Q: My wife and I don't spend a lot of downtime together. It's not like we're out carousing with other people. But jobs, kids and other important responsibilities are taking their toll. How do we find time for ourselves?

Jim: Your situation is not unique. Many husbands and wives today are running in opposite directions. We're too wrapped up in work and even in our kids' activities. It's like we're addicted to being busy.

If you wait for life to "settle down" on its own, you'll never make progress. You have to take active steps to make time for each other, and to foster genuine intimacy in your relationship.

Dr. Harold L. Arnold Jr., an organizational psychologist, has developed an acrostic -- C.O.R.E. -- to help couples put intimacy back in their marriage. Maybe you'll find it helpful.

"C" stands for commitment. Commit to a specific day and time each week when you and your wife can spend an hour in conversation -- without any distractions. Unless there's an emergency, stick to this commitment.

"O" represents openness. Be honest with your spouse about your needs, desires and fears. Open up with her; don't hold it all in.

The "R" in C.O.R.E. stands for repent. Many of the supposed flaws you see in your spouse are associated with your past behaviors. Own up to your mistakes and be willing to forgive your spouse for hers.

Finally, the "E" represents empathy. Your wife will only open up if she senses that you really understand her and love her unconditionally. Take time to listen without prejudice and to respond unselfishly.

Commitment, openness, repentance and empathy -- the C.O.R.E. of marriage. If you and your spouse will make these behaviors a top priority, chances are excellent that you'll feel more connected even amidst the busyness of life.

Q: My sister is getting married next month, and I don't like the guy she's marrying. I've hinted that I don't like him, but I'm wondering if I should say something or if I should just support her decision.

Juli: My first question would be, "What don't you like about your potential brother-in-law"? If your concerns have more to do with superficial issues like appearance, interests or even personality, it's probably better for you to keep your opinions to yourself and work on getting to know him better. If, however, your objections are more substantial, relating to his character or how he treats your sister, sharing these thoughts may be very important. Do your parents and others who know your sister's fiance have similar concerns? If so, this is another indication of red flags that are worth bringing up.

This close to a wedding, no bride wants to hear that a sibling is not completely supportive. So, be very careful how you address the topic. It's much better to have one very intentional conversation than to let criticism and concern "drip out" over the years. As pastors in the movies used to say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace."

I recommend getting your sister alone, uninterrupted. Tell her how much you love her and care about her. Sensitively share with her some of the things you've noticed, and ask her if she has any of these concerns as she approaches her wedding. If so, suggest the possibility of talking about these with a pastor or counselor. Most importantly, tell your sister that whatever she decides, you'll be 100 percent behind her.

Once she's married, your job is to support your sister and her new marriage. Even if you're not thrilled about the guy she chose, he's family now. Become a safe place for your sister to process the joys and challenges of their new marriage and do everything you can to help them succeed.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: This will be my first Father's Day (our daughter was born four months ago). Quite frankly, the entire concept scares me. Who thought it would be a good idea to let ME be a dad? I don't think I have what it takes.

Jim: If you're not a little scared at the thought of being a parent, there's probably something wrong. It's a tough assignment -- but it's also one of God's greatest gifts!

Years ago, my friend, Dr. Ken Canfield, wrote a book called "The Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers." Perhaps you'll find these principles empowering as you start your journey.

First, effective fathers are committed to their children. Nothing else can fill a dad's role -- not TV, not school and not even Mom. Fathers need to be there for their kids.

Second, effective fathers know their children. They ask them questions, spend time on their turf, and help them develop their own talents and interests.

Third, effective fathers are consistent in their attitudes and behavior. They keep their promises. Their lives are characterized by regularity and predictability.

Fourth, effective fathers protect and provide for their kids. This means not only putting a roof over their heads, but also knowing their emotional needs.

Fifth, effective fathers love their children's mother. Dr. Canfield calls this "one of the best things you can do for your kids." Dads need to go on dates with their wives, and show them affection in front of the kids.

Sixth, effective fathers are active listeners. They pay attention when their kids talk to them, and block out distractions.

Finally, effective fathers spiritually equip their children. They take them to church, and teach them to pray.

