Q: My neighbor's son has repeatedly been caught viewing pornography on their computer, and he almost has her convinced that it's just another form of entertainment and that "all the guys do it." How can I help her get through to her son -- and convince them both that this is a serious issue?

Jim: This is one of the most critical problems facing families, because pornography is so easily accessible to anyone with a computer or a smart phone. Every day at Focus on the Family, we hear from people torn apart by porn. As soon as possible, I'd encourage your neighbor and her son to seek help from a counselor or pastor.

How can you convince them to take this step? There is a wide range of sociological evidence pointing to the destructive influence of pornography. In other words, this isn't just an issue of concern for so-called "religious people." Time magazine recently reported: "In recent years, a number of psychologists and sociologists have joined the chorus of religious and political opponents in warning about the impact of pervasive pornography. They argue that porn is transforming sexuality and relationships -- for the worse."

Consider, for example, a 2003 study by the Matrimonial Lawyers Association. It found that 56 percent of divorce cases involve one partner with an obsessive interest in pornography. Marriage (and divorce) may be the last thing on your neighbor's son's mind at this point, but he's fooling himself if he thinks he'll be able to easily ditch his porn habit after getting married. And his ability to form healthy dating relationships in the years leading up to marriage will be seriously hindered as well.

Behind the statistics, there are scores of real people whose lives have been damaged by porn. It's not a joke. It's not entertainment. It destroys families, it shatters marriages, it degrades both men and women, and it distorts the God-given gift of sex. Implore your friend and her son to seek help through a qualified family therapist. It's one of the most important decisions they can make at this critical point in his life.

Q: My husband has a habit of keeping secrets from me or lying to me about little things. He'll tell me that he had to work late when he actually went to see a movie with friends. Or he won't tell me about a bonus he got at work. He's a good husband and a moral person, but his lack of honesty makes me wonder if he's keeping bigger secrets.

Juli: I can understand why your husband's habit of deceit bothers you. Whether it is a big or little area, his lack of honesty undermines trust in your relationship. From how you've described the situation, your husband's "little white lies" are inconsistent with his character. Perhaps he's behaving this way with you as a means of avoiding conflict or asserting independence.

Your husband may feel like he doesn't have the freedom to make decisions like going out with his friends or spending a little extra money. He may have learned as a child to respond to feeling controlled by being "passive-aggressive." In other words, he wouldn't stand up to his parents or say "no," but he would quietly and secretly do his own thing. Your husband has probably transferred this approach into your marriage. Rather than call and explain to you that he wants to go out to a movie, he avoids the conversation and potential conflict by doing what he wants and covering it with a lie.

Although the "issues" at hand are small, they represent larger problems in your marriage dynamics that need to be discussed and resolved. A few sessions with a marriage counselor can help you identify and address these dynamics.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My parents never had "the sex talk" with me, and I seemed to turn out just fine. Now I'm wondering whether to delve into this issue in great detail with my own teenagers. Won't I just drive them away if I'm too heavy-handed about it?

Jim: Your kids are likely receiving a wide range of messages on sexuality from their peers, from school and especially from the media. But have you considered what those messages are saying? Your children need your wise counsel, based on your family's own values and convictions.

Saying "my kids won't listen to me" is no excuse. In fact, they may be listening more closely than you think. A Canadian study from the University of Montreal suggests that many teens look first to their parents for this information, rather than to their peers or the media.

The researchers surveyed almost 1,200 teens between the ages of 14 and 17. Surprisingly, 45 percent of them considered their parents to be their role models in regards to sexuality, compared to just 32 percent who looked to their peers. And only 15 percent said that their views on sex were most influenced by celebrities.

That runs counter to our thinking as parents. We're afraid that our kids will ignore our wise counsel in favor of the hedonism on display all around them. And certainly, that can happen. But the Canadian study shows that this isn't always the case.

If you're not worried about the unhealthy messages your teens are receiving -- you should be! But don't lose hope. Take some time to talk openly with your kids about sexual issues, and encourage them to save sex for marriage. There may be a lot of voices competing for their attention, but yours is the one they most need to hear.

Q: What do I do when my spouse is unwilling to compromise or discuss an issue that we don't agree on?

