QUESTION: I often hear about the importance of boosting a child's self-esteem. But how can I accomplish that with my son without making him self-absorbed or self-centered?

JIM: Instilling a sense of self-esteem in children is a critical task for parents. And you're right -- there's a big difference between healthy self-esteem and destructive selfishness. Like you, many moms and dads find themselves asking how to find the right balance.

Dr. Kevin Leman, a frequent Focus on the Family broadcast guest, suggests that parents can cultivate healthy self-esteem in their kids by learning "the A-B-Cs."

The letter A stands for acceptance. We might not always approve of our children's choices or behavior, but we always need to let them know that we love and accept them unconditionally. In other words, you can tell your son that playing video games for six hours a day is unacceptable. But don't give him the impression that (BEGIN ITALS)he(END ITALS) is therefore unacceptable.

The letter B stands for (BEGIN ITALS)belonging(END ITALS). We can give our kids a sense of belonging by creating a sense of community within the family. It's important that we give our sons and daughters a voice in family decisions when appropriate, that we listen to what they have to say, and that we support them in their activities.

Finally, the letter C stands for (BEGIN ITALS)competence(END ITALS). We can give our children the gift of competence by allowing them to experience life firsthand. This means we need to avoid being overprotective. And we should fight the urge to do for our kids what they can do for themselves. Even when they make mistakes, they'll be gaining life experience that will boost their sense of self-worth in the long run.

Acceptance, belonging and confidence ... if we can instill these A-B-Cs in our kids' hearts and minds, we'll be setting them on the road to healthy self-esteem.

Q: Every now and then, my 5-year-old daughter cries (usually when she doesn't get her way) and says things like, "Nobody loves me!" My family has a history of depression, and I wonder if my daughter's behavior is normal or if it is a sign that she is depressed.

Juli: You are wise to be sensitive to signs of depression in your daughter. However, the behavior you are describing sounds like a normal 5-year-old reaction. Children are not as sophisticated in muting their feelings as we are as adults. That's why they are so much fun to be with! Within a 10-minute span, they can experience elation and devastation, feel love and hatred, and think you are both the best mom and the worst mom in the world.

Even so, a 5-year-old can be depressed, and it's good to know what to look for. If your daughter were depressed, her feelings would be less situational. In other words, she would be down, expressing sad feelings even when good things are happening around her. You might also notice changes in appetite and sleep patterns. Depressed children sometimes withdraw, get panicky, and lose interest in things they used to enjoy. If you consistently notice these symptoms in your daughter, seek help from a professional counselor or her pediatrician.

You also want to be careful not to overreact when your daughter displays negative emotions throughout the normal course of daily life. If you go overboard with consolation and comfort when she makes statements like, "Nobody loves me!" you may reinforce that behavior. She needs a steady supply of love and affection from you, not just when she is showing negative emotion.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

QUESTION: Our son is in third grade, and we suspect that some of the older kids at school are taunting him. He doesn't want to talk about it, though, and keeps assuring us everything is fine. What should we do?

JIM: If the older kids (BEGIN ITALS)are(END ITALS) bothering him, he probably feels very alone right now. I know what that's like. When I was a kid, I fell victim to the neighborhood bully. My parents weren't around, so it eventually fell to my older sister to come to my defense. Long story short: She decked him, and he never bothered me again. That's obviously not the best way to deal with this issue!

Bullying is a rising problem in schools. Kids in this situation need to know that Mom and Dad are on their side. Author Brad Lewis has identified four ways parents can support their kids when they're being bullied:

1. Don't wait for your child to talk about it. If you sense there's a problem, say, "Is someone picking on you at school?" Some bullies will threaten to harm a child if he tells. Keeping the lines of communication open will assure your child that he's not alone.

2. Watch for (BEGIN ITALS)nonverbal(END ITALS) signs of bullying. Does your child want to stay home? Does he keep "losing" his lunch money? Is he hungry right after school even though he took a big lunch? These could be warning signs.

