Q: Our son is going through a divorce, and it's a terrible thing to witness, especially since we still live in the same city. How can we, as his parents, support him during this process? We don't want to meddle.

Jim: We often read about the negative impact of divorce on young kids, but it's also difficult when parents have to watch their adult children go through the same thing. Dr. Robert Busha offers some good advice for parents in your situation.

First, if there's a chance the couple will seek counseling or reconciliation, encourage them to do so. Your stable wisdom could help save the marriage. However, if the decision to divorce has already been made, trying to get them to change their minds will only result in more heartache.

Dr. Busha also recommends evaluating your own role as a parent. Think about how you can be a positive influence and a healthy role model as your son works through the difficulties of child visitation, single parenthood and so on.

Also, it's understandable that you'd take your son's side when it comes to the divorce. But don't take it too far. Blame and bitterness toward his ex-wife will do nothing to help your son heal and move on. Set an example of what it means to forgive and forget.

Finally, be sure to set boundaries. Will you let your son move back home following the divorce? Will you offer financial assistance? The answers may vary depending on your son's situation, but it's important that you have firm guidelines in place. Offering too much help may impede his recovery in the long run.

By finding the right balance between being too involved and not being involved enough, you can help your son weather the aftermath of divorce. May God grant you wisdom in this difficult assignment.

Q: My husband needs to lose weight. I'm concerned about his health. I've tried to put him on a diet, I've dropped hints, and flat out told him to lose weight. Nothing seems to work! Any advice?

Juli: With over 60 percent of American adults overweight, your question is a common one. Weight obviously impacts health, longevity, lifestyle and attractiveness. It's no surprise that it can also take a toll on the marriage relationship.

The first step to helping your husband lose weight is to realize that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him lose weight (or even want to do so). Many wives have attempted all of your strategies with similar results. Losing weight has to be his idea. The more he perceives it as your idea, the less likely he is to comply! In fact, he may go out of his way to prove that he is in control of his own choices.

Your best strategy is to have ONE caring conversation with him about his weight. Tell him that you are concerned about his health, but that you have been wrong to try to convince him to lose weight. You recognize that it is his health and his decision. Tell him that you love him the same no matter how much he weighs. Then, close your mouth about the topic.

Do your best to cook healthy meals and maintain an active lifestyle. But if he buys cookies and potato chips, leave him alone. No hints, jokes or cold shoulders. He's a grown man, not your child.

Your husband may never choose to change his eating or exercise habits. That's part of marriage. Our spouses sometimes make choices we don't agree with. This makes marriage the most difficult and amazing relationship in the world -- a commitment to love even in the midst of disagreement and disappointment.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: My uncle passed away recently and our family attended the funeral. This was my kids' (ages 2 and 4) first real experience with death, and I wasn't sure how to explain it to them. What's the best way to handle this subject with young children?

Jim: Whether it's the loss of a family member or news about another terrorist attack, our kids are going to be confronted with death. Author Candy Arrington has developed some great tips to help kids navigate the grieving process:

1) Teach your kids that death is a part of life. We often avoid this subject to protect our children. But we can use everyday occurrences -- wilting flowers, changing seasons, even the death of a pet -- to help them understand the reality.

2) Be honest, and don't delay sharing the news. Say "Uncle Tommy died last night," not "He's gone away" or "He went to sleep." These phrases lead to confusion and might even cause a child to wonder if he'll die when he goes to sleep!

3) Be ready to answer questions. Some kids are satisfied with the facts, but others will want to know more. Answer to the best of your ability.

4) Recognize your children's fears. Death can be a scary concept. We need to comfort and reassure our children at every opportunity.

5) Don't be afraid to let your kids see you grieve. It's OK to cry in front of them. They need to know that emotional pain is part of losing a loved one.

6) Finally, cherish the memories. Look through photo albums and tell fun stories from the past about your departed loved one.

