Q: I really struggle to have a positive outlook, and always seem to dwell on the negative aspects of life. Is there something I can do to help me be more positive about things?

Juli: Winston Churchill once said, "Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference." Your outlook on life often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if you see only the negative aspects of your spouse, your marriage will deteriorate. It's great that you recognize this as a problem and that you want to do something to change it.

Part of changing your attitude is being intentional about what you focus on. If you make a point to look at the blessings in your life, you will begin to feel more thankful. A good friend of mine recommends keeping a "thankful journal" to write down the blessings of each day. You can be thankful for your health, for a roof over your head, for the friend that called you, or for the fact that your child took out the trash without being asked.

Obviously, there are times throughout the day to tackle difficulties. Being positive doesn't mean avoiding conflict or the realities of your life. Compartmentalizing problem-solving can keep you from dwelling on the negative throughout the day. Give yourself a set time daily to think, pray or journal about the things that bother you. When that time is over, be intentional about noticing the positive.

Another helpful tool is called "thought stopping." Every time you find yourself dwelling on something negative, have a catchphrase that you say to yourself, such as, "I'm not going there," or perhaps just a word, such as "blessings."

If your negative thoughts are still overwhelming, you may want to talk them through with a good friend or counselor.

Q: A family of refugees from Africa recently moved into a house near ours, and I want to make them feel welcome. But they seem really shy, and I'm sure they don't trust me. How can I build a relationship with them?

Jim: First, let me commend you for your desire to reach out. You say this family doesn't "trust" you, but put yourself in their shoes for a moment. Can you imagine trying to make it in a country where you had no job, no car, no money, and you didn't even speak the language? I wonder if I'd survive a day in that environment.

But that's the reality for hundreds of thousands of refugees who have arrived in the United States in recent years. They have left behind friends, family members and the familiarity of home to find a new start.

There's no substitute for putting a smile on your face and simply walking across the street to say, "Welcome." Don't worry about the language barrier or the cultural divide -- a smile speaks volumes in any language.

Also, remember that refugee families don't settle in America on their own -- there is likely an agency in your area that is helping with housing, food and other basic needs during their first few months in the U.S. Contact this agency and ask how you can best reach out to this family on a practical level. There are likely many volunteer opportunities available. You might be just the person to help someone find his or her first job or learn English. Check with your local library or other organizations about English as a Second Language (ESL) classes, job skills training, and so on.

Make it a family effort, too. My wife and I want to give our boys examples of the "love your neighbor" principle in action. You don't have to be an expert in cross-cultural relations. You just need to be willing to be a friend to those who are often overlooked.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: One year ago, my husband admitted to an affair with someone at his office. He's truly sorry and has made every effort to restore my trust in him. But I don't trust him. Every time the phone rings, I wonder if it's another woman. I've even considered driving to his office unannounced to make sure he's "behaving." How do I break out of this way of thinking?

Jim: You don't mention whether you and your husband are seeing a marriage counselor or a pastor about the challenges you're facing. If you haven't done so, we encourage you to seek professional counsel together. Few marital problems are as devastating as infidelity, and it's not a sign of surrender to seek outside help.

As for your inability to trust, you're not alone. Victims of affairs often feel an overwhelming sense of suspicion toward their spouses. Everything is interpreted through the lens of betrayal -- their spouses' choice of clothing, or even the slightest deviation from their daily routine. The paranoia can be so intense that many spouses will check in on their partners repeatedly throughout the day in order to monitor their every move.

To people who have been emotionally devastated, such behavior seems rational. It's an attempt to gain control over circumstances that seem wildly out of their control. The trouble is, it doesn't strengthen people; it weakens them.

Tracking your spouse's every movement will keep you trapped in a cycle of fear and suspicion, which will likely only drive you into depression. A more healthy solution is to reach out for support from a counselor, family members and friends, and slowly learn to accept that you can't control your spouse or monitor his every move.

Releasing control in this way may sound terrifying. But the fact is, there's only one person you can control: you. Coming to terms with this reality will allow you to devote your energy to moving forward in life with dignity and healing.

