Q: My siblings and I want to give our mom a nice Mother's Day. But we want to do something more creative than just taking her to lunch. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: I'd take the opportunity to just talk to her. Tell her why you love her and what you appreciate about her. For some reason, that's hard to do, even with those closest to us. We often take the people we love for granted.

One day, when I was 7, I felt especially lonely. My dad was out of the picture, and my mom was at work. My older siblings were home, but busy with their own activities. So I moped around the house, loudly exclaiming, "Nobody loves me!" Much to my dismay, no one wanted to join in my pity party.

So I packed a sweater and a snack and eventually ended up at the restaurant where Mom was working. I walked up to her and said, "Mom, nobody loves me!" She was stuck with a customer, so she told me to go sit in her car. I ate my snack in the front seat and fell asleep.

The next thing I knew, Mom was gently tucking me into my bed at home. Despite my whining earlier in the day, I felt very loved, and very safe, in that moment.

I wish I could share this story with Mom today. But she passed away many years ago. There's nothing wrong with dinner or flowers on Mother's Day. But if you can recall stories from childhood that convey how much you felt loved by your mom, that will likely be the best gift she could possibly receive. Give it a try!

Q: My adolescent daughter frequently hits her siblings. She is the oldest child. I am at a loss as to what the best consequence is for this type of behavior. Where do I begin?

Juli: This is obviously behavior that you don't want to tolerate in your home. When an older child hits younger siblings, it's called bullying and should be treated that way.

Often parents treat all bad behavior with the same response. They punish their kids identically whether they spill the milk, forget to make their bed or tell a lie. The problem with this approach is that children are not able to distinguish between behaviors that are merely annoying and those that are completely unacceptable.

Hitting her younger siblings should be treated as a very serious violation of family rules. I recommend that you and your spouse sit down with your daughter, state clearly that you will not allow her to hit her younger siblings and spell out the way you expect her to behave as the oldest child. Let her know what consequence she can expect if she does it again. Make the consequences painful, like, "You will be grounded from everything but school for a week."

As firm as you should be in setting your expectations and enforcing consequences, also give your daughter the opportunity to share with you why she is hitting her siblings. Younger children can very skillfully needle their older siblings and act like innocent victims in the process. For example, they may be reading her journal or teasing her about her acne. Perhaps you need to respect your daughter's growing independence by making her room off-limits to siblings, or giving her unique privileges that she can earn through responsible behavior.

One final note ... until things settle down, don't give in to the convenience of letting your adolescent daughter baby-sit her siblings, even for 10 minutes. Free baby-sitting isn't worth adding fuel to the fire.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Question: There's so much on the news about child abductions, murders, etc. that I often find myself in a panic when it comes to my tween girls. How can I overcome the urge to just lock them in their rooms until they reach adulthood?

Jim: We hear so much bad news today that we often feel like there's danger lurking everywhere. A survey by the Mayo Clinic revealed that these are the five things parents are most worried about: 1)kidnapping; 2)school snipers; 3)terrorists; 4)dangerous strangers; and 5)drugs.

Those things certainly are scary. But now consider the five things that, in reality, are the most likely to cause death to children under the age of eighteen, according to the Centers for Disease Control: 1)car accidents; 2)homicide -- usually at the hands of someone they know; 3)child abuse; 4)suicide; and 5)drowning.

These are frightening, too, but they probably aren't the first things that come to mind when you worry about your girls. As The New York Times has observed, there's a disconnect going on here. In the age of 24-hour news, we hear horrible stories of abductions and school shooters, but the fact is that in the grand scheme of things, those things are rare -- they are the worst-case scenarios. Thank goodness!

Statistically, the least-safe thing we can do with our kids is drive them somewhere. And yet most of us do that every day. According to Christie Barnes, author of "The Paranoid Parents Guide," moms and dads are worrying more at a time when statistics for homicide, kidnapping and even traffic deaths are actually going down.

Certainly, there are dangers out there. And even if some of them are rare, we don't want our kids to be that one exception to the rule. We need to take the appropriate measures to protect them. But we also need to be careful not to be overly fearful for their safety. That can be paralyzing. It's all about finding the proper balance.

