Q: As a dad, how much control should I have over our 17-year-old son when it comes to dating?

Juli: Let's start out with the unpleasant truth that you actually have no control over what your 17-year-old does about much of anything. If you ever had control when he was younger, those days are long gone. In fact, by trying to control his behavior, you're likely to do more damage than good, either prompting him to rebel or impeding his maturity as a young man. So, instead, let's use the word influence.

Your role as a parent needs to shift to one of mentor or coach, guiding your son with encouragement, advice and good questions. Hopefully, you have spent the last 17 years instilling the values in him that now shape his decisions. Although he may still respect and value your opinion on issues like dating and sexuality, his own beliefs will guide him more than yours will.

Even as he determines his own values, you still have authority regarding his behavior while he is living in your home, eating your food and driving your car. Use that authority not to be heavy-handed, but to set healthy boundaries that will both train and protect your son. For example, he should respect a reasonable curfew and show honor to the girl he dates by not putting her in compromising situations.

Recognize that an interest in girls and dating is normal for a young man his age. Talk with him about what his standards and values are. You might even ask him how involved he would like you to be in his dating relationships going forward. Express the desire to be a sounding board for him as he faces challenges and decisions in the future.

Perhaps the most important influence you can be for your son during these late teen years is to cast a vision for him. Remind your son of the character you see in him, and help him envision the husband you'd like him to be someday.

Q: I think my daughter uses her iPhone too much. Even for a teenager, it's excessive. Is there such a thing as an addiction to electronic devices?

Jim: The battle over too much talking and texting is one that most parents will face with their teens. Most of the time, it's just a matter of setting healthy boundaries. However, if you feel your daughter is truly demonstrating addictive tendencies, we'd encourage you to contact a professional counselor. The staff at Focus on the Family can refer you to one in your area.

That said, there is a trend toward what author and speaker Judith Wright calls "soft addictions." These are different from the things we typically define as addictive, such as pornography, drinking or gambling. Soft addictions are those behaviors you're not ashamed to tell your friends about, such as shopping online, watching TV, and yes, using electronic devices.

Left unchecked, these behaviors rob us of precious time with our families and can become almost all-consuming. Smart phones are especially problematic because they're loaded with Wi-Fi, games and hundreds of other bells and whistles that monopolize our time. I've been in restaurants in which the family at the table next to me -- Mom, Dad and kids -- is sitting in silence, fiddling with their own electronic devices! It's hard to enjoy a "family mealtime" when everyone's face is riveted to the blue glow of their smart phones.

We all have things in our lives that could become soft addictions -- if we let them. The key is to identify those weak areas and put barriers in place. Encourage your daughter with the thought that when it comes to even "harmless" pastimes, it's important to exercise caution and self-restraint.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: My siblings and I want to give our mom a nice Mother's Day. But we want to do something more creative than just taking her to lunch. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: I'd take the opportunity to just talk to her. Tell her why you love her and what you appreciate about her. For some reason, that's hard to do, even with those closest to us. We often take the people we love for granted.

One day, when I was 7, I felt especially lonely. My dad was out of the picture, and my mom was at work. My older siblings were home, but busy with their own activities. So I moped around the house, loudly exclaiming, "Nobody loves me!" Much to my dismay, no one wanted to join in my pity party.

So I packed a sweater and a snack and eventually ended up at the restaurant where Mom was working. I walked up to her and said, "Mom, nobody loves me!" She was stuck with a customer, so she told me to go sit in her car. I ate my snack in the front seat and fell asleep.

The next thing I knew, Mom was gently tucking me into my bed at home. Despite my whining earlier in the day, I felt very loved, and very safe, in that moment.

I wish I could share this story with Mom today. But she passed away many years ago. There's nothing wrong with dinner or flowers on Mother's Day. But if you can recall stories from childhood that convey how much you felt loved by your mom, that will likely be the best gift she could possibly receive. Give it a try!

Q: My adolescent daughter frequently hits her siblings. She is the oldest child. I am at a loss as to what the best consequence is for this type of behavior. Where do I begin?

Juli: This is obviously behavior that you don't want to tolerate in your home. When an older child hits younger siblings, it's called bullying and should be treated that way.

