Q: We have four children between the ages of 5 and 13. Our youngest son has a serious medical condition that requires the majority of our time. What can we do to make sure we're not shortchanging our other children while dealing with the burden of our youngest?

Juli: Our hearts go out to you and your son as you travel this difficult road together. Many families have gone through similar circumstances and found the stress to be profound. In fact, most children's hospitals have support groups for family members of children with prolonged or terminal illness.

In situations like yours, it's common for the child who is ill to adopt the role of "sick child." When this happens, the entire family revolves around protecting and providing for the one in the sick role. Be intentional about carving out family space that does not revolve around your youngest being ill. For example, never talk about anything related to the illness at the dinner table. Be sure that family members don't overly coddle your youngest. If he's able to do chores or get his own glass of water, let him.

As much as possible, shift doctor and hospital visits to allow one parent to be with the other children. They need time with you. Try to schedule a "date" with each child alone, even if it's just a trip to the grocery store or attending a volleyball game. Extended family members and close friends can be a big help in filling some of the gaps.

Give your other children room to process their feelings with you and/or a counselor. Siblings of a sick child feel the full range of valid emotions, including guilt, anger, jealousy, sadness and fear. Because Mom and Dad are also emotionally overwhelmed, the kids may believe they have to keep these feelings to themselves. If you see behaviors like aggression, withdrawal, extreme immaturity or trying to be a "perfect child," you should understand these are indications that a child is not processing these feelings well.

No parent would choose the circumstances you find yourselves in. However, siblings of sick children often develop extraordinary character traits like empathy, unselfishness and responsibility as a result of their unusual family dynamics.

Q: My husband has a week's vacation coming up in July. My parents are in California, his are in Ohio, and we're in Georgia. Both sets of parents are itching to see the grandkids. How do we handle this no-win situation?

Jim: At some point, most married couples have an argument over where to spend vacation time. A lot of the pressure for this decision comes from extended family members, as you know. Throw grandchildren into the mix and things can get downright ugly!

As eager as they are to see you, your parents can surely sympathize with your inability to be in two places at once. With that in mind, as you decide where to spend your husband's vacation time, it's important to remember two principles: be fair, and be flexible.

When it comes to being fair, try to come up with a solution that works for both extended families. That might mean spending summer vacation in California and Christmas in Ohio, and then switching off next year.

In terms of flexibility, consider what is in the best interests of those around you. Perhaps spending half of your husband's vacation in airports is not what your budget -- or your kids -- can handle right now. Don't be afraid to tell both sets of grandparents that it's honestly not a good idea for you to travel this year, so you'll be taking a "staycation."

Whatever you decide, make sure that you and your husband are engaged in healthy communication on the subject. Your final decision should be one that you're both comfortable with, even if you have to compromise to get there.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My wife and I don't spend a lot of downtime together. It's not like we're out carousing with other people. But jobs, kids and other important responsibilities are taking their toll. How do we find time for ourselves?

Jim: Your situation is not unique. Many husbands and wives today are running in opposite directions. We're too wrapped up in work and even in our kids' activities. It's like we're addicted to being busy.

If you wait for life to "settle down" on its own, you'll never make progress. You have to take active steps to make time for each other, and to foster genuine intimacy in your relationship.

Dr. Harold L. Arnold Jr., an organizational psychologist, has developed an acrostic -- C.O.R.E. -- to help couples put intimacy back in their marriage. Maybe you'll find it helpful.

"C" stands for commitment. Commit to a specific day and time each week when you and your wife can spend an hour in conversation -- without any distractions. Unless there's an emergency, stick to this commitment.

"O" represents openness. Be honest with your spouse about your needs, desires and fears. Open up with her; don't hold it all in.

The "R" in C.O.R.E. stands for repent. Many of the supposed flaws you see in your spouse are associated with your past behaviors. Own up to your mistakes and be willing to forgive your spouse for hers.

Finally, the "E" represents empathy. Your wife will only open up if she senses that you really understand her and love her unconditionally. Take time to listen without prejudice and to respond unselfishly.

Commitment, openness, repentance and empathy -- the C.O.R.E. of marriage. If you and your spouse will make these behaviors a top priority, chances are excellent that you'll feel more connected even amidst the busyness of life.

