QUESTION: My wife has moved out and our communication is strained. Can you give me advice on how I can try to reconcile with her?

Juli: It is difficult to give specific advice without knowing some background about your situation. However, here are some basic principles to consider if you are serious about wanting to win your wife back.

Ask her to clearly communicate what has caused her to leave. She probably feels like she has told you 100 times what the issue is, but have you ever really listened? You will naturally want to be defensive and explain why her complaint is no big deal and how she has done hurtful things to you, too. Now is not the time for that. Don't respond other than to ask clarifying questions. Take home the information she has given you to think and pray about, and perhaps sort through it with a counselor. Take responsibility for your part in the split. Remember that even if your intention was not to hurt her, you have.

The next step is to let her know you are committed for the long haul. Your wife will be skeptical if you make big gestures and commitments to her that don't stand the test of time. If you want to win her back, show her love consistently, even if she doesn't respond right away. If she sets boundaries regarding how much she wants to communicate, respect those. Even so, let her know that you are willing to wait.

A strong marriage is made up of not just the good parts of sharing love, but patience and unrelenting love when a crisis like yours hits.

QUESTION: Our son is very athletic, but I'm afraid he may be overdoing it. He goes out for soccer in the fall and baseball in the spring, and also plays in various summer leagues. He's only a sophomore, but he's already experienced broken arms and numerous sprains. Should we ask him to tone it down?

Jim: I had my share of youthful sports injuries, and I have the scars to prove it. When I was 13, I played a game of catch with an extended family member who also happened to pitch for the California Angels' farm team. One of his fastballs "went wild," as they say, and impacted squarely with the left side of my face. I spent two weeks in the hospital with a broken nose, cheekbone, eye socket, and jaw, and a fractured skull. To this day, the left side of my face is still numb as a result of reconstructive surgery.

By the time I was a senior in high school, football had become my primary passion. But my dreams of gridiron glory ended with a broken collar bone.

A recent study by the American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons found that young people are facing more serious sports injuries than ever before: torn ligaments, dislocated shoulders, neck and knee injuries, and strained muscles and joints. We're not talking about the NFL or Major League Baseball here ... this is all from high school sports!

I'm not slamming youth sports. It would be a shame to prohibit your son from participating in athletic activities that he enjoys and in which he clearly excels. But you might encourage him to find a balance between sports and other less physically demanding activities. Rather than being involved in sports year-round, perhaps he can be persuaded to take a season off to pursue the debate team. Remind him that most teens his age feel indestructible. But even though they're young and energetic, teens' bodies need time to rest and recuperate.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: My husband and I have been married for five years. He has been a great father to my children from a previous marriage. Just within the last month, my 13-year-old has become disrespectful toward his stepdad, saying things like, "What are you going to do? You're not my dad!" What do we do?

Juli: The behavior you're describing is pretty common for a 13-year-old boy, whether or not he's in a blended family. In the early teen years, boys are prone to challenge authority as their bodies and brains develop. Often, this is done through boundary-pushing and disrespectful behavior. The added element of a stepdad may give your son even more gumption to question authority.

Don't fall for the "you're not my dad" trap. Your husband can calmly respond, "You're right that I'm not your biological dad. But I care about you and you live in my house, so I expect you to honor our rules." In addition to wanting his own way, your son may also be challenging your husband's love and commitment to him. Encourage him not to give up or step back because of your son's apparent rejection.

Recognize that your son is growing up. Are his siblings younger than him? Maybe you could give him choices and privileges that they don't have. Let him stay up later, decorate his room, buy his own clothes with an allowance and tackle more household responsibilities.

However, within this growing autonomy, make it clear that he needs to respect your rules and authority. Instead of getting into a power struggle, determine reasonable consequences for disrespectful or irresponsible behavior.

There are many excellent resources to guide you through the teen years, including "Boundaries With Teens" by John Townsend and "Preparing for Adolescence" by James Dobson.

Q: My wife and I have only been married for six months, and frankly, we feel like we just get on each other's nerves most of the time. I didn't think the "spark" would die so soon. What should we do?

