Q: My husband seems to be more interested in fixing the house and sitting down with a glass of wine each evening than interacting with our 8-year-old son. He's a good provider and a spiritual leader, but he doesn't initiate playing catch or family activities of any kind. I'm feeling resentful about this, because I grew up in a family that did all kinds of fun things together on the weekends. So what should we do?

Jim: Fatherhood is a very personal issue for me. My parents divorced when I was young, so I had very little contact with my biological dad. And my stepfather left when I was in fourth grade. The absence of a consistent father figure was devastating to me, as it is for so many kids.

I realize your own situation is different. It's encouraging that your husband is a good provider and spiritual leader. Perhaps he just needs some motivation to help him engage with your son. I'd recommend two books that might be helpful. The first is "The Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers," by my friend, Dr. Kenneth Canfield. It addresses practical matters such as protecting and providing for children (your husband seems to have a good handle on this), and also spending time with kids and getting to know them emotionally (an area that may be lacking in your household).

The second book is Tim Sanford's "Losing Control and Liking It." Sanford suggests that a father's most important role is not to control his children, but to (BEGIN ITALS)validate(END ITALS) them by spending time with them and affirming them.

If your husband wants more insights after reading these books, have him contact Focus on the Family for a wide range of great resources for dads.

Q: When my boys, ages 5 and 7 say, "That's not fair," I respond with, "It may not be equal, but it's fair." We've talked before about how they won't always get the same thing at the same time, but they will be treated fairly. I have no idea why it's worked, but the approach has been very successful for our family -- in fact, they now say it to each other. What do you think?

Juli: As one of six kids, you can imagine how many times I said or heard those words, "It's not fair!" Whether it's a larger slice of pizza, more presents under the tree, or a later bedtime, kids will sniff out any sign of inequity. My parents usually responded with a similar line: "We won't always treat you exactly the same, but we love each of you equally."

Although a key element of effective child rearing is consistency, parents must be flexible in applying the same principles to different kids at different times and in different situations. For example, while dishonesty should always be addressed as a serious offense, good parents must be sensitive to personality, motivation and age when deciding how to correct it.

Punishing two children exactly the same for a similar offense would be equal, but not fair. One child may be much more sensitive to parental disapproval and be devastated by a mild scolding while her strong-willed sibling needs a dramatic consequence to get the point across. Similarly, the exact same curfew for all teenagers would not be fair because some are capable of handling more freedom than others.

It takes a confident parent to stand up against the "It's not fair!" defense. Good for you for not only holding the line, but teaching your kids that your love for them can trump even their perception of not being treated fairly.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: It's February and I've already blown my New Year's resolution to lose weight. I was really motivated but can't seem to stick with it. Any advice?

Juli: Truth be told, few of us have been diligent to keep the promises we made to ourselves on Jan. 1. Whether it was to lose weight, stop smoking or to be a better parent, real change is difficult to consistently stay committed to.

One of the greatest barriers to keeping your New Year's resolution is all-or-nothing thinking. In other words, since I ate a pint of ice cream yesterday, I guess the diet will have to wait until next year, or at least next week. Let's face it ... we all fail to perfectly measure up to our greatest aspirations. The difference between success and failure is really based on whether or not you keep trying, even after you fail. Change doesn't happen overnight. Research suggests that it takes an average of 66 days to form a new habit.

As you work toward losing weight, keep a couple of things in mind. Set goals that will change your lifestyle, like a healthy eating and exercise plan instead of targeting a number on the scale. Create a form of accountability, whether a friend to work out with or a formal weight loss program. It is much easier to stay committed to your goal when someone is cheering you on. Also, remember that medical or emotional issues can impact weight. You may want to consult your physician or perhaps a counselor if you continue to struggle.

Finally, consider this quote by GK Chesterton: "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly." In other words, don't give up just because you haven't succeeded one hundred percent. Even a little progress this year is better than no progress!

Q: My husband and I are at our wit's end with our 6-year-old daughter. She's determined to challenge our authority and have things her own way. We'd like to think it's just a stage, but our son wasn't anywhere near this difficult when he was 6. What's going on?