3. Encourage your child to make friends. Being with one other buddy might deter a bully. While peer support does not replace adult intervention, it does provide an emotional safety net and can help restore lost hope.

4. Let the school know what's going on -- but in a discreet manner. Your child may fear that if you make a fuss, it will make things worse. Keep the same thing in mind if you know the parents of the bullies and decide to contact them.

QUESTION: I have a 12-year-old boy who never gets his chores or homework done because he's obsessed with video games. I've tried telling him he can't play until he gets his work done, but then he rushes through his work and does a sloppy job because he's so anxious to play. I'm at my wit's end!

JULI: As the mom of three boys, I know your frustration. Boys can become obsessed and even addicted to video games. Unfortunately, the problem does not always disappear with time. College students are failing classes and husbands are ignoring their wives because of gaming.

Here's what I recommend. Your son needs to be reminded that video games are a privilege to be earned, not a right. While he is at school one day, remove the game console from the family room and hide it. When your son discovers that the video games are gone, very calmly state that they have become a distraction. Explain that the video games will be put away for a while until he learns to focus on his grades and chores. If you see him being disciplined with his work for several weeks in a row, you may consider reintroducing video games. Then, allow him to play only for a short period of time on the weekends, as long as he continues to complete his homework and chores. Eventually, give him the goal of monitoring his own video game time and schoolwork.

After all, before you know it, he will be a young man, needing the muscles of self-discipline and balance. As the saying goes, "It's easier to raise a boy than fix a man!"

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My husband seems to be more interested in fixing the house and sitting down with a glass of wine each evening than interacting with our 8-year-old son. He's a good provider and a spiritual leader, but he doesn't initiate playing catch or family activities of any kind. I'm feeling resentful about this, because I grew up in a family that did all kinds of fun things together on the weekends. So what should we do?

Jim: Fatherhood is a very personal issue for me. My parents divorced when I was young, so I had very little contact with my biological dad. And my stepfather left when I was in fourth grade. The absence of a consistent father figure was devastating to me, as it is for so many kids.

I realize your own situation is different. It's encouraging that your husband is a good provider and spiritual leader. Perhaps he just needs some motivation to help him engage with your son. I'd recommend two books that might be helpful. The first is "The Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers," by my friend, Dr. Kenneth Canfield. It addresses practical matters such as protecting and providing for children (your husband seems to have a good handle on this), and also spending time with kids and getting to know them emotionally (an area that may be lacking in your household).

The second book is Tim Sanford's "Losing Control and Liking It." Sanford suggests that a father's most important role is not to control his children, but to (BEGIN ITALS)validate(END ITALS) them by spending time with them and affirming them.

If your husband wants more insights after reading these books, have him contact Focus on the Family for a wide range of great resources for dads.

Q: When my boys, ages 5 and 7 say, "That's not fair," I respond with, "It may not be equal, but it's fair." We've talked before about how they won't always get the same thing at the same time, but they will be treated fairly. I have no idea why it's worked, but the approach has been very successful for our family -- in fact, they now say it to each other. What do you think?

Juli: As one of six kids, you can imagine how many times I said or heard those words, "It's not fair!" Whether it's a larger slice of pizza, more presents under the tree, or a later bedtime, kids will sniff out any sign of inequity. My parents usually responded with a similar line: "We won't always treat you exactly the same, but we love each of you equally."

Although a key element of effective child rearing is consistency, parents must be flexible in applying the same principles to different kids at different times and in different situations. For example, while dishonesty should always be addressed as a serious offense, good parents must be sensitive to personality, motivation and age when deciding how to correct it.

Punishing two children exactly the same for a similar offense would be equal, but not fair. One child may be much more sensitive to parental disapproval and be devastated by a mild scolding while her strong-willed sibling needs a dramatic consequence to get the point across. Similarly, the exact same curfew for all teenagers would not be fair because some are capable of handling more freedom than others.

It takes a confident parent to stand up against the "It's not fair!" defense. Good for you for not only holding the line, but teaching your kids that your love for them can trump even their perception of not being treated fairly.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.