Some of these principles won't apply until your daughter is older, but ingrain them in your mind now. Happy Father's Day, and may God bless you in your role as a dad!

Q: My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have two children together, and we have just grown apart. We live under the same roof, but don't seem to communicate. Recently I've started voicing my unhappiness, but my husband doesn't seem to be too concerned, and if anything, seems shocked that I'm unhappy. What do I do?

Juli: During the busyness of raising kids and managing life, it's pretty normal for couples in your life stage to feel like the connection has gone out of your marriage. It is also common for you to be more sensitive to this lack of intimacy than your husband is. In general, women desire more emotional intimacy in marriage and are the first to notice when you begin to drift apart.

You didn't mention any major conflicts that are contributing to "drifting apart." This is good. However, if your marriage continues to drift, you'll become more and more vulnerable to a crisis like infidelity. Now is the time to change things.

Since your husband doesn't think there's a problem, he may not be interested in marriage counseling. However, he might be willing to read a good book together on marriage or even attend a weekend marriage conference.

One of the simplest and most important things you can do is to start investing time in one another. Plan a date night at least twice a month. Take 15 to 20 minutes a day to check in with each other. Go out of your way to connect during the day with a quick text that says "I'm thinking about you" or a sweet note with lipstick on the mirror. These might seem like very minor adjustments, but they can make a big difference in working toward intimacy.

Finally, don't give up. Many couples go through stretches in which marriage is not fun or emotionally fulfilling. Investing through these rough spots will build an even deeper emotional connection for the future of your marriage.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My husband has an anger problem and gets upset over the littlest issues. He's not abusive, but he lashes out with words. Our family walks on eggshells around him. How can I help him?

Juli: Although you can't get your husband to change his behavior, you can influence him. The first thing you can do is help him understand the impact his outbursts have on you and your family. Many people live by the "sticks and stones" rule, minimizing the effect harsh words have on relationships. At a neutral time (not when he's upset), tell him there is something you would like to share with him. Preface your statement with a softener like, "I know you may not be aware of this, but..." Then explain how his outbursts hurt you and get in the way of feeling safe with him. He may or may not receive your comments well. Even if he doesn't acknowledge what you say, he may think about it over time.

Second, as much as he's willing to allow it, help him identify the true source of his anger. It's easy to dump anger and frustration on family members when the genesis of those feelings comes from somewhere else. For example, how much stress is he under at work? Are finances contributing? What was modeled in his home growing up? Asking the right questions can help him make some of these connections.

Finally, be prepared for the next time he gets angry. You have the right and the responsibility to stand up for yourself and your family if his words become harsh and hurtful. I highly recommend two books that will help you know what to say in the middle of a tense situation: "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and "Love Must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson.

Q: I've been dating the same girl for five months. We're getting serious, but I'm not 100 percent sure about it. Some of my married friends knew they'd found "the one" after only a couple weeks of dating.

Jim: Some people "know" sooner than others, but don't feel like you have to be on the fast track. You and your girlfriend shouldn't feel pressure to make a decision any sooner than either of you is ready.

Marrying my wife, Jean, wasn't a tough decision. Once I knew, I knew. More importantly, once she knew -- I knew! But that doesn't mean I didn't invest a great deal of thought and prayer in the process.

People decide whom they're going to marry using two things: their head and their heart. In the words of author John Thomas, it's "a little bit of art and a little bit of science."

Your head helps you address the practical matters. Do the two of you have similar morals and values? Do you have compatible views on family and parenting? Do your friends and family members have any serious reservations about the other person? Do you both believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment? These are all things that you can work out in your head.

Listening to your heart can be more tricky, but it's just as important. If you're considering marriage, it's safe to assume that you already have strong feelings for your girlfriend. But do you have peace? Does she share that peace?

I'm not suggesting that you won't have butterflies. There are plenty of things about getting married that can cause stress, even if you're marrying the right person. But through prayer, introspection and discussion, you both need to have peace in your hearts that you're doing the right thing.

The road to marriage is full of emotion. But if your head and your heart can find agreement on that special person, there's a good chance you've found "the one."

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.