QUESTION: Our son is in third grade, and we suspect that some of the older kids at school are taunting him. He doesn't want to talk about it, though, and keeps assuring us everything is fine. What should we do?

JIM: If the older kids (BEGIN ITALS)are(END ITALS) bothering him, he probably feels very alone right now. I know what that's like. When I was a kid, I fell victim to the neighborhood bully. My parents weren't around, so it eventually fell to my older sister to come to my defense. Long story short: She decked him, and he never bothered me again. That's obviously not the best way to deal with this issue!

Bullying is a rising problem in schools. Kids in this situation need to know that Mom and Dad are on their side. Author Brad Lewis has identified four ways parents can support their kids when they're being bullied:

1. Don't wait for your child to talk about it. If you sense there's a problem, say, "Is someone picking on you at school?" Some bullies will threaten to harm a child if he tells. Keeping the lines of communication open will assure your child that he's not alone.

2. Watch for (BEGIN ITALS)nonverbal(END ITALS) signs of bullying. Does your child want to stay home? Does he keep "losing" his lunch money? Is he hungry right after school even though he took a big lunch? These could be warning signs.

3. Encourage your child to make friends. Being with one other buddy might deter a bully. While peer support does not replace adult intervention, it does provide an emotional safety net and can help restore lost hope.

4. Let the school know what's going on -- but in a discreet manner. Your child may fear that if you make a fuss, it will make things worse. Keep the same thing in mind if you know the parents of the bullies and decide to contact them.

QUESTION: I have a 12-year-old boy who never gets his chores or homework done because he's obsessed with video games. I've tried telling him he can't play until he gets his work done, but then he rushes through his work and does a sloppy job because he's so anxious to play. I'm at my wit's end!

JULI: As the mom of three boys, I know your frustration. Boys can become obsessed and even addicted to video games. Unfortunately, the problem does not always disappear with time. College students are failing classes and husbands are ignoring their wives because of gaming.

Here's what I recommend. Your son needs to be reminded that video games are a privilege to be earned, not a right. While he is at school one day, remove the game console from the family room and hide it. When your son discovers that the video games are gone, very calmly state that they have become a distraction. Explain that the video games will be put away for a while until he learns to focus on his grades and chores. If you see him being disciplined with his work for several weeks in a row, you may consider reintroducing video games. Then, allow him to play only for a short period of time on the weekends, as long as he continues to complete his homework and chores. Eventually, give him the goal of monitoring his own video game time and schoolwork.

After all, before you know it, he will be a young man, needing the muscles of self-discipline and balance. As the saying goes, "It's easier to raise a boy than fix a man!"

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: My husband seems to be more interested in fixing the house and sitting down with a glass of wine each evening than interacting with our 8-year-old son. He's a good provider and a spiritual leader, but he doesn't initiate playing catch or family activities of any kind. I'm feeling resentful about this, because I grew up in a family that did all kinds of fun things together on the weekends. So what should we do?

Jim: Fatherhood is a very personal issue for me. My parents divorced when I was young, so I had very little contact with my biological dad. And my stepfather left when I was in fourth grade. The absence of a consistent father figure was devastating to me, as it is for so many kids.

I realize your own situation is different. It's encouraging that your husband is a good provider and spiritual leader. Perhaps he just needs some motivation to help him engage with your son. I'd recommend two books that might be helpful. The first is "The Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers," by my friend, Dr. Kenneth Canfield. It addresses practical matters such as protecting and providing for children (your husband seems to have a good handle on this), and also spending time with kids and getting to know them emotionally (an area that may be lacking in your household).

The second book is Tim Sanford's "Losing Control and Liking It." Sanford suggests that a father's most important role is not to control his children, but to (BEGIN ITALS)validate(END ITALS) them by spending time with them and affirming them.

If your husband wants more insights after reading these books, have him contact Focus on the Family for a wide range of great resources for dads.

