Q: My daughter is in elementary school and is extremely shy. So shy that it is affecting her schoolwork and friendships. What can we do to bring her out of this shell?

Juli: Unfortunately, many kids struggle with shyness. According to Dr. Jerome Kagan, a professor of psychology at Harvard University, about 10 to 15 percent of kids in elementary school are very shy. For some, their shyness is a manifestation of a reserved personality trait. For others, shyness is a symptom of anxiety. The fact that your daughter's grades and friendships are being impacted suggests that she is probably in the latter category.

One of the best ways to combat anxiety is to make the world a more predictable place. You can help your daughter with this by role-playing everyday situations like what to do when you meet someone new or when someone teases you at school. You can also work with her teacher and other school staff to make social interactions at school more predictable.

School can be an overwhelming experience for a young child. Your daughter may begin to develop more self-confidence in social situations by interacting with smaller groups of children outside the school setting. Start by inviting over a potential friend for a playdate. It is even better if the friend is a classmate so that the relationship carries over into the classroom environment. You may even want to ask your daughter's teacher for recommendations of what kids in the class would be a good fit for a friend.

If you find that these interventions are not making a difference, it is time to seek help from a qualified professional. Most schools have on-staff counselors who are skilled at handling anxiety-related behavior. Your school or your daughter's pediatrician may also be able to refer you to an expert in your area.

Q: The other day I heard my junior high-aged son and his friend laughing about a classmate who passed out by sniffing an air freshener. I wanted to ask them about it but I thought they were probably just making up stories. Surely they were joking about this?

Jim: Sadly, this has become an all-too-real phenomenon. Even as illegal drugs continue to plague youth culture, some of the most harmful substances to your kids might be sitting right under your own roof.

In 2010, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration released a study about an increasingly popular youth pastime known as "huffing." This, as you may have surmised from your son's conversation, is when kids attempt to get high by inhaling common household products such as shoe polish, glue and, yes, air fresheners. It sounds absurd, but research shows that more 12-year-olds have used household products to get high than marijuana, cocaine and hallucinogens combined. This is a very real problem.

The use of inhalants can cause a child's heart rate to increase dramatically. In some cases, the end result is cardiac arrest and sudden death. Even for kids who try huffing only once, the risk of serious injury or death is considerable.

I'm not suggesting that you lock up all of your household products. But your son needs to know that this is no laughing matter. As you talk to him about the pitfalls of alcohol abuse and illegal drugs like marijuana, be sure to let him know that "huffing" is a dangerous -- and potentially deadly -- pursuit as well. Help him make smart decisions and stand up to peer pressure. Your active presence in his life is the strongest defense he has against the dead-end road of drug and alcohol abuse.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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QUESTION: My wife has moved out and our communication is strained. Can you give me advice on how I can try to reconcile with her?

Juli: It is difficult to give specific advice without knowing some background about your situation. However, here are some basic principles to consider if you are serious about wanting to win your wife back.

Ask her to clearly communicate what has caused her to leave. She probably feels like she has told you 100 times what the issue is, but have you ever really listened? You will naturally want to be defensive and explain why her complaint is no big deal and how she has done hurtful things to you, too. Now is not the time for that. Don't respond other than to ask clarifying questions. Take home the information she has given you to think and pray about, and perhaps sort through it with a counselor. Take responsibility for your part in the split. Remember that even if your intention was not to hurt her, you have.

The next step is to let her know you are committed for the long haul. Your wife will be skeptical if you make big gestures and commitments to her that don't stand the test of time. If you want to win her back, show her love consistently, even if she doesn't respond right away. If she sets boundaries regarding how much she wants to communicate, respect those. Even so, let her know that you are willing to wait.

A strong marriage is made up of not just the good parts of sharing love, but patience and unrelenting love when a crisis like yours hits.

QUESTION: Our son is very athletic, but I'm afraid he may be overdoing it. He goes out for soccer in the fall and baseball in the spring, and also plays in various summer leagues. He's only a sophomore, but he's already experienced broken arms and numerous sprains. Should we ask him to tone it down?