Often parents treat all bad behavior with the same response. They punish their kids identically whether they spill the milk, forget to make their bed or tell a lie. The problem with this approach is that children are not able to distinguish between behaviors that are merely annoying and those that are completely unacceptable.

Hitting her younger siblings should be treated as a very serious violation of family rules. I recommend that you and your spouse sit down with your daughter, state clearly that you will not allow her to hit her younger siblings and spell out the way you expect her to behave as the oldest child. Let her know what consequence she can expect if she does it again. Make the consequences painful, like, "You will be grounded from everything but school for a week."

As firm as you should be in setting your expectations and enforcing consequences, also give your daughter the opportunity to share with you why she is hitting her siblings. Younger children can very skillfully needle their older siblings and act like innocent victims in the process. For example, they may be reading her journal or teasing her about her acne. Perhaps you need to respect your daughter's growing independence by making her room off-limits to siblings, or giving her unique privileges that she can earn through responsible behavior.

One final note ... until things settle down, don't give in to the convenience of letting your adolescent daughter baby-sit her siblings, even for 10 minutes. Free baby-sitting isn't worth adding fuel to the fire.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Question: There's so much on the news about child abductions, murders, etc. that I often find myself in a panic when it comes to my tween girls. How can I overcome the urge to just lock them in their rooms until they reach adulthood?

Jim: We hear so much bad news today that we often feel like there's danger lurking everywhere. A survey by the Mayo Clinic revealed that these are the five things parents are most worried about: 1)kidnapping; 2)school snipers; 3)terrorists; 4)dangerous strangers; and 5)drugs.

Those things certainly are scary. But now consider the five things that, in reality, are the most likely to cause death to children under the age of eighteen, according to the Centers for Disease Control: 1)car accidents; 2)homicide -- usually at the hands of someone they know; 3)child abuse; 4)suicide; and 5)drowning.

These are frightening, too, but they probably aren't the first things that come to mind when you worry about your girls. As The New York Times has observed, there's a disconnect going on here. In the age of 24-hour news, we hear horrible stories of abductions and school shooters, but the fact is that in the grand scheme of things, those things are rare -- they are the worst-case scenarios. Thank goodness!

Statistically, the least-safe thing we can do with our kids is drive them somewhere. And yet most of us do that every day. According to Christie Barnes, author of "The Paranoid Parents Guide," moms and dads are worrying more at a time when statistics for homicide, kidnapping and even traffic deaths are actually going down.

Certainly, there are dangers out there. And even if some of them are rare, we don't want our kids to be that one exception to the rule. We need to take the appropriate measures to protect them. But we also need to be careful not to be overly fearful for their safety. That can be paralyzing. It's all about finding the proper balance.

Question: Our daughter is 14 and wants to do group dates. Is that appropriate for a 14-year-old, and when would you recommend single or group dating?

Juli: As you wrestle through decisions regarding your daughter and dating, I'd encourage you to consider a few questions. First, what do you mean by "group dating"? There's a big difference between a group of 14-year-olds going to Denny's for pancakes after the school play and teens hanging out in someone's basement unsupervised. In my opinion, any mixed-gender interaction among 14-year-olds should be supervised by adults. Even the most levelheaded 14-year-old is not mature enough to handle the emotional and physical pressures that come with an exclusive dating relationship or with unsupervised contact with the opposite sex.

Every parent will have a different opinion about the magic age when his or her daughter is ready to date, whether alone or in a group. Wise parents might even have a different answer for different children, as some mature more quickly than others. Whatever age you decide to let your daughter date, prepare her for it.

Think about it this way: Many states require 50 or more supervised hours behind the wheel, plus a written and driving test before issuing a driver's license to a teenager. Why don't we have a similar approach to dating? Observe your daughter in mixed-gender situations. How does she behave with the opposite sex? Have you talked to her about what to do if she gets into a compromising situation? Has she shared with you why she wants to date and what her standards are? Have you considered your role in helping her screen potential boyfriends and in supervising dating relationships?

Dating can be a wonderful aspect of teen life, but it is also fraught with serious dangers. Treat it that way!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.