Q: My husband has an anger problem and gets upset over the littlest issues. He's not abusive, but he lashes out with words. Our family walks on eggshells around him. How can I help him?

Juli: Although you can't get your husband to change his behavior, you can influence him. The first thing you can do is help him understand the impact his outbursts have on you and your family. Many people live by the "sticks and stones" rule, minimizing the effect harsh words have on relationships. At a neutral time (not when he's upset), tell him there is something you would like to share with him. Preface your statement with a softener like, "I know you may not be aware of this, but..." Then explain how his outbursts hurt you and get in the way of feeling safe with him. He may or may not receive your comments well. Even if he doesn't acknowledge what you say, he may think about it over time.

Second, as much as he's willing to allow it, help him identify the true source of his anger. It's easy to dump anger and frustration on family members when the genesis of those feelings comes from somewhere else. For example, how much stress is he under at work? Are finances contributing? What was modeled in his home growing up? Asking the right questions can help him make some of these connections.

Finally, be prepared for the next time he gets angry. You have the right and the responsibility to stand up for yourself and your family if his words become harsh and hurtful. I highly recommend two books that will help you know what to say in the middle of a tense situation: "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and "Love Must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson.

Q: I've been dating the same girl for five months. We're getting serious, but I'm not 100 percent sure about it. Some of my married friends knew they'd found "the one" after only a couple weeks of dating.

Jim: Some people "know" sooner than others, but don't feel like you have to be on the fast track. You and your girlfriend shouldn't feel pressure to make a decision any sooner than either of you is ready.

Marrying my wife, Jean, wasn't a tough decision. Once I knew, I knew. More importantly, once she knew -- I knew! But that doesn't mean I didn't invest a great deal of thought and prayer in the process.

People decide whom they're going to marry using two things: their head and their heart. In the words of author John Thomas, it's "a little bit of art and a little bit of science."

Your head helps you address the practical matters. Do the two of you have similar morals and values? Do you have compatible views on family and parenting? Do your friends and family members have any serious reservations about the other person? Do you both believe that marriage is a lifelong commitment? These are all things that you can work out in your head.

Listening to your heart can be more tricky, but it's just as important. If you're considering marriage, it's safe to assume that you already have strong feelings for your girlfriend. But do you have peace? Does she share that peace?

I'm not suggesting that you won't have butterflies. There are plenty of things about getting married that can cause stress, even if you're marrying the right person. But through prayer, introspection and discussion, you both need to have peace in your hearts that you're doing the right thing.

The road to marriage is full of emotion. But if your head and your heart can find agreement on that special person, there's a good chance you've found "the one."

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My wife and I are both divorced and trying to raise a blended family. Is there any advice you can give me on how to help our children bond with our spouse?

Juli: The wedding ceremony may have made you a blended family, but developing those deep bonds of connection takes a lot more time. Ron Deal, founder of Successful Stepfamilies, offers the best advice that I've ever come across.

He encourages stepparents to be very careful about trying to hard too develop a parent-child relationship. Although stepparents have authority in the home, much like teachers do in a classroom, the affection and connection associated with "Mom" or "Dad" takes a long time to form and may never form. Deal recommends that you let the kids set the pace for the relationship.

Resist the urge to speed up the relationship-building process by buying big gifts or insisting on lots of one-on-one time. Children who are in the midst of adjusting to divorce and remarriage have a lot of mixed feelings and confusion about loyalties and how much to love each adult in their lives. Don't ever try to replace your stepchildren's biological mom or dad or be critical of them. One of the most wonderful things you can do for your stepchildren is give them permission to love all of the adults in their lives.

It is also wise to allow the biological parents to do the majority of the active parenting, like discipline and enforcing consequences. Although both parents are involved in rule setting, the biological parent should do the heavy lifting, particularly early on.

For more tips on thriving as a stepfamily, you will want to check out www.successfulstepfamilies.com.

