QUESTION: My wife and I have a 2-year-old of our own, but now we're considering adopting another child. Frankly, we can't decide if we should pursue it or if we're simply setting ourselves up for a lot of stress and heartache.

Jim: Adoption is a major undertaking, and there are many things to consider, as you well know. But with planning and a lot of prayer, it can be a beautiful thing.

Dr. Debi Grebenik is a licensed social worker and the executive director of a foster care and adoption agency. Her years in the field have led her to identify several traits of successful adoptive families.

First, according to Dr. Grebenik, the adoption journey begins with a commitment for life. In many ways, adoption is similar to marriage -- it calls for love and understanding in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. There will be unforeseen detours, mountaintop experiences and challenges along the way. But adoptive parents who begin the process with this rock-solid commitment are more likely to see it through.

In addition, adoptive parents, just like all parents, must be prepared to love their child unconditionally. You probably already know that some kids have deep emotional wounds after spending years in foster care. They may display manipulation, defiance, aggression, depression and other challenging behaviors. A parent's unconditional love may be the only lifeline they have as they emerge from an unstable environment and learn what it means to be part of a permanent, stable family for the first time in their lives.

There are difficulties associated with adoption, but they are not insurmountable. And the blessings and rewards far outweigh the challenges for those who are willing to take the plunge. For more resources on this issue, visit www.icareaboutorphans.org or www.focusonthefamily.com.

QUESTION: I am a single mother, and due to the economy, I am really struggling to make ends meet. Should I move back in with my parents until things get better?

Juli: Your question is becoming more and more common as many single parents face the realities of a tough economy and the unceasing demands of raising children by yourself. Unfortunately, there is no one-size-fits-all answer. There are, however, some principles to consider that might help you make your decision.

It can be a true blessing for everyone when generations of a family live together. In many parts of the world, this is the norm. It can provide a wonderfully rich environment for children to grow up knowing their grandparents and having empathy for the older generation. It also gives grandparents a wonderful outlet to love and invest in their grandkids, as retirement often allows for more time. And it would give you, as a busy mom, another set of arms to help with cooking, homework and loving.

There are, however, some potential problems that you want to investigate before making the decision to move in with your parents. Many of these relate to boundaries and expectations. For example, how much would your parents like you to contribute financially? What expectations do they have regarding keeping the house clean, bedtimes and whether or not they are full-time babysitters for your kids? To what extent do they have the authority to discipline your children? What if they disagree with your parenting style? What if they don't approve of other choices you make for your family? How will you resolve these conflicts?

However stressful these conversations may be to initiate, they are absolutely essential to confirming whether or not moving in with your parents is a good idea. Do the work up front to avoid creating a situation that could eventually end up destroying your relationship with your parents.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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QUESTION: Our 14-year-old granddaughter was recently staying with us. After she left, I looked at the history on our Internet browser and realized that she had been visiting porn sites and sexually explicit chat rooms. What do I do with this information?

JULI: I'm so sorry to hear about your discovery! Unfortunately, we hear stories like yours on a daily basis. Young teens, both male and female, are falling prey to Internet pornography. It represents a lethal combination of excitement and sexual curiosity that can quickly become addictive.

As difficult as it may be, I recommend that you talk to your granddaughter about what you discovered, ideally in person. It is really important that you approach her with a spirit of love and concern, wanting to help without judgment. She probably already feels a lot of shame about what she is doing. She is in over her head and doesn't know how to stop. Offer to help her in any way that you can. Encourage her to share her struggle with her parents. If she is unwilling to tell her parents, tell her that, out of love, you will share the information with them.

Some might argue that viewing porn has become an accepted norm for teens in our culture, so why make a big deal about it? Remember, just because so many teens view pornography doesn't make it any less dangerous to your granddaughter. It poses a serious threat to her mental health, emerging identity and future relationships. Her parents need to be involved in installing home Internet filters and helping her process what she has seen, perhaps through counseling.

QUESTION: Should my husband and I talk to our kids about drugs? We have a third-grader and a sixth-grader, and we're not sure whether their schools' drug education programs will be sufficient. But we don't even know how to begin to broach the subject at home.

