Q: Our 22-year-old son is graduating from college this month. He doesn't have a job lined up and has no idea what he's going to do. My husband and I don't know what our role is in this new stage of parenting. Do we let him live at home?

Juli: Your question is a common one. Gone are the days when a college graduate was ready and willing to dive into all of the responsibilities of financial and personal independence. Due to the tough economy, among other factors, most 22-year-olds find themselves in a delayed stage of adolescence. They want the freedom of adulthood, but feel paralyzed by the complexity and pressures that accompany independence. This puts parents, like you, in the awkward position of actively parenting an adult child.

Your ultimate goal is to help your son launch into the full independence of adulthood. If you choose to let him live at home after graduation, don't allow that time to be wasted. Set boundaries and requirements up front that will help him grow toward maturity and responsibility. It is reasonable to expect that he hold down a full-time job and/or pursue additional schooling or training. It may also be wise to set a departure date so that you do not enable him to avoid that next step of independence. Some parents charge their adult children rent for living at home. They put some of the money paid into a savings account that will be seed money for a deposit or down payment on a future living arrangement.

Even more than a roof over his head, your son needs your wisdom and encouragement as he looks toward the future. Help him think long-term about his goals for vocation, family and financial independence. As long as you see him making good decisions, actively moving toward these goals, your help is a good thing.

Q: I was laid off more than a year ago, and I still feel stunned. I don't even know how to look for a job after being steadily employed for six years. How do I get out of this rut?

Jim: Being let go from a job is one of the toughest things a person can face. But consider this: Unemployment also represents a unique opportunity. When you're gainfully employed, all of your time and energy goes into just keeping up. But when you lose your job, suddenly there's time and energy to spare. Most people don't know what to do with it. They become paralyzed with fear, worry and anger. That's a natural reaction, but if it's all they experience while they're unemployed, something is missing.

After a job loss, you're motivated to see clearly and honestly -- perhaps for the first time in years. Your assignment isn't merely to search for financial security in a new job. It's to rediscover who you are.

Use this time to ask yourself some serious questions. "What gifts and talents do I possess that I didn't have a chance to use in my former job? Are there educational opportunities I should explore? What am I learning about myself through this job loss that I didn't know -- or didn't want to know -- before? What do I really want to do with my life?"

Once you're employed again, this window will close. Life will once again be overwhelmed with work responsibilities and day-to-day cares. You won't have "down time" like this again. As hard as it is to lose your job, it's harder to find genuine opportunities to take stock of who you are and where you want to go.

Many people wonder how they get stuck in ruts along the way. Perhaps your job loss is God's way of helping you find a better path.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My spouse and I recently separated. I have no idea what being separated means. When we do get together it's to work out our problems and ends up in a big fight. We're in counseling, but there is no fun in our relationship now that we're separated. What should my expectations be?

Juli: There are two types of separations. In the first type, the couple is, for all intents and purposes, divorced without the stigma and finality of divorce. The second type, called a "therapeutic separation," sounds more like your situation. The purpose of a therapeutic separation is to address marital issues that became too difficult to deal with while living in the same home, with the goal of restoring the marriage.

It's very important for your separation to have a way back to intimacy that is clearly spelled out with your counselor. In other words, what specifically needs to change before you're ready to reunite? You should be working intensely with your counselor on the issues you have identified. Your counselor should advise you regarding whether or not it is safe to have related conversations outside the counseling sessions. Some relationships are still too toxic to talk about the big issues without a mediator.

While you need to have meetings to discuss the deeper issues of your marriage, your counselor may also recommend that you begin to date each other. When you go on dates, the purpose is to learn to have fun again and reconnect in a conflict-free setting. Believe it or not, dating is just as important as counseling to re-establishing feelings of trust and intimacy.

Most importantly, all expectations, including boundaries regarding finances, intimacy and time spent together, need to be clearly spelled out and agreed upon. Otherwise, you'll feel like you're living in "limbo" -- sort of married, sort of not. Don't give up! Some of the strongest of marriages have weathered the waters you're now wading through.

