Q: What is the secret to keeping New Year's resolutions? Do they ever work?

Juli: In the month of January, the gyms are filled, health food flies off the shelves and the consumption of vices decreases as people temporarily change their habits. But by February, almost every resolution has been broken! I'm sure a few people every year manage to get in shape, stop smoking, read through the Bible, and become better parents.

What's the "secret"? Some would say discipline, accountability and choosing reasonable goals. Those are certainly important ingredients to lasting change. But I think the secret is something very different: motivation.

I've seen very few people change important habits in their lives starting on Jan. 1. When the beginning of a fresh, new year prompts the desire for growth, the motivation goes only as deep as the calendar. When people truly revolutionize an area of their lives, it is because they begin to confront pain. I'm not speaking of the temporary pain of a hangover or a fight with your spouse. I'm referring to the pain of looking in the mirror and asking, "What am I doing with my life?"

Change comes when we recognize at the deepest level that the way we're currently living is causing pain for us and for others. Ironically, most of our bad habits are ways of escaping pain. Addictions like smoking and overeating temporarily relieve anxiety. Explosive anger and avoidance are attempts to avoid the agony of abandonment and rejection.

You will change when you realize that the pain of your coping is more destructive than the pain you're avoiding. And you will change when you realize that there's hope for healing. Focus on the Family exists to point you to that hope found in trusting God and His design for family and restoration. If you're ready for change and think we can help, call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY.

Q: My wife believes all three of our kids need cellphones in order to keep connected with us. But only one of them, our daughter, is even old enough to drive. Is this a good idea?

Jim: A cellphone hardly seems like a necessity for an 8-year-old. But if your daughter has reached the age of 16 and not yet begged you for a phone, I'm impressed!

There's certainly value in having your family connected via phone once your kids enter the high school years. Knowing your daughter is just a phone call or a text away can bring peace of mind. For this reason alone, we'd recommend that you allow her to get a phone.

Of course, she'll be using it for more than just emergencies or checking in. While many teens avoid using their phones for nefarious purposes, they do end up simply wasting a lot of time texting, Facebooking and so on. And there are genuine dangers, as well. You need to warn your daughter about harmful activities such as "sexting," or talking or texting while driving. One way to avoid some of this would be to go the ultra-cheap route -- either getting a voice-only plan (no data options for texting or the Web), or even finding a used "emergencies only" phone that can dial 911, without purchasing a calling plan.

Whether you get a phone only for your daughter or for every child in the family, you'll need to lay down some ground rules. Will the kids help cover the cost of your plan? If there are monthly limits on talking and texting, how will they be penalized if those limits are exceeded? Make sure the rules are laid out in advance, as well as the consequences for breaking those rules. Help your kids understand that having a phone is a privilege that can be revoked if it is abused.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My parents see birthdays and even minor holidays as an excuse to shower my kids with excessive gifts. I've tried to talk to them about this, but they don't get the message. It looks like Christmas is going to usher in another avalanche of toys from Grandma and Grandpa. What do I do?

Jim: You've probably seen those T-shirts that read, "Whatever happens at Grandma's stays at Grandma's." Doting grandparents tend to overindulge their grandkids and then send them back home -- where their parents have to deal with the fallout!

Often, there's little harm in grandparents wanting to "spoil" their grandchildren, so long as the kids understand that such occasions are regarded as the exception to the rule. But sometimes Grandma and Grandpa need to be reined in. If they're repeatedly disregarding your wishes as a parent, you may be facing something bigger than the mere doting permissiveness of adoring grandparents. You need to take decisive steps to address the problem, albeit in a loving, respectful way that will not jeopardize the positive relationship you enjoy with them.

We'd suggest that you and your spouse get a baby sitter and schedule a dinner out with your parents. Begin by letting them know how much you love and value them. Then tell them that you're working hard to raise children who are not given to self-centeredness and materialism. Explain that although you appreciate their kindness and generosity, you're beginning to feel that they are undermining your efforts by their actions. It would help if you can name specific incidents. Relate the details and tell them how these situations made you feel as a parent. Help them understand why it's important for your children to be held to a consistent standard.