Jim: I had my share of youthful sports injuries, and I have the scars to prove it. When I was 13, I played a game of catch with an extended family member who also happened to pitch for the California Angels' farm team. One of his fastballs "went wild," as they say, and impacted squarely with the left side of my face. I spent two weeks in the hospital with a broken nose, cheekbone, eye socket, and jaw, and a fractured skull. To this day, the left side of my face is still numb as a result of reconstructive surgery.

By the time I was a senior in high school, football had become my primary passion. But my dreams of gridiron glory ended with a broken collar bone.

A recent study by the American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons found that young people are facing more serious sports injuries than ever before: torn ligaments, dislocated shoulders, neck and knee injuries, and strained muscles and joints. We're not talking about the NFL or Major League Baseball here ... this is all from high school sports!

I'm not slamming youth sports. It would be a shame to prohibit your son from participating in athletic activities that he enjoys and in which he clearly excels. But you might encourage him to find a balance between sports and other less physically demanding activities. Rather than being involved in sports year-round, perhaps he can be persuaded to take a season off to pursue the debate team. Remind him that most teens his age feel indestructible. But even though they're young and energetic, teens' bodies need time to rest and recuperate.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My husband and I have been married for five years. He has been a great father to my children from a previous marriage. Just within the last month, my 13-year-old has become disrespectful toward his stepdad, saying things like, "What are you going to do? You're not my dad!" What do we do?

Juli: The behavior you're describing is pretty common for a 13-year-old boy, whether or not he's in a blended family. In the early teen years, boys are prone to challenge authority as their bodies and brains develop. Often, this is done through boundary-pushing and disrespectful behavior. The added element of a stepdad may give your son even more gumption to question authority.

Don't fall for the "you're not my dad" trap. Your husband can calmly respond, "You're right that I'm not your biological dad. But I care about you and you live in my house, so I expect you to honor our rules." In addition to wanting his own way, your son may also be challenging your husband's love and commitment to him. Encourage him not to give up or step back because of your son's apparent rejection.

Recognize that your son is growing up. Are his siblings younger than him? Maybe you could give him choices and privileges that they don't have. Let him stay up later, decorate his room, buy his own clothes with an allowance and tackle more household responsibilities.

However, within this growing autonomy, make it clear that he needs to respect your rules and authority. Instead of getting into a power struggle, determine reasonable consequences for disrespectful or irresponsible behavior.

There are many excellent resources to guide you through the teen years, including "Boundaries With Teens" by John Townsend and "Preparing for Adolescence" by James Dobson.

Q: My wife and I have only been married for six months, and frankly, we feel like we just get on each other's nerves most of the time. I didn't think the "spark" would die so soon. What should we do?

Jim: What you're experiencing is not that unusual. Being a newlywed can be scary. No matter how strong the relationship, the lofty expectations you had before the wedding rarely match the reality after you say "I do."

My wife, Jean, and I had a rough time early in our marriage. I had come from a broken home with no healthy male role models, and Jean was dealing with depression. If not for counseling, prayer and friends, we might have withered on the vine.

You and your wife might consider meeting with a pastor or marriage counselor about your frustrations. Doing so is not an admission that there's something seriously wrong with your relationship. It's a sign of your commitment to one another and your desire to make your marriage the best it can be.

I'd also recommend that you find a pair of "marriage mentors." These are older couples with years of experience under their belts. They can offer wise counsel to young couples feeling uncertain and overwhelmed.

One note of caution: Even if you and your wife come from stable homes, don't seek out your parents as marriage mentors. Moms and dads don't always have the objectivity to offer unbiased advice. According to Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, a marriage mentor is not a parent or a close friend. The Parrotts also note that marriage mentors are not "on call" for every crisis, they don't have perfect marriages themselves, and they aren't know-it-alls. Rather, they're friendly acquaintances who can model a healthy relationship and offer insights when needed.

With commitment, prayer, and the wise counsel of a couple who have stood where you stand today, there's no reason why you and your wife can't thrive during these early years of marriage. God bless you!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.