Jim: What you're experiencing is not that unusual. Being a newlywed can be scary. No matter how strong the relationship, the lofty expectations you had before the wedding rarely match the reality after you say "I do."

My wife, Jean, and I had a rough time early in our marriage. I had come from a broken home with no healthy male role models, and Jean was dealing with depression. If not for counseling, prayer and friends, we might have withered on the vine.

You and your wife might consider meeting with a pastor or marriage counselor about your frustrations. Doing so is not an admission that there's something seriously wrong with your relationship. It's a sign of your commitment to one another and your desire to make your marriage the best it can be.

I'd also recommend that you find a pair of "marriage mentors." These are older couples with years of experience under their belts. They can offer wise counsel to young couples feeling uncertain and overwhelmed.

One note of caution: Even if you and your wife come from stable homes, don't seek out your parents as marriage mentors. Moms and dads don't always have the objectivity to offer unbiased advice. According to Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, a marriage mentor is not a parent or a close friend. The Parrotts also note that marriage mentors are not "on call" for every crisis, they don't have perfect marriages themselves, and they aren't know-it-alls. Rather, they're friendly acquaintances who can model a healthy relationship and offer insights when needed.

With commitment, prayer, and the wise counsel of a couple who have stood where you stand today, there's no reason why you and your wife can't thrive during these early years of marriage. God bless you!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My husband had an affair and we're now in counseling trying to work things out. How do I ever really know if he will do it again?

Juli: First, I applaud you for your efforts to restore your marriage in the aftermath of your husband's infidelity. A breach of trust that deep is so difficult to recover from that many couples are not willing to do the rebuilding effort.

To answer your question, you cannot know for certain that he'll never be unfaithful again. Choosing to love another person always involves an act of faith, hoping for what we cannot be certain about. However, no marriage can be based on "blind faith." In a marriage relationship, you and your husband owe it to each other to demonstrate a commitment to fidelity. This is particularly true as he has been unfaithful in the past.

Working with your counselor, you and your husband need to build safeguards or "hedges" around your marriage to protect against another affair. For example, do you have access to each other's cell phones and email accounts? Obviously, you could go overboard checking up on your husband, feeding an atmosphere of distrust and even paranoia. But in the wake of an affair, it is reasonable for you to expect a greater level of accountability in order to rebuild trust.

Another critical element of preventing another affair is understanding how the first one occurred. In many cases, affairs happen because there are cracks in the marriage. Sometimes spouses drift apart and stop communicating. Or they have unresolved issues related to finances, sex or parenting. An individual might even have emotional problems, like past sexual abuse or bipolar disorder, that lead to an increased likelihood of infidelity. None of these things excuse an affair, of course. Work with your counselor to identify what made your marriage open to the affair initially. Then come up with practical ways to strengthen those weak areas.

Q: My son is playing Little League baseball this summer, and it's great -- except for the other parents. They're caustic and rude to one another, to the umpire, and even to the kids on the opposing team. Should I take my son out of this toxic environment?

Jim: Summer baseball is one of the greatest joys a boy can experience, and it would be a shame if you had to deprive him of that, especially as the result of someone else's bad behavior!

Nevertheless, I know what you're talking about. My biological father was all but absent from my life, but one day he actually did show up at one of my Little League games. There was only one problem -- he was drunk. While the other parents cheered for their kids, my dad was loud and obnoxious. His speech was slurred. He cursed the umpire. He screamed and made an utter spectacle of himself. I was humiliated and embarrassed.

But as you know from firsthand experience, more and more parents are behaving this way at sporting events even when they're perfectly sober! They may have good intentions. They may think they're encouraging their kids. But if they're being rude, disrespectful or belligerent, they're doing more harm than good. And they're setting a horrible example for every child on the field.

Rather than taking your son out of Little League, you might encourage him to just persevere -- to practice good sportsmanship and take the high ground even when the adults are acting like bullies. Your own calm demeanor in this setting will make a huge impact on him. It's certainly sad that Little League can't be a simple, fun experience for everyone. But at least you can redeem the time by turning it into a character-building experience.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.