JIM: For many parents, this is a topic that's almost as scary as the dreaded discussion about "the birds and the bees." Nevertheless, you need to have this talk with your kids. No school program or curriculum will carry the weight of your wise counsel and example. Joseph A. Califano Jr., a former U.S. Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare, put it best when he said, "The severe problem of substance abuse in this country will not be solved in courtrooms or government chambers, but in living rooms and across kitchen tables."

And yes, this ongoing dialogue should begin before your children reach adolescence. My friend Glenn Williams, who co-authored "How to Drug-Proof Your Kids" curriculum, says: "Would you wait until your child is past puberty to discuss with him the realities and responsibilities of sex? Would you wait until your child turns 16 and drives the family car onto the highway to teach him how to drive? No, of course not. And neither should you let your child get to the point of greatest vulnerability to drugs and alcohol before presenting the topic in the way you want your child to learn it."

Our boys are both under the age of 10, so drug abuse might not be an issue in their school yet. But that day is coming sooner than my wife and I would like to think. That's why we are seeking out resources that will help us tackle this important subject proactively. I believe it's critical that every parent do the same. You might start by visiting focusonthefamily.com, which offers a range of helpful articles and other materials on this issue.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

QUESTION: I keep a separate bank account for personal use -- nothing nefarious or illegal, just the occasional impulse purchase. Here's the thing, though: my wife doesn't know about the account. Should I 'fess up?

JIM: Absolutely, positively, you should tell your wife! The concern is not so much that you're spending money outside the family budget (although that's certainly a consideration), but the damage that this sort of secrecy can do to your marriage.

Others have fallen into the same trap. In an online survey by Forbes and the National Endowment for Financial Education, about one in three Americans admitted lying to their spouse about money, and another third said they were the ones who'd been deceived.

This "financial infidelity" took on many forms. The leading offenders either hid cash from their spouses, or covered up minor purchases and bills. But a significant number also said they hid major purchases, lied about their debt or earnings, and, yes, kept secret bank accounts.

Among those affected, 67 percent said the deception led to an argument, and 42 percent said it caused less trust in the relationship. More than a quarter said lies about money led to either a divorce or a separation.

Don't let this happen to you. Your wife will likely be hurt when you tell her, but your honest confession might make the revelation less painful than if she were to "catch you in the act," which would inevitably happen at some point. I implore you to see a pastor or marriage counselor and work through this issue together. It's better to get things out in the open now rather than let the deception continue. Honesty and trust are the foundation of a healthy marriage.

QUESTION: How much should I tell my fiance about my past? I realize that honesty and transparency are important in any relationship, but there are times when it can be harmful to "let it all hang out." I don't want to keep secrets, but neither do I want to cause hurt or damage. Where do I draw the line?

JULI: You're absolutely right that there is danger in erring by both keeping secrets and telling too much detail. I'm glad you're asking this question while you're engaged, before making a lifetime commitment to each other. While dating, people naturally present the best of themselves. They talk about their victories and put their best foot forward. In the intimacy of marriage, however, everything will be revealed. All of your weaknesses and insecurities will be uncovered. Even if you never speak of them, wounds and choices from your past will impact your marriage. This unhindered intimacy is what makes marriage so great and so threatening at the same time. Your engagement is the "in-between" period. It's the time to reveal significant things from your past and aspects of your personality that you may not let most people see.

Your fiance should know about things like your financial situation, any sexual relationships from your past, abusive relationships and addictions you may struggle with. These can present some very scary conversations, wondering how he will respond. It may feel like you're taking a step backward, but it's actually a giant step toward true intimacy. Your fiance's response will show you a lot about his character and willingness to embrace all of you within the intimacy of marriage.

There's a limit, however, to how much you share. The goal of sharing is to build trust. It takes discernment to know which details will build a foundation of trust, and which will erode it. Your fiance may even ask for details that would be hurtful for him to know in the future. As you wade through these difficult waters, I highly recommend premarital counseling to help you develop that solid foundation of authenticity and love.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.