Juli: An unwillingness to compromise or discuss an issue represents a difficult roadblock. Marriage experts call this "stonewalling" and recognize that it is a very destructive way of avoiding conflict. Without knowing more about your situation, I hesitate to give specific advice, but here are some things to consider.

The first step to overcoming a significant communication barrier is to honestly ask if you've done something to shut down the process. For instance, a woman might be unwilling to talk about the budget because every time it comes up, she feels belittled or controlled by her husband. Or a husband may never want to talk about his weight gain because he feels humiliated by his wife's nagging.

Often, people stonewall when they believe conflict is emotionally unsafe. Has there been a negative pattern in the past that might leave your spouse concluding that the only option is to "shut down"? If so, take responsibility for that and offer to approach the topic with a different tone, perhaps with the help of a neutral third party.

If your spouse remains unwilling to discuss or compromise, you need to discern how big an issue this is. Is it something you can live with, like what temperature to keep the bedroom at night or whether or not to buy a flat-screen TV? You might decide to just let it go.

On the other hand, some issues in marriage cannot be overlooked or ignored, particularly those involving trust or character. In this situation, I'd encourage you to work with a counselor to consider creating a "crisis." When a person is unwilling to talk through an issue, creating a crisis means changing the environment so that it must be addressed. This might include a temporary physical or emotional separation for the expressed purpose of highlighting the importance of the issue that needs to be resolved.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: As a grandparent, is there anything I can do to help our grandchildren cope with the divorce of their parents? It has been devastating to them.

Juli: As much as you may feel like you're on the sidelines in this situation, you can actually make a very big difference in your grandchildren's lives.

One of the strongest predictors of how children cope through divorce is stability. Divorce is like an earthquake to children. The one thing in life that should be immovable is no longer stable. Along with Mom and Dad splitting, they are carted between homes, they often lose relationships with family friends and extended family, and sometimes they even change school districts. You can be a source of stability when everything else seems to be shifting.

Parents going through the divorce process are typically so anxious and overwhelmed by their own trauma that they lack the resources to invest in their kids. As a consequence, the children can feel rejected by one or both parents. Stereotypically, it is Dad who loses touch with his kids through divorce, but it can also be Mom. In either case, children of divorce need an adult who invests in them, believes in them and models healthy masculinity or femininity. Practically speaking, go to their games and concerts. Have them over and ask about their friends, hobbies and schoolwork.

Try to be the one adult who doesn't take sides. You probably have strong opinions and feelings about who is responsible for the divorce. Keep those beliefs to yourself. In the wake of divorce, children are often being pitted against the adults in their lives. As difficult as it may be, encourage your grandchildren's love for both their mom and their dad.

Q: I have two boys, ages 5 and 7, and they're constantly fighting over toys, over which DVD to watch and so on. How do I diffuse this behavior? They're really sweet when they're not trying to get the upper hand on one another.

Jim: Every parent with more than one child at home has to confront the specter of sibling rivalry at some point. My wife and I have certainly had to address it with our own boys! Thankfully, though, there are some steps you can take to keep competition and animosity in check.

Author Grace Stopani has developed a list of five steps to address sibling rivalry. Here they are:

1) Teach your kids mutual respect. Don't allow them to insult one another. Mean words and actions coming from a brother or sister can hurt deeply.

2) Don't play favorites. All children are created equal, but not all are the same. Recognize each child's individual skills and strengths without implying that one is somehow better than the other.

3) Teach your kids conflict management. Don't deny their feelings, but help them learn to express their emotions in the proper way. It's not wrong for your sons to become frustrated with one another from time to time. But there are good ways and bad ways for them to deal with it.

4) Don't ignore good behavior. Of course you need to intervene when they're behaving badly, but you should also reward them with praise when they're getting along. Be sure each child receives a healthy dose of your time and interest.

5) Show appreciation for who your children are, not what they do. If a child feels valued merely for his performance, he'll feel the need to prove his worth. Foster your boys' self-esteem by praising their God-given traits, such as compassion or a tender heart.

It won't always be easy, but remembering these guidelines can help restore a measure of peace. God bless you in this important calling!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.