Q: My spouse and I recently separated. I have no idea what being separated means. When we do get together it's to work out our problems and ends up in a big fight. We're in counseling, but there is no fun in our relationship now that we're separated. What should my expectations be?

Juli: There are two types of separations. In the first type, the couple is, for all intents and purposes, divorced without the stigma and finality of divorce. The second type, called a "therapeutic separation," sounds more like your situation. The purpose of a therapeutic separation is to address marital issues that became too difficult to deal with while living in the same home, with the goal of restoring the marriage.

It's very important for your separation to have a way back to intimacy that is clearly spelled out with your counselor. In other words, what specifically needs to change before you're ready to reunite? You should be working intensely with your counselor on the issues you have identified. Your counselor should advise you regarding whether or not it is safe to have related conversations outside the counseling sessions. Some relationships are still too toxic to talk about the big issues without a mediator.

While you need to have meetings to discuss the deeper issues of your marriage, your counselor may also recommend that you begin to date each other. When you go on dates, the purpose is to learn to have fun again and reconnect in a conflict-free setting. Believe it or not, dating is just as important as counseling to re-establishing feelings of trust and intimacy.

Most importantly, all expectations, including boundaries regarding finances, intimacy and time spent together, need to be clearly spelled out and agreed upon. Otherwise, you'll feel like you're living in "limbo" -- sort of married, sort of not. Don't give up! Some of the strongest of marriages have weathered the waters you're now wading through.

Q: I know I need to spend quality time with my wife and children, but my schedule at the office makes that almost impossible. How can I keep the home fires burning while also being the provider?

Jim: Sadly, long workdays are the norm for many of us. However, authors Mike Yorkey and Greg Johnson have created a list of ways dads can get back some of those overtime hours and devote them to their families.

First, Yorkey and Johnson suggest re-arranging your daily schedule. Have you considered going into work early? Then, you can beat the rush hour traffic for both the morning and evening commutes. If you do this consistently, you could save yourself several extra hours a week -- hours that could be spent with your spouse and kids.

Also, think about skipping a few of those long lunches that we all take with our colleagues. By the time you factor in parking, ordering and everything else, the lunch "hour" can easily stretch to two. Instead, pack your own lunch and just take a 30-minute break. Not only will it save you money, it might also give you just enough extra time to make your son's little league game later in the day, or your daughter's piano recital.

Finally, don't be so quick to take a promotion the next time one is offered. If it's going to require even more travel or overtime, it might be worth it just to stay where you are. Your family may need you more than they need extra income.

I'm not suggesting that you shirk your responsibilities at the office. But we can't allow our jobs to be all-consuming. There's a big difference between putting in an honest day's work and being a workaholic. With a little creativity, I believe busy dads can find a healthy balance between the office and the home.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: Our son is barely going to complete the eighth grade this month. He refuses to get serious about schoolwork. I doubt he'll be able to pass ninth grade next year with this lax attitude. We want to help him succeed, but is it better to let him reap what he sows?

Jim: All parents want their kids to succeed. But sometimes, it's better to let them fail in the short-term.

Author Chip Ingram wrote about the shock he experienced when his son told him he was dropping out of college to join a band. Even though he desperately wanted to convince his son to stay in school, Chip held his tongue. He believed experience is the best teacher.

After six months, Chip's son realized how hard it was to make a living as a musician. He didn't abandon his dream altogether, but he did re-enroll in college.

Now, I'm not suggesting you stand idly by while your son fails ninth grade. That will have a much steeper downside for someone his age than it does for someone in college. But he does need to learn to accept the consequences of his decisions. You may need to allow him to be late to school when he doesn't get out of bed on time. If his homework doesn't get done, you shouldn't bail him out or make up excuses for his teacher. He won't learn to apply himself if he's rescued every time he chooses to act irresponsibly.

Chip Ingram puts it well: "A parent's job is not to make sure a child has a smooth or comfortable life. Our role is to put safeguards around them when they're young to keep them from ultimate harm; to gradually widen those safeguards as they mature; and to help them to grow into the person God wants them to be."

