Q: My son got in trouble for fighting at school. My husband doesn't think it's a big deal -- in fact, I think he's proud of him for being tough. How do we resolve this?

Juli: Both you and your husband may have valid arguments. Your husband's desire to instill confidence and toughness and your desire to see compassion and respect do not have to contradict. Both are worthy parenting goals and both can be considered in how you respond.

Regardless of how the school is handling the incident, your goal as a parent is to train your son and to use this as an opportunity to teach lifelong character lessons like respect and self-control, and consequences for impulsive actions. The fight itself isn't as important as what your son needs to take away from the event.

With that in mind, you need to have an accurate account of what happened during the incident at school. This will probably involve talking to the principal, the teachers who witnessed the fight, and possibly even the parents of the other children involved. See if you can ascertain answers to the following questions: Was your son a victim who stood up for himself? Did he instigate the conflict? Was it an impulsive reaction to an insult, or was this conflict something that had been brewing for weeks?

Once you have an accurate understanding of what happened, you need to address two issues with your son. First, what did he do wrong? Even if the conflict was only 10 percent his fault, help him embrace responsibility. Even if it was reasonable for him to stand up for himself and fight back, choosing to do so comes with consequences to both him and to others. Part of "becoming a man" is accepting the consequences of his choices. The second issue is the question, "What can you do differently if something like this happens again?" Help him think about alternative ways of setting boundaries, asking for help, talking through conflicts, or standing up to bullies.

Q: Our toddler has become mobile, and it's killing our romance in the bedroom. My wife is often afraid that he'll barge in on us, although that has never actually happened. How can we prevent an interruption -- or at least convince my wife that it's not likely to happen?

Jim: Sex can be a challenge when you have kids at home. You never know who may be tiptoeing just outside the bedroom door! Most married couples probably have at least one time when, just as things are warming up, they hear a little voice in the hall: "Mommy! Daddy! Are you in there?"

There are a number of things you can do to keep the spark alive if you're in this stage of life. First, talk with your spouse about your expectations. As you know, women tend to be more fearful of being discovered by the kids. Spouses need to work together to create an environment that's comfortable for both parties.

Also, think of ways to avoid discovery. Can you put a lock on the bedroom door? Maybe you can dig out that old baby monitor and set it up as a sort of "early warning system."

Despite your best efforts, a surprise interruption may occur. If so, protect your son's innocence as much as possible. You and your wife might want to agree on a response beforehand, something like, "After all these years, we still love each other and sometimes get excited to spend time together."

Having kids doesn't mean saying farewell to marital intimacy. In fact, it's critical that you make time for sex during the child-rearing years. It's an important part of a healthy marriage.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My fifth-grade daughter has always loved school, but not this year. She cries every morning, begging to stay home. A group of girls who used to be her friends have started teasing and excluding her. It breaks my heart! What can I do?

Juli: When they hear the word "bullying," most people think of boys getting shoved in lockers or beat up on the playground. As your daughter is unfortunately learning, girls can be just as vicious. In handling a bully situation, you have to find the right balance of protecting, equipping and counteracting.

In your daughter's case, protecting means setting up a conference with her teacher to make sure he or she is aware of the situation. It might also mean contacting one or more of the other girls' parents to discuss what is happening. In extreme situations, protecting your daughter could potentially include removing her from the environment.

Unfortunately, what your daughter is facing is pretty normal in groups of adolescent girls. Even if she were in a different class or different school, she'd be likely to encounter at least some teasing and rejection. You want to use the opportunity to teach her assertiveness and coping skills. You may even role-play with her what to say and do when someone teases or rejects her. Watching and discussing a movie together, like "You Again" or "Back to the Future," can be a nonthreatening way to talk through how she feels and to address coping with bullies.

Finally, be intentional to counteract the effect the bullying is having on her. Help her find friends or a social group where she is accepted and affirmed. The early adolescent years are traumatic for most kids. Your unconditional love and encouragement will be key to getting your daughter through.