Question: Our daughter is 14 and wants to do group dates. Is that appropriate for a 14-year-old, and when would you recommend single or group dating?

Juli: As you wrestle through decisions regarding your daughter and dating, I'd encourage you to consider a few questions. First, what do you mean by "group dating"? There's a big difference between a group of 14-year-olds going to Denny's for pancakes after the school play and teens hanging out in someone's basement unsupervised. In my opinion, any mixed-gender interaction among 14-year-olds should be supervised by adults. Even the most levelheaded 14-year-old is not mature enough to handle the emotional and physical pressures that come with an exclusive dating relationship or with unsupervised contact with the opposite sex.

Every parent will have a different opinion about the magic age when his or her daughter is ready to date, whether alone or in a group. Wise parents might even have a different answer for different children, as some mature more quickly than others. Whatever age you decide to let your daughter date, prepare her for it.

Think about it this way: Many states require 50 or more supervised hours behind the wheel, plus a written and driving test before issuing a driver's license to a teenager. Why don't we have a similar approach to dating? Observe your daughter in mixed-gender situations. How does she behave with the opposite sex? Have you talked to her about what to do if she gets into a compromising situation? Has she shared with you why she wants to date and what her standards are? Have you considered your role in helping her screen potential boyfriends and in supervising dating relationships?

Dating can be a wonderful aspect of teen life, but it is also fraught with serious dangers. Treat it that way!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

QUESTION: My teenager is constantly texting or on the phone and is not showing any interest in doing things with the family. Do you have some suggestions on how we can re-engage our child and help her want to do things with the family again?

JULI: No doubt about it, technology is a significant obstacle for communication in the average American family, especially with teens in the home. Here's a two-prong strategy to deal with it:

First of all, set boundaries on the use of technology in your home. Don't make this about your teenager; make it about the kind of home environment that you want to establish. Some reasonable and helpful boundaries include no technology at meal times, during carpool, or in the bedroom. Set those boundaries for yourself as well as for your kids.

Honestly, I am just as guilty as my 13-year-old son is when it comes to letting technology interrupt family time. Sure, I don't text someone every three seconds or play video games, but how often am I pulled away from my family to check email or take a quick call?

Second, make family time a priority. Often, we as parents decide to have family time on the spur of the moment when our schedule finally clears. We expect our kids to drop everything and be excited about bonding with Mom and Dad. Plan regular family times during which your kids know that you expect them to be engaged. These can include a dinner routine of talking about your day, Friday night game or movie nights, or a planned weekend getaway.

Don't take it personally if your teen still prefers her cell phone to you. Even when your kids are less than enthusiastic about a family event, it still provides a critical connection with you.

QUESTION: In order to tighten up the family budget, we recently got rid of our premium satellite TV package and switched to basic cable. But that's not cheap, either. Can you suggest other ways to trim our entertainment budget without going totally TV-free?

JIM: First, let me say that there are worse things than going TV-free. The Daly household eliminated the nightly TV routine from our home long ago, and we haven't regretted it for a minute. Don't knock it 'til you've tried it!

However, if you're not ready to take that step, there's still a way to enjoy TV without paying for it on a monthly basis. The New York Times reports that a growing number of families are saving money by canceling their cable service altogether and attaching a good, old-fashioned antenna to their TV sets.

There are a number of TV antenna models available, and a decent one will generally cost anywhere between $25 and $150. But that's a one-time expense. There's no monthly fee after that. Of course, you won't get the wide variety of sports, movies and other programming that cable offers. But you'll get more than enough channels to keep up with the news and weather, and maybe a few of your favorite shows. And if you live in a large urban area, your choices expand dramatically. The Nielsen Group reports that there are more than 40 free broadcast channels available in Los Angeles, for example.

Just think -- your parents and grandparents survived for decades watching only a handful of channels on broadcast TV. I doubt whether any of them would suggest they were somehow "missing out" by not having hundreds and hundreds of channels to choose from. You and your family might consider the same arrangement ... and save yourselves hundreds of dollars a year in the process!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.