point out positive traits about him when you see them. Don't make this relationship about how you think or feel, but about how your daughter is growing and learning. It is certainly appropriate to express your concerns, but she won't be willing to hear them until you rebuild trust by listening to her.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: What is the secret to keeping New Year's resolutions? Do they ever work?

Juli: In the month of January, the gyms are filled, health food flies off the shelves and the consumption of vices decreases as people temporarily change their habits. But by February, almost every resolution has been broken! I'm sure a few people every year manage to get in shape, stop smoking, read through the Bible, and become better parents.

What's the "secret"? Some would say discipline, accountability and choosing reasonable goals. Those are certainly important ingredients to lasting change. But I think the secret is something very different: motivation.

I've seen very few people change important habits in their lives starting on Jan. 1. When the beginning of a fresh, new year prompts the desire for growth, the motivation goes only as deep as the calendar. When people truly revolutionize an area of their lives, it is because they begin to confront pain. I'm not speaking of the temporary pain of a hangover or a fight with your spouse. I'm referring to the pain of looking in the mirror and asking, "What am I doing with my life?"

Change comes when we recognize at the deepest level that the way we're currently living is causing pain for us and for others. Ironically, most of our bad habits are ways of escaping pain. Addictions like smoking and overeating temporarily relieve anxiety. Explosive anger and avoidance are attempts to avoid the agony of abandonment and rejection.

You will change when you realize that the pain of your coping is more destructive than the pain you're avoiding. And you will change when you realize that there's hope for healing. Focus on the Family exists to point you to that hope found in trusting God and His design for family and restoration. If you're ready for change and think we can help, call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY.

Q: My wife believes all three of our kids need cellphones in order to keep connected with us. But only one of them, our daughter, is even old enough to drive. Is this a good idea?

Jim: A cellphone hardly seems like a necessity for an 8-year-old. But if your daughter has reached the age of 16 and not yet begged you for a phone, I'm impressed!

There's certainly value in having your family connected via phone once your kids enter the high school years. Knowing your daughter is just a phone call or a text away can bring peace of mind. For this reason alone, we'd recommend that you allow her to get a phone.

Of course, she'll be using it for more than just emergencies or checking in. While many teens avoid using their phones for nefarious purposes, they do end up simply wasting a lot of time texting, Facebooking and so on. And there are genuine dangers, as well. You need to warn your daughter about harmful activities such as "sexting," or talking or texting while driving. One way to avoid some of this would be to go the ultra-cheap route -- either getting a voice-only plan (no data options for texting or the Web), or even finding a used "emergencies only" phone that can dial 911, without purchasing a calling plan.

Whether you get a phone only for your daughter or for every child in the family, you'll need to lay down some ground rules. Will the kids help cover the cost of your plan? If there are monthly limits on talking and texting, how will they be penalized if those limits are exceeded? Make sure the rules are laid out in advance, as well as the consequences for breaking those rules. Help your kids understand that having a phone is a privilege that can be revoked if it is abused.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My parents see birthdays and even minor holidays as an excuse to shower my kids with excessive gifts. I've tried to talk to them about this, but they don't get the message. It looks like Christmas is going to usher in another avalanche of toys from Grandma and Grandpa. What do I do?

Jim: You've probably seen those T-shirts that read, "Whatever happens at Grandma's stays at Grandma's." Doting grandparents tend to overindulge their grandkids and then send them back home -- where their parents have to deal with the fallout!

Often, there's little harm in grandparents wanting to "spoil" their grandchildren, so long as the kids understand that such occasions are regarded as the exception to the rule. But sometimes Grandma and Grandpa need to be reined in. If they're repeatedly disregarding your wishes as a parent, you may be facing something bigger than the mere doting permissiveness of adoring grandparents. You need to take decisive steps to address the problem, albeit in a loving, respectful way that will not jeopardize the positive relationship you enjoy with them.

We'd suggest that you and your spouse get a baby sitter and schedule a dinner out with your parents. Begin by letting them know how much you love and value them. Then tell them that you're working hard to raise children who are not given to self-centeredness and materialism. Explain that although you appreciate their kindness and generosity, you're beginning to feel that they are undermining your efforts by their actions. It would help if you can name specific incidents. Relate the details and tell them how these situations made you feel as a parent. Help them understand why it's important for your children to be held to a consistent standard.

They may feel hurt for a while, but it's critical that you address the issue before it gets further out of hand. Hopefully, they'll share your desire that your kids not become spoiled brats, and will fall into line accordingly.

Q: My husband travels a lot with his job and I am looking for a way to stay connected with him while he is away. Do you have any advice or suggestions that would be helpful?

Juli: There are a lot of couples in your situation for a variety of reasons, including military deployments, staggered work shifts and corporate travel. It's great that you recognize the time apart as a potential problem in your marriage and that you want to work on staying connected. Distance can easily become a marriage killer if you're not intentional about maintaining and building intimacy.

With modern technology, couples can creatively find ways to stay connected even when they can't be in the same room. Find a mode of communication that fits your personalities and relationship. Some couples use Skype, others talk on the phone or text several times a day just to send quick messages about what's happening. Other couples connect with deeper, less frequent communication. A good friend of mine keeps a journal for her husband while he is away. Every night she writes her thoughts and prayers in the journal for him to read when he gets home.

When you are home together, ruthlessly protect that time. That probably means saying "no" to some very good things. Make time to date each other, enjoy physical intimacy and talk through the business issues of marriage and family.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)