Q: My teenage son recently got a friend request on Facebook from a woman who was completely naked in her profile picture. He swears he doesn't know this person, and I believe him. To me, it looks more like an X-rated ad disguised as a "friend request." Can you shed any light on this?

Jim: First, you're to be commended for keeping tabs on your son's online interactions. Companies that peddle online pornography have become adept at advertising their wares on social networking sites, and it's critical that parents remain in the loop.

It's likely your son's "friend request" was indeed an ad for online porn, but there's another sinister possibility. One recent study suggests that prostitutes are now promoting their services by setting up Facebook accounts. A professor at Columbia University interviewed nearly 300 New York City prostitutes and made this startling discovery. With the tighter restrictions on adult ads on Craigslist, many prostitutes were moving their operations over to Facebook. In fact, 83 percent of the prostitutes interviewed said they had a Facebook page. The professor estimated that Facebook would be the leading online recruitment space for prostitutes by the end of 2011.

In fairness, Facebook has restrictions in place that prohibit pornographic material and other obscene content. However, there's no way to prevent a prostitute from opening an account, or to prevent someone -- anyone -- from posting explicit photos. Ideally, Facebook will take action on that content once it is brought to light, but by that point, numerous users, including your son, may have already been exposed to it.

I'm not suggesting that we make our kids delete their social networking accounts. But we do need to make sure we're aware of how they're using them, and that they have the necessary security and privacy settings in place. We'd never let them go wandering alone in the red light district. Unfortunately, the red light district is creeping into their online world.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: I'm not one of those women who are attracted to "dangerous" guys, but I'm beginning to question my judgment. Few of my relationships survive past the second or third date, at which point I usually shut things down due to serious concerns about my boyfriend's character. Am I being too picky?

Jim: Expecting your boyfriends to exhibit good character is not "picky" -- it's smart. That said, it's also understandable that you're growing frustrated by a string of misses on the dating front.

Author Shana Schutte has developed a list of qualities every single should look for in a "safe date." She identifies "safe dates" as individuals who are likely to turn into responsible and loving spouses if the relationship progresses.

First, a safe date will respect your boundaries. If you ask your boyfriend not to call after 11 p.m., and yet he repeatedly does so, he's not respecting your boundaries. And if he doesn't respect you in this one area, he likely won't respect you in others.

Second, a safe person will not treat you like a child. Some women fail to differentiate between men who are confident leaders and those who simply want to be controlling. If your date acts like you can't be trusted to make your own decisions, it might be time to move on.

Schutte also suggests that a safe person will forgive you, not condemn you. We all make mistakes in relationships. If your significant other holds a grudge even after you've apologized, you might want to reconsider the relationship. And of course, safe dates are also willing to admit their own faults, rather than blame others.

Finally -- and this should be a no-brainer -- a safe date is responsible. If your boyfriend is constantly in financial trouble or switching jobs due to his own poor choices, he's probably not marriage material. May God bless you with patience and perseverance as you navigate the adventurous world of dating!

Q: Every fall, my wife and I have the same argument. She signs the kids up for every activity imaginable. It seems like we spend every weeknight and weekend shuttling them to parties, practices and meetings. I just want some peace and quiet time with our family. How can I get through to her?

Juli: This honestly sounds like a question my husband could have submitted. I admit that I'm the mom who doesn't want her kids to miss out on anything. However, over the years I have begun to see the wisdom of my husband's protests.

The answer is the magic word, "balance." Kids who are involved in some extracurricular activities do better academically, socially and emotionally. However, too much of a good thing can spell disaster. When schedules interfere with family dinner and time together, all measures of adjustment for kids plummet (as Jim noted in last week's column). That's in addition to the stress busyness creates for marriage.

When you approach this topic with your wife, communicate how much you appreciate her commitment to the kids. She is over-scheduling because she wants to be a great mom, not because she loves driving her minivan eight hours a day.

The best way to find the right balance is to set up ground rules that you both think are reasonable. For example, you might agree that each child can be involved in one extracurricular activity at a time. Or you commit to having dinner together as a family at least four evenings a week. The most important thing you can give your children is a stable family. Doing so will require saying "no" to some great opportunities.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.