Jim: I think all parents have those times when they feel like they're fighting a losing battle. No matter how many times we discipline our kids and try to help them make the right choices, the message just doesn't seem to get through.

My wife, Jean, and I have faced this kind of frustration with our oldest son. He's your typical strong-willed child. He sees things in black and white, which is not a bad quality in itself. But he often has trouble respecting authority. Time and again, we have tried to teach him the importance of being respectful. And time and again, he's had us tearing our hair out! He never seemed to learn his lesson -- until, that is, just recently.

Something has changed in our firstborn son. It's like he's had a burst of maturity. He's getting perspective, and it's clear that he's beginning to understand that his actions have consequences, both for himself and for those around him. He's more respectful of his mom and dad, not to mention his little brother.

Did Jean and I discover some magic formula to bring about this change? No -- we've just been doing what we've always done. But I think that's the point. If we're (BEGIN ITALS)consistent(END ITALS) and (BEGIN ITALS)persistent(END ITALS) with our kids when it comes to discipline and boundaries, the message is going to get through eventually. There may be conflict along the way, as you've discovered with your daughter. But by God's grace, one day she'll thank you for your efforts to develop character in her when she was younger. The important thing is that you don't give up. And above all, make sure she knows you love her.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My wife and I have three teenage daughters and I'm dreading the drama that comes with Valentine's Day. They are already talking about not having boyfriends for Valentine's Day. As a father, how do I help them weather all of the focus on romance and boyfriends?

Juli: I think every woman can remember the sting of those teenage years -- the highs of being in love and the lows of feeling unwanted and unloved. Valentine's Day definitely accentuates both the highs and the lows!

I'd encourage you to reclaim Valentine's Day to be about more than sweethearts, but about love instead. Let your daughters know how much you love them with a special dinner, a note or a little gift. They may roll their eyes, but the love you express to them will make deep deposits for them emotionally. In fact, when a dad is involved in his daughter's life, she is less likely to fall into destructive dating relationships.

Also, challenge your daughters to think about how they can show love to others. When I was in high school, the cheerleaders sold carnations for $1 that were delivered in homeroom on Valentine's Day. Popular kids carried around dozens of flowers while other students didn't receive any. My senior year I decided not to mope about how many flowers I had, but to show kindness to other kids. I bought 10 carnations and had them sent anonymously to kids I knew wouldn't receive any. Showing love to other people will boost your daughters' self esteem and lessen the focus on their longing to be loved.

In the midst of this, don't forget to shower your wife with love. Not only will it make her Valentine's Day special, but also it will model for your daughters a love that's worth waiting for!

Q: Our New Year's resolution was to tighten up our family budget, but we've already failed miserably. Honestly, we can't even agree on what a "good budget" is supposed to look like. How can we get our act together?

Jim: At least you realize that living on a budget is important. Prior to the recession, USA Today reported that only one in five people even used a monthly budget. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling found that the number had improved to more than two in five Americans (43 percent) as of last year, but still, 56 percent of us do not use a budget at all, and as a result, many are swimming in debt.

Here are some basic guidelines for allocating your monthly expenses, courtesy of the experts at Crown Financial Ministries. The percentages are for a four-member family with an annual gross income of $130,000 or less. Net Spendable Income (NSI) is money available after charitable giving and taxes:

-- 38 percent of your monthly budget toward housing.

-- 15 percent toward transportation, including the purchase and maintenance of vehicles.

-- 12 percent toward food.

Then, five percent of your NSI should be applied to each of the following categories:

-- Debt relief

-- Insurance (other than medical coverage)

-- Recreation and entertainment

-- Clothing

-- Medical and dental expenses

-- Savings

Now, these are general guidelines, and your own situation may look different. You might spend less than 38 percent on housing but more than 15 percent on transportation. You'll also notice that the categories only add up to 95 percent, which will give you five percent of "wiggle room" as you craft your budget.

The important thing is that you allocate your money wisely in these categories, even if the percentages are slightly different. If you're spending too much in one area, the others will suffer and you'll go over your budget. Crafting a realistic plan and sticking with it is what a healthy budget is all about.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.