Q: My parents never had "the sex talk" with me, and I seemed to turn out just fine. Now I'm wondering whether to delve into this issue in great detail with my own teenagers. Won't I just drive them away if I'm too heavy-handed about it?

Jim: Your kids are likely receiving a wide range of messages on sexuality from their peers, from school and especially from the media. But have you considered what those messages are saying? Your children need your wise counsel, based on your family's own values and convictions.

Saying "my kids won't listen to me" is no excuse. In fact, they may be listening more closely than you think. A Canadian study from the University of Montreal suggests that many teens look first to their parents for this information, rather than to their peers or the media.

The researchers surveyed almost 1,200 teens between the ages of 14 and 17. Surprisingly, 45 percent of them considered their parents to be their role models in regards to sexuality, compared to just 32 percent who looked to their peers. And only 15 percent said that their views on sex were most influenced by celebrities.

That runs counter to our thinking as parents. We're afraid that our kids will ignore our wise counsel in favor of the hedonism on display all around them. And certainly, that can happen. But the Canadian study shows that this isn't always the case.

If you're not worried about the unhealthy messages your teens are receiving -- you should be! But don't lose hope. Take some time to talk openly with your kids about sexual issues, and encourage them to save sex for marriage. There may be a lot of voices competing for their attention, but yours is the one they most need to hear.

Q: What do I do when my spouse is unwilling to compromise or discuss an issue that we don't agree on?

Juli: An unwillingness to compromise or discuss an issue represents a difficult roadblock. Marriage experts call this "stonewalling" and recognize that it is a very destructive way of avoiding conflict. Without knowing more about your situation, I hesitate to give specific advice, but here are some things to consider.

The first step to overcoming a significant communication barrier is to honestly ask if you've done something to shut down the process. For instance, a woman might be unwilling to talk about the budget because every time it comes up, she feels belittled or controlled by her husband. Or a husband may never want to talk about his weight gain because he feels humiliated by his wife's nagging.

Often, people stonewall when they believe conflict is emotionally unsafe. Has there been a negative pattern in the past that might leave your spouse concluding that the only option is to "shut down"? If so, take responsibility for that and offer to approach the topic with a different tone, perhaps with the help of a neutral third party.

If your spouse remains unwilling to discuss or compromise, you need to discern how big an issue this is. Is it something you can live with, like what temperature to keep the bedroom at night or whether or not to buy a flat-screen TV? You might decide to just let it go.

On the other hand, some issues in marriage cannot be overlooked or ignored, particularly those involving trust or character. In this situation, I'd encourage you to work with a counselor to consider creating a "crisis." When a person is unwilling to talk through an issue, creating a crisis means changing the environment so that it must be addressed. This might include a temporary physical or emotional separation for the expressed purpose of highlighting the importance of the issue that needs to be resolved.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: As a grandparent, is there anything I can do to help our grandchildren cope with the divorce of their parents? It has been devastating to them.

Juli: As much as you may feel like you're on the sidelines in this situation, you can actually make a very big difference in your grandchildren's lives.

One of the strongest predictors of how children cope through divorce is stability. Divorce is like an earthquake to children. The one thing in life that should be immovable is no longer stable. Along with Mom and Dad splitting, they are carted between homes, they often lose relationships with family friends and extended family, and sometimes they even change school districts. You can be a source of stability when everything else seems to be shifting.

Parents going through the divorce process are typically so anxious and overwhelmed by their own trauma that they lack the resources to invest in their kids. As a consequence, the children can feel rejected by one or both parents. Stereotypically, it is Dad who loses touch with his kids through divorce, but it can also be Mom. In either case, children of divorce need an adult who invests in them, believes in them and models healthy masculinity or femininity. Practically speaking, go to their games and concerts. Have them over and ask about their friends, hobbies and schoolwork.

Try to be the one adult who doesn't take sides. You probably have strong opinions and feelings about who is responsible for the divorce. Keep those beliefs to yourself. In the wake of divorce, children are often being pitted against the adults in their lives. As difficult as it may be, encourage your grandchildren's love for both their mom and their dad.