Q: When my boys, ages 5 and 7 say, "That's not fair," I respond with, "It may not be equal, but it's fair." We've talked before about how they won't always get the same thing at the same time, but they will be treated fairly. I have no idea why it's worked, but the approach has been very successful for our family -- in fact, they now say it to each other. What do you think?

Juli: As one of six kids, you can imagine how many times I said or heard those words, "It's not fair!" Whether it's a larger slice of pizza, more presents under the tree, or a later bedtime, kids will sniff out any sign of inequity. My parents usually responded with a similar line: "We won't always treat you exactly the same, but we love each of you equally."

Although a key element of effective child rearing is consistency, parents must be flexible in applying the same principles to different kids at different times and in different situations. For example, while dishonesty should always be addressed as a serious offense, good parents must be sensitive to personality, motivation and age when deciding how to correct it.

Punishing two children exactly the same for a similar offense would be equal, but not fair. One child may be much more sensitive to parental disapproval and be devastated by a mild scolding while her strong-willed sibling needs a dramatic consequence to get the point across. Similarly, the exact same curfew for all teenagers would not be fair because some are capable of handling more freedom than others.

It takes a confident parent to stand up against the "It's not fair!" defense. Good for you for not only holding the line, but teaching your kids that your love for them can trump even their perception of not being treated fairly.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: It's February and I've already blown my New Year's resolution to lose weight. I was really motivated but can't seem to stick with it. Any advice?

Juli: Truth be told, few of us have been diligent to keep the promises we made to ourselves on Jan. 1. Whether it was to lose weight, stop smoking or to be a better parent, real change is difficult to consistently stay committed to.

One of the greatest barriers to keeping your New Year's resolution is all-or-nothing thinking. In other words, since I ate a pint of ice cream yesterday, I guess the diet will have to wait until next year, or at least next week. Let's face it ... we all fail to perfectly measure up to our greatest aspirations. The difference between success and failure is really based on whether or not you keep trying, even after you fail. Change doesn't happen overnight. Research suggests that it takes an average of 66 days to form a new habit.

As you work toward losing weight, keep a couple of things in mind. Set goals that will change your lifestyle, like a healthy eating and exercise plan instead of targeting a number on the scale. Create a form of accountability, whether a friend to work out with or a formal weight loss program. It is much easier to stay committed to your goal when someone is cheering you on. Also, remember that medical or emotional issues can impact weight. You may want to consult your physician or perhaps a counselor if you continue to struggle.

Finally, consider this quote by GK Chesterton: "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly." In other words, don't give up just because you haven't succeeded one hundred percent. Even a little progress this year is better than no progress!

Q: My husband and I are at our wit's end with our 6-year-old daughter. She's determined to challenge our authority and have things her own way. We'd like to think it's just a stage, but our son wasn't anywhere near this difficult when he was 6. What's going on?

Jim: I think all parents have those times when they feel like they're fighting a losing battle. No matter how many times we discipline our kids and try to help them make the right choices, the message just doesn't seem to get through.

My wife, Jean, and I have faced this kind of frustration with our oldest son. He's your typical strong-willed child. He sees things in black and white, which is not a bad quality in itself. But he often has trouble respecting authority. Time and again, we have tried to teach him the importance of being respectful. And time and again, he's had us tearing our hair out! He never seemed to learn his lesson -- until, that is, just recently.

Something has changed in our firstborn son. It's like he's had a burst of maturity. He's getting perspective, and it's clear that he's beginning to understand that his actions have consequences, both for himself and for those around him. He's more respectful of his mom and dad, not to mention his little brother.

Did Jean and I discover some magic formula to bring about this change? No -- we've just been doing what we've always done. But I think that's the point. If we're (BEGIN ITALS)consistent(END ITALS) and (BEGIN ITALS)persistent(END ITALS) with our kids when it comes to discipline and boundaries, the message is going to get through eventually. There may be conflict along the way, as you've discovered with your daughter. But by God's grace, one day she'll thank you for your efforts to develop character in her when she was younger. The important thing is that you don't give up. And above all, make sure she knows you love her.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.