When death occurs, kids will take their cues from their parents and model their reactions accordingly. It's much better for their emotional and spiritual health to talk about it openly than to sweep it under the rug.

Q: Our daughter is an only child. Due to medical reasons we cannot have any other children. Is there anything we can do to promote social skills, since she will not have siblings to interact with?

Juli: As frustrating as it can be to grow up with siblings (I have five!), they also provide a natural way to learn the basics of human interaction, including sharing, conflict resolution and communication. As an only child, your daughter does not have this automatically built into her home environment. However, there are a few things you can do to intentionally create opportunities for her to build peer relationships.

If you live near extended family, take advantage of that. Cousins can become almost as close as siblings. If there are no children in your family living locally, work hard to develop strong relationships with a few other families who have kids around your daughter's age. Choose families who have a similar philosophy of parenting and morality. Even in the midst of a handful of siblings, I also grew up with a best friend who was like a sister to me. We were constantly over at each other's house. Your daughter will also get exposure to other kids through school, playgroups and extracurricular activities.

The most important thing to remember in raising an only child is to maintain the generational boundary. It is easy to slide into treating an only child as a mini adult. With just three of you at home, the temptation is to become "the three musketeers" in making decisions and doing everything together. As much as you love her, she is not part of your marital unit. You are adults and she is a child. Be intentional about keeping it that way.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My daughter is in elementary school and is extremely shy. So shy that it is affecting her schoolwork and friendships. What can we do to bring her out of this shell?

Juli: Unfortunately, many kids struggle with shyness. According to Dr. Jerome Kagan, a professor of psychology at Harvard University, about 10 to 15 percent of kids in elementary school are very shy. For some, their shyness is a manifestation of a reserved personality trait. For others, shyness is a symptom of anxiety. The fact that your daughter's grades and friendships are being impacted suggests that she is probably in the latter category.

One of the best ways to combat anxiety is to make the world a more predictable place. You can help your daughter with this by role-playing everyday situations like what to do when you meet someone new or when someone teases you at school. You can also work with her teacher and other school staff to make social interactions at school more predictable.

School can be an overwhelming experience for a young child. Your daughter may begin to develop more self-confidence in social situations by interacting with smaller groups of children outside the school setting. Start by inviting over a potential friend for a playdate. It is even better if the friend is a classmate so that the relationship carries over into the classroom environment. You may even want to ask your daughter's teacher for recommendations of what kids in the class would be a good fit for a friend.

If you find that these interventions are not making a difference, it is time to seek help from a qualified professional. Most schools have on-staff counselors who are skilled at handling anxiety-related behavior. Your school or your daughter's pediatrician may also be able to refer you to an expert in your area.

Q: The other day I heard my junior high-aged son and his friend laughing about a classmate who passed out by sniffing an air freshener. I wanted to ask them about it but I thought they were probably just making up stories. Surely they were joking about this?

Jim: Sadly, this has become an all-too-real phenomenon. Even as illegal drugs continue to plague youth culture, some of the most harmful substances to your kids might be sitting right under your own roof.

In 2010, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration released a study about an increasingly popular youth pastime known as "huffing." This, as you may have surmised from your son's conversation, is when kids attempt to get high by inhaling common household products such as shoe polish, glue and, yes, air fresheners. It sounds absurd, but research shows that more 12-year-olds have used household products to get high than marijuana, cocaine and hallucinogens combined. This is a very real problem.

The use of inhalants can cause a child's heart rate to increase dramatically. In some cases, the end result is cardiac arrest and sudden death. Even for kids who try huffing only once, the risk of serious injury or death is considerable.

I'm not suggesting that you lock up all of your household products. But your son needs to know that this is no laughing matter. As you talk to him about the pitfalls of alcohol abuse and illegal drugs like marijuana, be sure to let him know that "huffing" is a dangerous -- and potentially deadly -- pursuit as well. Help him make smart decisions and stand up to peer pressure. Your active presence in his life is the strongest defense he has against the dead-end road of drug and alcohol abuse.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.