Q: How can parents teach their children how to behave on Facebook without falling into the trap of doing what everyone else is doing? Are there rules and boundaries we should give our kids when working on social media sites?

Juli: Most people don't know that Facebook has established 13 as the required age for an account. So, right out of the gate, remember that Facebook is not for children. It's designed for teens and adults. This is a good opportunity to teach your children integrity by making them wait until they're legitimately old enough to be on Facebook.

When your kids reach the teen years, if you choose to allow them to be part of Facebook, here are a few principles to keep in mind:

Make it very clear that you will be their first friend on Facebook and will monitor their activity. For young teens, you can set up the account so that all messages, wall posts and friend requests go through your email account. This is a good form of accountability and a reminder that what happens on Facebook is not private.

Second, you should know all of their Facebook friends and limit the personal information they share. Help them set up their privacy settings and make sure that not just anyone can see their profile. It's probably best not to have cell phone or address information listed.

You also need to have a conversation with your teen about how Facebook can be used for both positive and negative purposes. Just as you would never tolerate bullying or inappropriate language in person, those standards also apply online.

Finally, establish time limits. Unchecked, many teens (and adults) will spend hours and hours on Facebook every day, neglecting responsibilities and important aspects of teen development, like face-to-face communication. Facebook is a privilege, not a right. Remind your teen that you may take the privilege of Facebook away if they don't learn to use it responsibly.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: As a dad, how much control should I have over our 17-year-old son when it comes to dating?

Juli: Let's start out with the unpleasant truth that you actually have no control over what your 17-year-old does about much of anything. If you ever had control when he was younger, those days are long gone. In fact, by trying to control his behavior, you're likely to do more damage than good, either prompting him to rebel or impeding his maturity as a young man. So, instead, let's use the word influence.

Your role as a parent needs to shift to one of mentor or coach, guiding your son with encouragement, advice and good questions. Hopefully, you have spent the last 17 years instilling the values in him that now shape his decisions. Although he may still respect and value your opinion on issues like dating and sexuality, his own beliefs will guide him more than yours will.

Even as he determines his own values, you still have authority regarding his behavior while he is living in your home, eating your food and driving your car. Use that authority not to be heavy-handed, but to set healthy boundaries that will both train and protect your son. For example, he should respect a reasonable curfew and show honor to the girl he dates by not putting her in compromising situations.

Recognize that an interest in girls and dating is normal for a young man his age. Talk with him about what his standards and values are. You might even ask him how involved he would like you to be in his dating relationships going forward. Express the desire to be a sounding board for him as he faces challenges and decisions in the future.

Perhaps the most important influence you can be for your son during these late teen years is to cast a vision for him. Remind your son of the character you see in him, and help him envision the husband you'd like him to be someday.

Q: I think my daughter uses her iPhone too much. Even for a teenager, it's excessive. Is there such a thing as an addiction to electronic devices?

Jim: The battle over too much talking and texting is one that most parents will face with their teens. Most of the time, it's just a matter of setting healthy boundaries. However, if you feel your daughter is truly demonstrating addictive tendencies, we'd encourage you to contact a professional counselor. The staff at Focus on the Family can refer you to one in your area.

That said, there is a trend toward what author and speaker Judith Wright calls "soft addictions." These are different from the things we typically define as addictive, such as pornography, drinking or gambling. Soft addictions are those behaviors you're not ashamed to tell your friends about, such as shopping online, watching TV, and yes, using electronic devices.

Left unchecked, these behaviors rob us of precious time with our families and can become almost all-consuming. Smart phones are especially problematic because they're loaded with Wi-Fi, games and hundreds of other bells and whistles that monopolize our time. I've been in restaurants in which the family at the table next to me -- Mom, Dad and kids -- is sitting in silence, fiddling with their own electronic devices! It's hard to enjoy a "family mealtime" when everyone's face is riveted to the blue glow of their smart phones.

We all have things in our lives that could become soft addictions -- if we let them. The key is to identify those weak areas and put barriers in place. Encourage your daughter with the thought that when it comes to even "harmless" pastimes, it's important to exercise caution and self-restraint.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.