Q: I know I need to spend quality time with my wife and children, but my schedule at the office makes that almost impossible. How can I keep the home fires burning while also being the provider?

Jim: Sadly, long workdays are the norm for many of us. However, authors Mike Yorkey and Greg Johnson have created a list of ways dads can get back some of those overtime hours and devote them to their families.

First, Yorkey and Johnson suggest re-arranging your daily schedule. Have you considered going into work early? Then, you can beat the rush hour traffic for both the morning and evening commutes. If you do this consistently, you could save yourself several extra hours a week -- hours that could be spent with your spouse and kids.

Also, think about skipping a few of those long lunches that we all take with our colleagues. By the time you factor in parking, ordering and everything else, the lunch "hour" can easily stretch to two. Instead, pack your own lunch and just take a 30-minute break. Not only will it save you money, it might also give you just enough extra time to make your son's little league game later in the day, or your daughter's piano recital.

Finally, don't be so quick to take a promotion the next time one is offered. If it's going to require even more travel or overtime, it might be worth it just to stay where you are. Your family may need you more than they need extra income.

I'm not suggesting that you shirk your responsibilities at the office. But we can't allow our jobs to be all-consuming. There's a big difference between putting in an honest day's work and being a workaholic. With a little creativity, I believe busy dads can find a healthy balance between the office and the home.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: Our son is barely going to complete the eighth grade this month. He refuses to get serious about schoolwork. I doubt he'll be able to pass ninth grade next year with this lax attitude. We want to help him succeed, but is it better to let him reap what he sows?

Jim: All parents want their kids to succeed. But sometimes, it's better to let them fail in the short-term.

Author Chip Ingram wrote about the shock he experienced when his son told him he was dropping out of college to join a band. Even though he desperately wanted to convince his son to stay in school, Chip held his tongue. He believed experience is the best teacher.

After six months, Chip's son realized how hard it was to make a living as a musician. He didn't abandon his dream altogether, but he did re-enroll in college.

Now, I'm not suggesting you stand idly by while your son fails ninth grade. That will have a much steeper downside for someone his age than it does for someone in college. But he does need to learn to accept the consequences of his decisions. You may need to allow him to be late to school when he doesn't get out of bed on time. If his homework doesn't get done, you shouldn't bail him out or make up excuses for his teacher. He won't learn to apply himself if he's rescued every time he chooses to act irresponsibly.

Chip Ingram puts it well: "A parent's job is not to make sure a child has a smooth or comfortable life. Our role is to put safeguards around them when they're young to keep them from ultimate harm; to gradually widen those safeguards as they mature; and to help them to grow into the person God wants them to be."

Q: How can parents teach their children how to behave on Facebook without falling into the trap of doing what everyone else is doing? Are there rules and boundaries we should give our kids when working on social media sites?

Juli: Most people don't know that Facebook has established 13 as the required age for an account. So, right out of the gate, remember that Facebook is not for children. It's designed for teens and adults. This is a good opportunity to teach your children integrity by making them wait until they're legitimately old enough to be on Facebook.

When your kids reach the teen years, if you choose to allow them to be part of Facebook, here are a few principles to keep in mind:

Make it very clear that you will be their first friend on Facebook and will monitor their activity. For young teens, you can set up the account so that all messages, wall posts and friend requests go through your email account. This is a good form of accountability and a reminder that what happens on Facebook is not private.

Second, you should know all of their Facebook friends and limit the personal information they share. Help them set up their privacy settings and make sure that not just anyone can see their profile. It's probably best not to have cell phone or address information listed.

You also need to have a conversation with your teen about how Facebook can be used for both positive and negative purposes. Just as you would never tolerate bullying or inappropriate language in person, those standards also apply online.

Finally, establish time limits. Unchecked, many teens (and adults) will spend hours and hours on Facebook every day, neglecting responsibilities and important aspects of teen development, like face-to-face communication. Facebook is a privilege, not a right. Remind your teen that you may take the privilege of Facebook away if they don't learn to use it responsibly.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.