Q: I have two boys, ages 5 and 7, and they're constantly fighting over toys, over which DVD to watch and so on. How do I diffuse this behavior? They're really sweet when they're not trying to get the upper hand on one another.

Jim: Every parent with more than one child at home has to confront the specter of sibling rivalry at some point. My wife and I have certainly had to address it with our own boys! Thankfully, though, there are some steps you can take to keep competition and animosity in check.

Author Grace Stopani has developed a list of five steps to address sibling rivalry. Here they are:

1) Teach your kids mutual respect. Don't allow them to insult one another. Mean words and actions coming from a brother or sister can hurt deeply.

2) Don't play favorites. All children are created equal, but not all are the same. Recognize each child's individual skills and strengths without implying that one is somehow better than the other.

3) Teach your kids conflict management. Don't deny their feelings, but help them learn to express their emotions in the proper way. It's not wrong for your sons to become frustrated with one another from time to time. But there are good ways and bad ways for them to deal with it.

4) Don't ignore good behavior. Of course you need to intervene when they're behaving badly, but you should also reward them with praise when they're getting along. Be sure each child receives a healthy dose of your time and interest.

5) Show appreciation for who your children are, not what they do. If a child feels valued merely for his performance, he'll feel the need to prove his worth. Foster your boys' self-esteem by praising their God-given traits, such as compassion or a tender heart.

It won't always be easy, but remembering these guidelines can help restore a measure of peace. God bless you in this important calling!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: I really struggle to have a positive outlook, and always seem to dwell on the negative aspects of life. Is there something I can do to help me be more positive about things?

Juli: Winston Churchill once said, "Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference." Your outlook on life often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if you see only the negative aspects of your spouse, your marriage will deteriorate. It's great that you recognize this as a problem and that you want to do something to change it.

Part of changing your attitude is being intentional about what you focus on. If you make a point to look at the blessings in your life, you will begin to feel more thankful. A good friend of mine recommends keeping a "thankful journal" to write down the blessings of each day. You can be thankful for your health, for a roof over your head, for the friend that called you, or for the fact that your child took out the trash without being asked.

Obviously, there are times throughout the day to tackle difficulties. Being positive doesn't mean avoiding conflict or the realities of your life. Compartmentalizing problem-solving can keep you from dwelling on the negative throughout the day. Give yourself a set time daily to think, pray or journal about the things that bother you. When that time is over, be intentional about noticing the positive.

Another helpful tool is called "thought stopping." Every time you find yourself dwelling on something negative, have a catchphrase that you say to yourself, such as, "I'm not going there," or perhaps just a word, such as "blessings."

If your negative thoughts are still overwhelming, you may want to talk them through with a good friend or counselor.

Q: A family of refugees from Africa recently moved into a house near ours, and I want to make them feel welcome. But they seem really shy, and I'm sure they don't trust me. How can I build a relationship with them?

Jim: First, let me commend you for your desire to reach out. You say this family doesn't "trust" you, but put yourself in their shoes for a moment. Can you imagine trying to make it in a country where you had no job, no car, no money, and you didn't even speak the language? I wonder if I'd survive a day in that environment.

But that's the reality for hundreds of thousands of refugees who have arrived in the United States in recent years. They have left behind friends, family members and the familiarity of home to find a new start.

There's no substitute for putting a smile on your face and simply walking across the street to say, "Welcome." Don't worry about the language barrier or the cultural divide -- a smile speaks volumes in any language.

Also, remember that refugee families don't settle in America on their own -- there is likely an agency in your area that is helping with housing, food and other basic needs during their first few months in the U.S. Contact this agency and ask how you can best reach out to this family on a practical level. There are likely many volunteer opportunities available. You might be just the person to help someone find his or her first job or learn English. Check with your local library or other organizations about English as a Second Language (ESL) classes, job skills training, and so on.

Make it a family effort, too. My wife and I want to give our boys examples of the "love your neighbor" principle in action. You don't have to be an expert in cross-cultural relations. You just need to be willing to be a friend to those who are often overlooked.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.