Q: I thought life would slow down when school ended for the summer, but it seems like our family is running faster than ever. My husband's work schedule is relentless, and I've taken on a part-time job. And we're always running the kids to various summer activities. I don't think they even consider this a "break," and I'm afraid all of the activity is going to have a negative impact on them.

Jim: As parents, it often seems like we're running at a constant sprint. From the minute our feet hit the floor in the morning, it's a race to get to work, get the kids ready, take them to where they need to be, and then start checking off the long list of appointments in our daily planner. And then we do it all again tomorrow.

We live lives of stress, and that can impact our kids. They see us running around in a constant state of panic, and they pick up on it. Many children become stressed themselves in this kind of environment, and will carry that stress into their adult lives.

The American Academy of Pediatrics released a study showing that today's children are much more stressed, busy and even depressed than ever before. The research shows that we aren't giving our kids enough time to simply play and relax. And they're certainly not going to learn how to do it by watching their overcommitted parents.

I'm not suggesting that you neglect your responsibilities. But it would be a good idea to find some creative ways to slow down -- not just during these summer months, but all year. For your own health, as well as that of your kids, make sure that rest and relaxation are a part of your family's routine. Depending on their age, your kids might already be firmly entrenched in the "always running" mentality. It's up to you and your husband to help them reset the pace. We all need a little down time once in a while!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: Our 22-year-old son is graduating from college this month. He doesn't have a job lined up and has no idea what he's going to do. My husband and I don't know what our role is in this new stage of parenting. Do we let him live at home?

Juli: Your question is a common one. Gone are the days when a college graduate was ready and willing to dive into all of the responsibilities of financial and personal independence. Due to the tough economy, among other factors, most 22-year-olds find themselves in a delayed stage of adolescence. They want the freedom of adulthood, but feel paralyzed by the complexity and pressures that accompany independence. This puts parents, like you, in the awkward position of actively parenting an adult child.

Your ultimate goal is to help your son launch into the full independence of adulthood. If you choose to let him live at home after graduation, don't allow that time to be wasted. Set boundaries and requirements up front that will help him grow toward maturity and responsibility. It is reasonable to expect that he hold down a full-time job and/or pursue additional schooling or training. It may also be wise to set a departure date so that you do not enable him to avoid that next step of independence. Some parents charge their adult children rent for living at home. They put some of the money paid into a savings account that will be seed money for a deposit or down payment on a future living arrangement.

Even more than a roof over his head, your son needs your wisdom and encouragement as he looks toward the future. Help him think long-term about his goals for vocation, family and financial independence. As long as you see him making good decisions, actively moving toward these goals, your help is a good thing.

Q: I was laid off more than a year ago, and I still feel stunned. I don't even know how to look for a job after being steadily employed for six years. How do I get out of this rut?

Jim: Being let go from a job is one of the toughest things a person can face. But consider this: Unemployment also represents a unique opportunity. When you're gainfully employed, all of your time and energy goes into just keeping up. But when you lose your job, suddenly there's time and energy to spare. Most people don't know what to do with it. They become paralyzed with fear, worry and anger. That's a natural reaction, but if it's all they experience while they're unemployed, something is missing.

After a job loss, you're motivated to see clearly and honestly -- perhaps for the first time in years. Your assignment isn't merely to search for financial security in a new job. It's to rediscover who you are.

Use this time to ask yourself some serious questions. "What gifts and talents do I possess that I didn't have a chance to use in my former job? Are there educational opportunities I should explore? What am I learning about myself through this job loss that I didn't know -- or didn't want to know -- before? What do I really want to do with my life?"

Once you're employed again, this window will close. Life will once again be overwhelmed with work responsibilities and day-to-day cares. You won't have "down time" like this again. As hard as it is to lose your job, it's harder to find genuine opportunities to take stock of who you are and where you want to go.

Many people wonder how they get stuck in ruts along the way. Perhaps your job loss is God's way of helping you find a better path.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.