Q: My teen daughter prefers to hang out with her guy friends. She has only a couple of girlfriends but doesn't do much with them. Is this something I should be concerned about?

Juli: There are generally two reasons why a teen girl would be more inclined to connect with guy friends. One is cause for concern; the other is not. Let's start with the benign situation:

Teen girls can be very catty and even downright mean. They've been known to gossip about even their closest friends. Typically, they're competitive with each other about fashion, weight and boyfriends. Some girls simply want to avoid the emotional drama of the teen-girl scene. They find boys much simpler and pleasant to hang out with. If this is the reason your daughter prefers her guy friends, it could actually be a sign of maturity.

On the other hand, some teen girls hang out with guys due to insecurity and a need for male attention. Often, a girl with this motivation has an unhealthy relationship with her father. Emotionally, she's looking for the acceptance and validation that she has not received at home. If your daughter is drawn toward guys for this reason, she's likely to become involved romantically and sexually with them. This is a warning sign for you to intervene as a parent.

How do you discern between the two motivations? Observe your daughter's dress and behavior when she's with "the guys." Do her relationships look like good-natured, brother-sister friendships? Or is she flirtatious? You might also consider asking your daughter why she finds it more fun to hang out with guys.

In either case, be willing to help her process issues related to friendships and keep your connection to her strong.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My husband lost his job a year ago. He's been able to pick up a few odd jobs, but my job has become the steady income for our family. Instead of thanking me for working, he almost seems resentful that I'm having success at work. How should I handle this?

Juli: I certainly understand your agitation. You've taken on a burden for your family and feel unappreciated.

What is difficult, but critical, for you to understand is how devastated your husband likely is about his job situation. Being unemployed and unable to provide for their family is a very serious blow to most men. Although your husband may not articulate what he's going through, he is likely struggling with feelings of worthlessness and depression. Even if he loves you and is proud of you, your success at work feels like salt in a wound. In his mind, you're succeeding where he has failed.

Your husband desperately needs your encouragement during this season. Remind him that he is the same man you fell in love with -- that his job situation doesn't change who he is. Tell him how much you appreciate his desire and effort to provide for the family. Recognize the many other ways he takes care of you, like managing the house, meeting your emotional needs, being a good father, etc. Help him find unique ways he can use his abilities while he is looking for work. For example, he can volunteer, get more involved with what your kids are doing, work toward a degree, or complete a project he's never had time for. These activities can help him feel like he's moving forward and contributing rather than being "stuck."

Unemployment can be a serious risk to marital dynamics. The most important element of making it through together is for your husband to always know you believe in him -- that you are on the same team and never competing.

Q: My grandkids spend so much time texting and emailing that it boggles my mind. I read an article suggesting that using electronic gadgets too much can impede brain function. Can you shed any light on this?

Jim: Most of us spend too much time with our smart phones and other toys, even with all their benefits. And you're right -- studies show that unplugging from these devices is good for your brain!

Scientists are discovering that being over-stimulated by emails, texts and other constant distractions can actually change the way people think and behave. Humans are designed to respond to immediate stimulation. When that happens, the brain releases dopamine, which causes us to feel excitement. It's a natural reaction, but when we fuel it with several hours a day of texts, tweets, and Web surfing, the feeling can become an addiction. That same overstimulation can also inhibit creativity and deep thought, not to mention interrupting normal work and family life.

Sometimes we make excuses for our electronic interruptions by claiming we're "multitasking." But again, research shows that heavy multitaskers have more trouble focusing and shutting out irrelevant information. They also experience more stress. Even after the multitasking ends, their thinking can remain muddled and unfocused. Researchers compare this electronic overload to an addiction to food or sex. The New York Times quoted one scientist as saying, "Technology is rewiring our brains."

Am I suggesting your grandkids are addicted to their devices? No, but it's clear that unchecked, unrestrained electronic stimulation can have a negative impact on healthy brain activity. We'd suggest that you point your grandkids toward the published research on this issue, and then encourage them to "unplug" as often as possible. Their parents might also add a time limit of some sort -- one hour per day is a general rule of thumb in my household.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.