They may feel hurt for a while, but it's critical that you address the issue before it gets further out of hand. Hopefully, they'll share your desire that your kids not become spoiled brats, and will fall into line accordingly.

Q: My husband travels a lot with his job and I am looking for a way to stay connected with him while he is away. Do you have any advice or suggestions that would be helpful?

Juli: There are a lot of couples in your situation for a variety of reasons, including military deployments, staggered work shifts and corporate travel. It's great that you recognize the time apart as a potential problem in your marriage and that you want to work on staying connected. Distance can easily become a marriage killer if you're not intentional about maintaining and building intimacy.

With modern technology, couples can creatively find ways to stay connected even when they can't be in the same room. Find a mode of communication that fits your personalities and relationship. Some couples use Skype, others talk on the phone or text several times a day just to send quick messages about what's happening. Other couples connect with deeper, less frequent communication. A good friend of mine keeps a journal for her husband while he is away. Every night she writes her thoughts and prayers in the journal for him to read when he gets home.

When you are home together, ruthlessly protect that time. That probably means saying "no" to some very good things. Make time to date each other, enjoy physical intimacy and talk through the business issues of marriage and family.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My husband and I have a tradition of getting each other something really nice each Christmas, like jewelry or electronics. However, money is tight this year. How can I give my husband something special without breaking the bank?

Jim: Don't underestimate the power of the homemade gift! In fact, author Dena Dyer says, "Ask anyone to name a favorite gift that he or she has received and you'll probably hear 'the drawing my child did of me' or 'the poem my husband wrote to propose.' Handmade and creative presents are often the most meaningful."

Here are a few of Dyer's economical suggestions:

1) Frame a picture of your spouse in a blank photo mat. Surround the picture with written compliments. List the qualities you adore about him or her, including the little things that usually go unnoticed.

2) Leave short love notes around the house: "You warm my heart" on the oven, "Thanks for putting up with me" on the coat rack, and so on.

3) If you're musically inclined, compose and perform a song for your mate. Consider surprising your spouse with a performance in front of other people.

4) Does he usually clean the kitchen after you cook? Do both chores one night, and let him put his feet up. Is she the carpool and breakfast-and-lunch-making queen? Volunteer to take her shift, so she can sleep in.

5) Remember "mix tapes"? Do the same thing with a computer or digital recorder, alternating favorite songs with spoken memories.

6) Write a love poem -- it doesn't have to be a masterpiece. Try an acrostic: Write your loved one's name vertically and list adjectives that begin with each letter.

You can find Dena Dyer's full list at focusonthefamily.com. It might not seem as glamorous, but I'm guessing a heartfelt, handmade gift from you will be appreciated for years to come, long after an electronic gadget becomes outdated and boring.

Q: Our son, who is 11, was caught stealing. This seems to be an ongoing issue. I am at a loss as to what I need to do. What would be a fair punishment to give him?

Juli: Often, parents are tempted to respond to all bad behaviors in the same way. For example, they use the same punishment for arguing with a sibling as they do for a serious problem like stealing. Parents need to clearly distinguish between childish behavior (such as bouncing a ball in the house or not doing chores) and character issues (such as honesty and respect for others).

To address this issue with your son, you need to communicate to him that stealing is a very serious moral offense. Trying the same old speech or grounding him from video games for yet another week will not get his attention. Your words, and the consequences you give him, should set this apart as a severe infraction. You might even remind him that if he were to steal as an adult (in just a few years) he could go to jail. This is no small matter. I think it is very appropriate to require your son to apologize face-to-face to the person from whom he stole.

I'm also a big believer in the punishment fitting the crime. The Bible tells the story of Zacchaeus, a tax collector who was stealing money from his fellow citizens. Once he realized the crime he had committed, Zacchaeus repaid his victims four times what he had taken. Perhaps your son needs to feel the pain he has inflicted by giving away some of his most prized possessions. That is a consequence he won't soon forget.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)