Q: My sister is getting married next month, and I don't like the guy she's marrying. I've hinted that I don't like him, but I'm wondering if I should say something or if I should just support her decision.

Juli: My first question would be, "What don't you like about your potential brother-in-law"? If your concerns have more to do with superficial issues like appearance, interests or even personality, it's probably better for you to keep your opinions to yourself and work on getting to know him better. If, however, your objections are more substantial, relating to his character or how he treats your sister, sharing these thoughts may be very important. Do your parents and others who know your sister's fiance have similar concerns? If so, this is another indication of red flags that are worth bringing up.

This close to a wedding, no bride wants to hear that a sibling is not completely supportive. So, be very careful how you address the topic. It's much better to have one very intentional conversation than to let criticism and concern "drip out" over the years. As pastors in the movies used to say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace."

I recommend getting your sister alone, uninterrupted. Tell her how much you love her and care about her. Sensitively share with her some of the things you've noticed, and ask her if she has any of these concerns as she approaches her wedding. If so, suggest the possibility of talking about these with a pastor or counselor. Most importantly, tell your sister that whatever she decides, you'll be 100 percent behind her.

Once she's married, your job is to support your sister and her new marriage. Even if you're not thrilled about the guy she chose, he's family now. Become a safe place for your sister to process the joys and challenges of their new marriage and do everything you can to help them succeed.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: This will be my first Father's Day (our daughter was born four months ago). Quite frankly, the entire concept scares me. Who thought it would be a good idea to let ME be a dad? I don't think I have what it takes.

Jim: If you're not a little scared at the thought of being a parent, there's probably something wrong. It's a tough assignment -- but it's also one of God's greatest gifts!

Years ago, my friend, Dr. Ken Canfield, wrote a book called "The Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers." Perhaps you'll find these principles empowering as you start your journey.

First, effective fathers are committed to their children. Nothing else can fill a dad's role -- not TV, not school and not even Mom. Fathers need to be there for their kids.

Second, effective fathers know their children. They ask them questions, spend time on their turf, and help them develop their own talents and interests.

Third, effective fathers are consistent in their attitudes and behavior. They keep their promises. Their lives are characterized by regularity and predictability.

Fourth, effective fathers protect and provide for their kids. This means not only putting a roof over their heads, but also knowing their emotional needs.

Fifth, effective fathers love their children's mother. Dr. Canfield calls this "one of the best things you can do for your kids." Dads need to go on dates with their wives, and show them affection in front of the kids.

Sixth, effective fathers are active listeners. They pay attention when their kids talk to them, and block out distractions.

Finally, effective fathers spiritually equip their children. They take them to church, and teach them to pray.

Some of these principles won't apply until your daughter is older, but ingrain them in your mind now. Happy Father's Day, and may God bless you in your role as a dad!

Q: My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have two children together, and we have just grown apart. We live under the same roof, but don't seem to communicate. Recently I've started voicing my unhappiness, but my husband doesn't seem to be too concerned, and if anything, seems shocked that I'm unhappy. What do I do?

Juli: During the busyness of raising kids and managing life, it's pretty normal for couples in your life stage to feel like the connection has gone out of your marriage. It is also common for you to be more sensitive to this lack of intimacy than your husband is. In general, women desire more emotional intimacy in marriage and are the first to notice when you begin to drift apart.

You didn't mention any major conflicts that are contributing to "drifting apart." This is good. However, if your marriage continues to drift, you'll become more and more vulnerable to a crisis like infidelity. Now is the time to change things.

Since your husband doesn't think there's a problem, he may not be interested in marriage counseling. However, he might be willing to read a good book together on marriage or even attend a weekend marriage conference.

One of the simplest and most important things you can do is to start investing time in one another. Plan a date night at least twice a month. Take 15 to 20 minutes a day to check in with each other. Go out of your way to connect during the day with a quick text that says "I'm thinking about you" or a sweet note with lipstick on the mirror. These might seem like very minor adjustments, but they can make a big difference in working toward intimacy.

Finally, don't give up. Many couples go through stretches in which marriage is not fun or emotionally fulfilling. Investing through these rough spots will build an even deeper emotional connection for the future of your marriage.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.